Interruptions
by PopMuzika
Summary: A series of comically and vaginally frustrating situations. A collection of one shots. I also manage to randomly make fun of Finn at least once in each chapter. Why? Why not is the better question!
1. Twenty-Three Reasons

**Chapter 1: Twenty-three reasons**

"Oh my God…" Her kisses went up my neck. "Your heart is beating so loud Santana."

"No, someone's knocking Brit."

"Well, I am sure someone else around the world is being knocked up besides you but why are you bringing it up now? Do you not want me to knock you up?" She looked mildly hurt that I supposedly did not want to carry her child. As a response to her expression, I stuck with my trusty 'You're pretty but confusing as hell' facial setting.

"No, I mean someone is knocking on the door." As if on cue, the foreplay interrupting door knocker continued what must have been their favorite hobby. Brittany let me go, I turned around, and opened the door only to be confronted with the unwelcome view of landing strip head. "WHAT. THE. FUCK?! What the HELL are you doing here? And more importantly, What do you WANT?!"

"Well…" The trademark sleazy grin was firmly in place as expected. "You look newly boinked." He then proceeded to attempt to wink but it really just looked like the non-existent fly I had mentally willed to soar into his eye had had a successful mission.

"Listen up Jowls," He stroked his jaw line self consciously "If you ever use the word BOINKED anywhere near me again I will snatch a razor blade from my hair, break my 'NO PENIS IN MY LIFE' rule just long enough to get just close enough to that ghastly appendage to cut it off. Then I will put it in a box with a picture of Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake, and then mail it to you via the crappiest least reliable mail service possible to insure it arrives in the worst fathomable shape to your address, which is 746 Douchebag Lane NE, Loserville, Asshatland 94651. Have I made myself perfectly clear?" He stared at me blankly. "SECONDLY, you just interrupted my alone time with Brittany. I don't take too kindly to that. But because I am a reasonable woman, I will give you five seconds to explain why you have made yourself present in my life at an extremely undesirable time. And by undesirable time, I mean ever."

"Okay, well first off, your boobs look awesome when you cross your arms."

"I know right?" Brittany commented, supplementing his right however inappropriate opinion.

"Brittany!"

"What? They do." She then shrugged.

"You're wasting valuable time Noah, two seconds left."

"I need a place to crash."

"Oh really? Well, ain't that an ugly buck-eyed bitch? Bye!" I smiled brightly and slammed the door in his poorly aging face.

"SANTANA LOPEZ!" And there it was… the first and last name…..I turned around slowly to find Brittany standing in the middle of the room with her hands on her hips and a disappointed look upon her beautiful face.

"Yes, baby….?" I attempted charm hoping it will get her to stop that expression that had been known to devolve any willpower I had. I knew someday it was going to make a pretty intimidating 'mom look.'

"Let him in Santana."

"But…"

"He is part of our Glee family and if he needs a place to stay for the night then he is more than welcome to sleep on the couch."

"BUT…."

"But nothing, now open the door." I took a few steps towards the door, then stopped, and look back at her again.

"You know, it's mean to be all authoritative sexy Brittany when you know you're not going to fuck me tonight."

"Tana, you know better than anybody that I've always liked a little mean in my life…" She then proceeded to slap my ass.

"HEY! That hurt!"

"Open the door and maybe later I'll kiss it and make it better." I grinned a grin that said I enjoy eating shit and then opened the door to see nobody.

"Welp, he's not there. So, you gonna kiss it now or…"

"Santana."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME WOMAN?! I TRIED! YOU JUST SAW MY TRYING IN ACTION!" She attempted to still look mad but a smirk and then a giggle made its way through.

"Actually LOOK outside please." I stepped outdoors and sure enough he was leaning against the wall about a foot away from the front door. Of course, it goes without saying that I was happy to find him.

"Aww crap." I sighed dramatically. "Just come in, Brittany wants to be in your company for some ungodly reason." Puck gave me that signature lopsided dopey smile of his and moseyed on into our home.

"Please, have a seat Puck." His ass proceeded to accept Brittany's offer. "How's thing's going? What brings you to LA?"

"Well, besides the fine ass ladies that could use a little puckasaurus in their lives…" My eyes rolled so hard they could have bowled a strike. "I wanted to scope out the pool situation around these parts, pass out my card, and maybe get my name around town a little bit. Go to a few meetings… You know, network."

"Which will take you all of one day, right? Because your hairy greasy gassy self is not staying over more than one day here."

"I'm not gassy."

"Come on Puck, we've all seen what you eat."

"Yeah, pussy. " And his grin hit a new douche world record. Next on his plans to achieve maximum doucheyness….somehow cut his hair like Donald Trump, buy a Nickelback t-shirt, and go as Dane cook for Halloween all simultaneously. That all sounds impossible I know, but I had faith in his abilities.

"No no, that doesn't mess with your digestion." Brittany stated helpfully for all of us in dire need of knowing the nutritional facts about vagina. "And let's look on the bright side; at least you don't have that I gotta fart look all the time like Finn."

"Dudette, Finn smells. He's not just on the brink. He lets those h-bomb's fly on the regular!"

"You'd think with that huge ass schnoz on Rachels face that she'd get tired of the 'I haven't washed my balls' stench going on with him after a while too. Slept with him once and had enough of that for five lifetimes….But with that being said, what is going on here" I pointed in his general direction. "is just one of twenty-three reasons why I did not want you in our home Noah… besides the fact that I find you both mentally and physically revolting." He perked a bushy eyebrow in confusion. "Because with you Puck comes discussions of penis, balls, and farts and that causes me turmoil and when I go though such an emotional experience I start to become rather volatile and once I become volatile I tend to find the need to go off on a landing strip chopping off spree. Often a machete is involved."

"Then why is mine still intact?" Brittany questioned in complete and utter confusion.

"Because it would be impossible for her to be mad at you Blondie."

"She is Brittany to you. You understand me?"

"What an alpha lesbian!" Puck for unknown by anybody ever reasons found the unfortunate need to express his opinion. If that wasn't enough, he then decided it was imperative to invade various other areas of our home. "I'm gonna take a shower." He then proceeded to walk into our room and lock himself in our bathroom.

"You." I pointed at my seductive female companion. "Are lucky that I love the hell out of you. You know that?" She simply winked back.

**-The next morning-**

"HEY! GENITAL WARTS! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO OUR BATHROOM?!"

"What?" He ambled in scratching his lice ridden mohawk whilst wearing my…

"WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU YOU COULD WEAR MY BATHROBE?!"

"You used to let me so…." His shoulders moved in a sluggish united fashion known by some as shrugging whilst wearing my Betsey Johnson collection red satin robe.

"I NEVER LET YOU! EVER!"

"Oh well, I used to wear it back in the day when we used to bow chicka wow wow. You have killer taste in robes." He then did what I think he had hoped qualified as a dance. "Feels so good against my skin!" I gave him the glare of a lifetime whilst trying not to cross my arms. It was too early in the morning for Puck tit comments slash leers. "Don't get your panties in a twist. I'll give it back."

"I DON'T WANT IT BACK!" I then groaned an irritated groan knowing that I couldn't just kick him out because of my girlfriends need to pretend that we were still in glee club. "Just don't wear anymore of my shit, you got that?"

"Whatever you say chicka."

"Oh wow! You guys have matching robes!" I turn around to see that Brittany had stepped into the bathroom.

"No Brit, he just stole mine."

"Why didn't you just put one on your Amazon wishlist or something? We totally would have gotten you one for Christmas. Now we gotta get a new one for our sexually frustrated Mrs. Claus and horny worker elf roleplay before the Holidays." And…the sleazy Puck grin made its first appearance at 6:42 AM. Just lovely.

"Brittany, could you please give us a minute honey?" I asked as sweetly as I could at that moment. She gave me an approving nod and then turned towards the male person in the room.

"Puck," Brittany started in a very serious tone. "When alone with my super gorgeous smart talented girlfriend, I expect you to do nothing that I would do other than listen to her." Puck laughed and Brittany's face quickly turned into an irritated one as a result. "Noah Puckerman, I'm serious. I like being happy bubbly Brittany but if I hear from her that you were being inappropriate while she was attempting to share her feelings with you; which is very hard for her to do because she is scared of them and would prefer you to not know she's sensitive, I will run you over with my motocross bike and then have Lord tubbington sit on you after he's eaten an entire pot of fondue." Puck looked most horrified by the Tubbington part as any logical person would.

"Wow…. Santana has really rubbed off on you."

"In more ways than one." Brittany smirked and returned to her traditional perky manner. "I'm gonna go to the store. Need anything?" Her eyes shifted from Puck to me multiple times. We both shook our heads no. "Okay, see you guys later." And the hot lady friend was gone; leaving me with the human embodiment of a fist bump. We stood there for a few seconds in silence. Him in nothing but socks and my red satin robe and me in my Lima heights track pants and hoodie. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity he broke the silence.

"Soo….why do you hate me so much?" My eyebrows met my hairline and then they dropped and squashed together as a result of my confusion. Clearly, in a few years I was gonna need botox.

"What?"

"I've never done anything to you. In fact, you're probably the only girl I've ever had actual feelings for that I didn't cheat on or treat like shit in any way. I fucked over everyone else but you. So why?"

"What about cheating on me with Quinn?"

"I forget that happened?"

"Just like you forgot the baby?"

"Okay so maybe I've been a douche but compared to the other girls I've been way better with you, so why do you hate me so much?"

"Umm let's see," I pretended to ponder deeply. "You disrespect my shit for one!"

"No, but legit why Santana? At one point you were on the brink of being my girl that's a friend. What went wrong? I don't get it." I let out an annoyed sigh.

"I want to hate you because you are asking me way too serious of questions at an insanely early time of the morning even though I had planned on doing something similar to you…. BUT, I don't HATE you Puck. I just find you annoying and douchey and unthoughtful….

**-Seven minutes later-**

….and stupid, and arrogant, and to have supremely ugly feet yet still feel the need to wear flip-flops which you so grotesquely refer to as thongs… But even more than all of those things, you have an annoying knack for interrupting Brittany and me's private activities and then turning them into some gross shit that goes on in your mind. I love my girlfriend Puck, and I feel like you gallivanted into our home that we built together and then flat out looked at us like we're just fuck buddies. So, excuse me if I'm not a fan of that." His shock made itself apparent on his face.

"I didn't do any of that but Santana, are you kidding me? You guys used to be the definition of fuck buddies! Why do you think I hung out with you chickas? I was fucking there during that threesome that quickly turned into just you guys going at it and me getting shoved out of the bed repeatedly."

"You could never just take no for an answer…or even a kick in the balls for an answer."

"You guys were we hot! I think the whole world would relate to teenage me. Well, except Kurt….and Blaine…and Karofsky … Okay, maybe like 75% could relate." I rolled my eyes because how could I not? When around him I always had this distinct fear that I'd roll my eyes so hard that my contacts would fall out and then I'd step on them while trying to find them. And then end up going to jail after savagely murdering him and then I would have to survive on only the occasional conjugal_ visit_ from Britt-Britt….and you know, try to fend off the huge strong women that would likely take advantage of my profound inability to not drop the soap. Although, to be fair Brittany was typically the reason I dropped the soap. Holding on to it was often not a top priority when sex on legs had her mouth on my tits. Just saying.

"UGH Puck, We were never just fuck buddies. Even when I said we were we weren't and when I look at you and have you around I feel…" I couldn't even glance in his direction anymore so I just settled for staring off into nothingness for a while before finishing. "I feel like that fifteen year old girl that tried to fuck the gay away and I don't like it. I don't hate YOU, I hate what you symbolize from my past." When I was finally able to look him in the eye all I saw was hurt but I kept going. He wanted to know so I'd told him. Don't ask for what you can't handle. "I left Lima and took my beautiful girlfriend with me and purposely started my life over again. I've spent quite a bit of time trying to fill my life with new people because when I come into contact with people from my past they seem to try as hard as possible to break that bubble that I like to refer to as my clean slate. And I'm sorry…. but that makes me uncomfortable. Whether it's fair or not it's true." I finally glanced at him and he had an oddly proud expression on his face. "Oh God, don't make me slap the douche off your wrinkly mug."

"No no it's just… clearly, it goes both ways."

"What do you mean?"

"You've become so much more confident Santana. Brittany was right. That was really hard for you but you really do know how to speak about how you feel now huh?" I refused to acknowledge his statement in an effort to bring the sap level in the room down tenfold. If I wanted sap in my life I'd go in the backyard and drain it out of the maple tree Brittany had insisted we plant. "I know people call you a bitch and you are." I glared. "And people say things like you're so lucky to have Brittany and dude you are for sure. But Brittany; that woman, she's the luckiest woman in the world. No doubt about it. I get that I was like…a reminder of bad memories but we did have some good times. Sure the puckasaurus was not your thing and maybe I made a few too many jokes in high school about being able to show you a good time anyway but…You've grown and changed and become better and maybe I'm trailing behind you but I'm better too. We're both slightly less fucked up now and I think that we should both celebrate that. You know.." He kicked the floor in thought. "I kinda wish I could go back and we could pick up chicks together and like watch Spike TV and stuff."

"I like women Puck, not douchey TV."

"You watch Jersey shore."

"That's shitty TV, not douche TV. Difference." He gave me the 'you're avoiding the topic' face and I immediately read it and replied with my patented groan and eye roll combination.

"Santana, I want you to know that I believe your relationship is way more than being fuck buddies even if you guys still go at it like rabbits." I gave him a look that said 'You almost got through a sentence without being a tool but you just couldn't quite make it could you?' Yep, my face said all of that. "And I'm more than just some mediocre sex you had like seven year ago so before I leave can we get to know each other like the bros we should be? I mean who has more game with the ladies than us? We should unite forces. Be homies like you hoodrats would say in the heights." I took a deep breath because really, where was I gonna start?

"One, I'm gonna needed you to never utter the terms 'homies' or 'hoodrats' ever again. And that includes times when you are not even in my presence. For me to further partake in this conversational exchange, I require that you immediately agree upon those terms." He nodded with a hint of a smile trying to push through. "Secondly, never call me a bro again. Liking T&A doesn't make me a bro. Nor am I a bra. You need to learn to enunciate. I will not stand for the bastardization of the word bra. It does not mean bro, nor will it ever. And thirdly, maybe you have a point but it would be best for you to not do some sort of dumbass victory dance that involves you motioning to your crotch. I am still capable of a solid bitch slap and/or skilled bitch cutting." He further nodded. "In return, I agree to go in the living room with you, put on Girls Gone Wild, drink a few beers, and have a running commentary about the ladies juggs. You however will NOT inform other new directions members of this bonding activity. Understood, Landing strip?"

"Could I be Puck and not Landing Strip?"

"You heard my deal. It is the only one I will put on the table and it will expire within the next two minutes. So, take it or leave it." Once the dopey grin appeared on his face we both knew the answer…

**-Half hour later-**

"Ooo, it's not Tit Tuesday yet is it?" Brittany trotted in with groceries and what I recognized as an outrageously indiscreet bag from the local sex shop.

"You guys are the coolest couple ever. Number wah!" He then pointed his index finger in the air to further indicate that yes, he felt that we were number one aka wah. Seriously, what did I say about enunciation just a half hour ago?

"Well obviously," I shrugged like duh but then asked, "but what makes you think that?"

"Whenever I've had a girlfriend they get all mad if I even look at another chick yet you guys not only look at other women, you have freaking Tit Tuesday for Christ sakes! It's awesome!"

"All boobs are to be appreciated except for Finns." Why was she so amazingly glorious in every possible way?

"Brittany?"

"Yes, honey?" When I didn't reply she gracefully found her way over to me from the kitchen.

"You're perfect. I don't have more words for how perfect you are. Seriously, everything about you is amazing and sexy and…God, I just love you so much." I could see Brittany bite her lip and if I knew one thing it's that I knew that look. Brittany was going to ravage me within the next ten seconds…tops.

"Puck…"

"Yeah?" He answered absentmindedly while eating his popcorn. She smiled at him sweetly and then stated the following:

"Get the fuck out of our house." Pucks jaw dropped.

"W-What?"

"Go figure out your pool stuff, have sex with a few MILFS, and get the hell out for at least two hours." She gave me a scandalously slow once over. "Make that six hours."

"It's eight in the morning…I don't even have any meetings until later today…"

"I don't care." She stood in front of him in a deliciously menacing fashion that instantly sparked good times in my panties. "If you don't leave right now, I will drag you out."

"WHAT? You can't be serious? I don't even have pants on!"

"I'd listen to her." I piped in.

"Oh come o…." And she picked him up; causing popcorn to go everywhere. "LET ME GO!"

"I asked you nicely to leave."

"NO YOU DIDN'T!" She got to the door, twisted the door knob, kicked it open like she was Walker Texas Ranger, and literally threw his ass out.

"OWWW! FUCK WOMAN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" He rubbed the flat place where his butt was supposed to be.

"My girlfriend's hot." Brittany stated as if that explained everything and slammed the door shut. All that could be heard from outside the door was a mixture of "I'm so turned on right now!" and "ALPHA LESBIANS!" Brittany then opened the door again and yelled "I'm a bicorn!" and then slammed it shut once again.

"That was soooo incredibly….overwhelmingly sexy Britt-Britt. You're so strong and…." My breath was already shallow. Before I knew it she was standing right in front of me. Her jeans dropped rapidly and her manicured hand landed on top of my head. She stroked through my hair for a few seconds and I couldn't help the purr that escaped me.

"I love pussies."

"I've gathered that."

"You know what I want?" Her finger trailed its way down my jaw line and to my collarbone at a painfully slow pace.

"What do you want baby?" I knew what she wanted. My God did I know what she wanted. My Hands found her hips on their own accord. Subconsciously, I think they wanted what she had yet to say she wanted.

"You and I both know that It's done very well in Lima heights. Very…" She unzipped my hoodie and dropped it on the floor. "Very well." She dropped down to her knees and forcefully spread my legs. "But, I think it's about time I show you how the Dutch in Amsterdam get down."

And apparently they get down well there.

Or so we both heard.

Well, and the neighbors.

I suspect they heard too.


	2. But Not Enough

Thank you to all the lovely people who are reading, following, have reviewed, and favorited this vaginally frustrating collection of one shots. You are awesome times twelve. I'm sure you know that but I thought I would reiterate your awesomeness. :D Self-esteem is important you know and in this next one shot, Santana has PLENTY of it! Happy reading! :)

* * *

**Chapter 2: But Not Enough**

"Ma'am, do you have insurance?"

"Fuck NO!"

"Could you refrain from using such language in this office please?"

"Could you not ask me if I have insurance every fucking time I come in this pile of shit place? HMM? The answer two weeks ago when I was having my blood test done was NO! And the answer now is NO! I do NOT have insurance nor will I be getting insurance; even though I could afford it, just to SPITE you. You little fatassed know it all BITCH!"

You should have seen this chicks face. It was like I had taken an elephant sized dump in the middle of the office.

Complete and utter shock.

**-Two minutes later-**

While that annoying lady was sobbing on her coworkers shoulder, I took a seat in the waiting area. Here is my opinion on waiting: NO. Me and waiting just don't GO together. We're like oil and water or ice cream and mustard. Waiting causes me to get antsy. This antsyness manifests itself eventually into ... Let's just say I've been known to have a slight temper problem...

"WHERE ARE THE FUCKING MAGAZINES AROUND THIS SHITHOLE?!" The woman across from me glared the most annoyed glare I had ever seen. "What? Why are you staring? Oh yes right, you're visualizing me naked. Well then, proceed. May I suggest starting with the breast area and then going down? I've heard the trip is a rather scenic one." She gave me a look that said 'You are the most disgusting pervert I have ever met and I hope you get felt up by rabid monkeys and then vomited on by a giraffe.'

Yes, her look said every one of those things. Her expressions expressed themselves very well. With that being said, my middle finger also magically decided to express itself. I'd always tried to give my body parts the freedom to do as they pleased; which would explain my often hard nipples. Anyway... One of the stupidass ladies that worked there got me a magazine. Which magazine you ask?

"Better Homes and Gardens? Who the FUCK reads this shit? Do I look like Martha Stewart?"

"No, you've probably been to jail more times. But, I mean jails a vacation for you right? Getting violated by all those very very VERY desperate women." The expressive look woman remarked.

"You should learn how to sit and look pretty. Talking is a cockblock for you."

"Cockblock? I thought you were gay?"

"Oh I am, but I take it that you're not."

"Why do you say that?"

"We would be fucking by now if you were." And there was that look again.

"You have to be the least polite person I have ever met. EVER."

"Listen...what's your name?"

"Quinn."

"Bitch," Her nostrils flared. "When you look like I do you don't HAVE to be nice. Being nice is for fatasses. If you're ugly then you have to make up for it. Considering my physical situation, I don't need to pretend like I give a fuck. I don't CARE and at least I am HONEST about it. You on the other hand are just a frigid bitch and I'm sure that's working out just wonderfully for you and the unfortunate sexually frustrated soul you're dating. And you may say to yourself, 'How does she know I'm not single?' I know because every single thing about you screams that you are the type of girl that can't be single for more than five minutes even though you only put out aka lay there a maximum of three times a year and it's so intensely vanilla that your partner has to think about somebody more interesting while they are attempting to bang your dead fish like body. And that somebody that they are thinking about is somebody like me." I then turned the page of Better Homes and Gardens as if I were actually reading it.

"My sex life is NONE of your business!"

"You're right, but even if it was, you would have nothing to share. Why? Because you are a stuck up bitch."

"Says the HUGE BITCH!"

"Well DUH. You must be a rocket scientist. My bitchiness comes from my extreme honesty. When I see someone who has the brain power of a wet fart I tend to inform them about it. Why? Because I like to. It causes me oodles of joy. Putting people down is my right and if I wish to exercise it then so be it."

"No matter what the consequences."

"When you look like this..." I pointed to my face. "There are no consequences."

"Santana Hudson?" I stood up. "Hello, my name is Tina."

"Why do you people tell us patients your names? Do you think we retain this useless information?"

She gave me one of those tight 'I really want to tell this slut off but if I do I might get fired' smiles. It was the desired effect. She pretended I didn't say anything and led me to my doctor's office. "She will be with you in a minute. Please take off your clothes and put this robe on over your undergarments."

"This is just an excuse for you guys to see me naked." That was honestly supposed to be amusing. But instead of finding amusement in my rather clever and delightful comment, she just glared.

"I won't be seeing anything. Just the doctor. Please change." With that she left the room. I concluded that she was lonely and needed some help in the 'sexual tension relief' department._ Hopefully, some poor soul with incredibly low standards will donate their time to help her._

I quickly changed into the required white robe and made my best attempts to hop on the fucking sitting dealybobber. The issue is that I am SHORT. I'm not fucking LeBron James, I can't jump a mile! Whoever designed those things is an assholes times thirty-five! A few knocks were heard. "Come in." I responded. I heard the door open and then quickly click again. I didn't turn around; I was too focused on conquering the bench thingy.

"Please sit on the bench." No, I had NEVER thought OF THAT! Who would ever think that they were supposed to sit on the examination bench? What a concept!

"Why do you think I'm out of breath?! I've been trying to get on this thing for the last five minutes! The bastard that designed this contraption was NOT thinking of short people when he did it."

"Who said it was a man?" I heard papers shuffling. "It could have easily been an inconsiderate woman."

"No women are too thoughtful AND typically shorter, it was a dude." I tried to hop on it again but the only thing I managed to accomplish was stubbing my toe. How? Don't ask me, the whole thing happened extremely fast. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes as I plummeted to the ground. "FUCK!"

"Are you okay?"

"You're right! A woman designed this piece of shit! YOU!" I pointed at her accusingly. "This was your plan! You want to fuck me up so bad that I end up having a concussion so you can jack up my bill!" She stood over me and looked down at me in a warm yet professional manner.

"You know, that's a very good idea. For that, I'll help you up." She extended her hand and I grabbed it. Of course I looked for the obvious thing. I mentally cursed. "Why did you just curse? Did you actually hurt something?"

Okay, maybe not so mentally.

"No, I'm fine."

Really, I was looking to see if she was married and I noticed that she didn't have a ring...Now you are wondering why I cursed huh? Well, I just felt like it. I'm sure you get the need to spontaneously yell 'Fuck' or 'I'm on the pussy patrol!' too. Don't judge me you bastard. No, don't think of not listening to my ramblings now that I've just insulted you. This story gets JUICIER! You'd be a moron not to continue! I mean sure, you're a bastard but not a moron, right?

"Okay, let's help you up on the bench." She ever so smartassishly pulled out a step on the bench. I glared at her while she clearly struggled to not smirk at me.

"Know it all." And the smirk finally broke through.

"Please get on the bench so we can begin..." She scanned through my records while I used the step to magically arrive on top of the bench. Once this happened I finally took a minute to actually take a good look at this doctor. It turns out that unlike the majority of the people I had seen that day, she was worth the energy it took to look. I didn't get that immediate sick feeling upon viewing her face. I really didn't want to be at the doctor feeling nauseous BECAUSE of the doctor. That would perturb me greatly.

"Okay Ms. Hudson..."

"Call me Santana."

"All right, I'm Dr. Pierce, nice to meet you." We shook hands, which lead me to conclude that she had soft skin. This was yet another thing to add to my 'Reasons why Dr. Pierce is not repulsive list.'

1) She didn't cause me to become instantly violently ill upon viewing her face.

2) She had soft skin

3) Her stethoscope was going down her shirt.

"We will start out with...what? Is something wrong?"

After making the visual trip from her face down to the area in which the stethoscope had invaded, I had determined the next thing on my list.

4) She was filled with femaleness, otherwise known as female endowment, AKA BOOBS. I've been known to prefer humans with boobs versus ones without. I feel that explains my marriage to Finn.

"Nothing's wrong. Everything's perfect." I grinned far too brightly.

"Good..." Dr. Pierce looked me up and down suspiciously. She knew something was up and if I was a boy, she most definitely would have been right. "This is just a standard checkup, Santana. You had a blood test last week and everything checked out okay but I just want to see how your overall general health is. Let's see, your last visit with Dr. Tanaka was_... _**SEVEN YEARS AGO**!" She gave me a look as if to say 'You shouldn't wait that long to go to the doctor.' I waited that long because I wanted to AVOID TANAKA! The reason you ask? That creepy slimeball had significantly too much hand hair. It was exceedingly distracting. What? I don't care what anyone says, that is a COMPLETELY plausible reason NOT to go to the doctor and I'm sticking with it! Anyway, Dr. FELINE as I had decided to mentally call her since her scrubs had cats on them, had gone through that weird popsicle stick thing, and that looking in your ears thing, and that looking up your nose thing. I was really getting impatient because I wanted her to check out the GOOD areas.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you some personal health questions. I know they are annoying and some are kind of weird and invasive but they are important, okay?" She really could ask me whatever she wanted. Things like 'Would you like to go out with me tonight?' and 'Would you like to skip the bullshit dinner that nobody gives a fuck about and just jump to the good part?' would be preferable questions; but she could ask me whatever tickled her fancy. Fancy tickling sounds lovely, doesn't it?

"All right."

"Okay, do you have any issues sleeping?"

"Nope." She checked off a box on her sheet.

"Do you have shortness of breath when you exercise?" _She probably doesn't count applying mascara as exercise ...but considering the fullness of my lashes...she should._

"No, I don't. But I don't exercise often, I naturally just stay like this." I pointed to myself noting my thinness.

"Even so, you really should. Three or four times a week for a half an hour can do wonders for your long term health." I hadn't heard a word of this. Or any of the next questions until...

"Are you sexually active?"

"Depends, will you be in my bed tonight?"

You're jealous of that line, admit it. That line is a guaranteed pussy revealer.

She gave me an unreadable look before she busted out laughing.

"That was a good one!" She pointed at me with her pen. I smiled as if I wasn't being serious. _She will learn before long that I am in fact very serious...At least that is the plan._

"AHH this might go with that question. Are you married? It's been so long since you've been to the doctor it says N/A on the sheet." She gave me another judgmental 'Seriously, stop by the office more often' look.

"Yeah, I have a husband." She checked off another box.

"Do you two have a satisfactory sex life?"

"Why do you need to know that?"

"Well, it is a bellwether symptom for many ailments. A lack of satisfactory sex can be caused by clinical depression, sleep deprivation, blood pressure issues, and a few other things..." Like being gay? Cause I know that's what was fucking up mine and my husband's sex life. I got married at eighteen and thought that I really knew what I wanted. But after a few LONG HARD minutes of marriage, I realized that while I DID want to be married, I just didn't want to be to HIM. So, to fix the problem, I cheated on him with my maid of honor. Trust me; the events of that evening were NOT very honorable. But I am strangely proud that it took me less than a day to cheat. It must be some sort of record. However, to my credit, Finn and I were still married five years later. If you don't take any other advice from me take this. The real key to any working marriage is to have sex with lots of people other than your spouse. I can't emphasize that enough.

"Well, we don't have sex very often and when we do it's not that great...but that doesn't really bother me."

"So the lack of intercourse doesn't bring on any sort of depression? Anxiety?"

"No no, not at all."

"Well okay, it is totally normal for some women to have low sex drives_..." Did she just question my sex drive? Did that seriously just happen? REALLY? IS SHE SHITTING ME?!_

"My sex drive is beyond normal. In fact, I created having a sex drive!" She gave me a quizzical look and perked an eyebrow before laughing again.

"Ah sarcasm! You're very funny Santana."

"I'm NOT BEING SARCASTIC! My sex drive is GREAT!"

"These are just routine questions, no need to get offended." She smirked while seemingly enjoying my irritation.

"Well, I AM offended! I have plenty of SEX!" There went the eyebrow again.

"Are you having sex with men besides your husband? Are you practicing safe sex?" _Oh sweet LORD!_

"NO!"

"No to which question?"

"I am NOT having sex with other men!" Dr. FELINE gave me a strange facial expression before everything clicked in her brain, which resulted in her mouthing 'OH'.

"Does your husband know about these women? Is there more than one?"

"Why is this important?"

"Well Santana, this is now not just about your sexual health but about your husbands. If you are having sex with multiple different women that your husband has no knowledge of and then you have sex with him...How little it may be... If you have not properly protected yourself you could be passing the possible ramifications of this on to him."

"He knows. He sleeps with other women too. We have an open marriage. We both take the proper precautions." _Soo... I may have just lied a tad because we don't actually have an open marriage; at least HE doesn't think so. I have different opinions... Mainly that we do._

"And this arrangement has worked for how long?"

"Five years."

"No sexual health issues?"

"Nope."

"Okay, that answers a few of my other questions."

"Like if I will sleep with you?" She smirked.

"That was funnier when I thought you were attracted to men."

"I am attracted to men." _Okay, I lied again. Why am I suddenly lying so much?_ "But I'm also attracted to women."

"I see." She continued writing on my records sheet.

"I wear a size 8 shoe in case you need that info too."

"Thank you, it's good to know that your feet are proportionate to the rest of your body."

"Yes, I'm quite anatomically correct."

"And I'll check yes on the 'high self-esteem' option..." I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic, truthful, or flirting. She had this steely professional lady look about her (minus the cat scrubs). I personally found it hot.

"That would be wise. Would you check the same box for yourself?" She gave me an odd expression.

"This really is about you Mrs..."

"It's Santana and it's a simple question. You know that me and my husband barely have sex. Why can't I be allowed to know a small tidbit about you?"

"Fine, I wear a size 8 1/2 shoe."

"You're cute, you know that? Sitting there all self assured in your doctor's gear with a stethoscope going down your shirt..." She immediately looked down and turned a little red. She then went to remove it but stopped when she noticed I was watching. "You know it would be easier to remove if you just unbuttoned your shirt." She turned an even redder shade and I smirked mischievously at her in return.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you." It wasn't a question.

"Yes, highly." We locked eyes for a moment. She then gave me this look that said 'Are you REALLY going to stare at me while I remove this thing?' The look I responded with said 'Most definitely, and I plan on doing so in the most blatant manner possible.' She rolled her eyes and stuck her hand in her shirt; slowly pulling out the stethoscope. Something about the pace she did it at told me she was doing it sensuously on purpose to see what my reaction would be. Never had I known that removing a stethoscope from one's cleavage could be so alluring.

"Happy?" She proudly showed me the end of the heart hearing medical device.

"You could make me happier by checking my heartbeat." Dr. FELINE shyly smiled. I could tell that she didn't want to, but nevertheless was enjoying this. She was having a harder and harder time pretending that she didn't.

"I don't think so Santana."

"So that thing is worthy of your breasts but not of my heart? What if I sweetened the deal and said you could do the same to my breasts?"

"I'm your doctor, I don't even notice that you have breasts."

"So you don't want to check them for lumps? That's just irresponsible!" She grinned and bit her bottom lip.

"You're the biggest flirt I've ever met."

"I'm the best too." She shook her head in disbelief. "Oh come on, admit it."

"Yeah, probably."

"I'm the best at other things as well."

She rolled her pretty eyes and scoffed.

"Now you're just being foul. I'm your doctor and this is a purely professional relationship we have, understand?"

"Yes, and I'm strictly business. So let's get down to it." I patted the space beside me on the examination bench.

"Please stop."

"You like it. You like that I'm coming on to you." My brain went RIGHT in the toilet upon saying that last sentence. What? Oh your brain went in the toilet TOO. And if it didn't well...It has now! You're very VERY welcome.

"None of that even matters. No trust can be broken between us. I am only here to make sure that you are in great physical condition."

"What better way to test that out than by giving my body a test drive?"_ I am GOING to wear this woman DOWN. She will be mine and there WILL be hot lab coat containing sex. I will make SURE of it!_

"Santana..."

"Dr. Feline. Come on, you must be in heat." She tried soooo hard not to smile... but it was a true failure. She enjoyed my horny cheesiness no matter how much she didn't want to. Some things can't be helped.

"That's Dr. Pierce to you." She spoke with fake authority.

"Baby, I'll call you whatever you want at the peak of orgasm...That is if you can get me there." She folded her arms.

"Is that some sort of challenge?"

"No, not really..." I stared at my fingernails as if this topic was failing to hold my attention. "But I mean it wouldn't matter if it was, would it? You would miserably fail anyway." I shrugged nonchalantly.

"I absolutely would not. I am MORE than qualified to achieve that goal."

"Just because you got A's in anatomy back in med school doesn't mean that you know what to do with it."

"Now you're just being a bitch!"

"A bitch you're intrigued by."

"I am a professional!"

"A professional sex avoider."

"That is NOT true!"

"See what it feels like to have your sex drive questioned?" I gave her a wise all knowing 'You should feel bad about yourself ' expression.

"Come here."

"Baby, I'd could come right where I am if you were closer."

"I thought you said I wasn't capable?"

"I say a lot of things; most of them filthy."

"I've noticed. Now, come HERE."

"No." I folded my arms. Now it seems that I had slightly turned her on. How did I know this? She was just a BIT eager...really though. Not that much.

She ripped off my white robe (and I mean ACTUALLY RIPPED) and showed complete uncaring for my bra as it was quickly thrown into the abyss of the room. It was never to be seen again. She pulled me down from the examination bench and planted one on me roughly. Our hands went everywhere. Generally good places.

Her attire magically found itself all off except for the white coat and stethoscope. I didn't even wait for her to help me out with the rest of my situation. I took everything else I had on off in the least graceful most sex wanting way ever in recorded history. I think she would have made fun of me had the result of my hasteful clothing removal not been hot nakedness...It was slightly distracting for her and led to lascivious groping of my body on her part. Anyway, after essential removal of clothing and horny groping, Brittany lifted me back on the examination table and decided to um... examine me? All I can say is that she was like a hot corrupt OBGYN...and I liked it.

However, I made sure to refrain from expressing high levels of like in an inappropriate volume considering the unprofessionalism of the act we were currently partaking in...

"WOOO YEAH CHECK OUT THAT PUSSY BABY!" For some reason that Beyonce song 'Check on it' popped into my head during that moment...Let's just say my thoughts were a little jumbled. I can't control where my brain goes okay? Don't judge me.

In response to my...delightful comment, she gave me a deadly serious look that stated 'If you want this to continue, you're going to have to shut the fuck up from this point further.' Considering the fire that was going on down south...I nodded in agreement. The last thing I wanted was to end this and then not ever see her again. And I didn't feel that way just because she was HIGHLY fuckable. I felt that way because well...I kinda liked her. She was just as likable as fuckable. And I found out quickly just how fuckable she was...The knuckle deep fingering helped.

"Oh God, I'm gonna come!" She exclaimed. So much for keeping hush hush about our horny examination table sex...But let's not pretend either of us really cared anymore. I had forgot about absolutely everything in the world except for her hot naked on the edge of having the orgasm of the millennium self.

"OH FUCK! SHIT! OH FUCK IT'S SO GOOD!" Add about ten more expletives to that. Her orgasm ripped through her body causing perhaps the sexiest sex flush I had ever seen...and I'd seen a lot of them.

She was definitely not one of those people that was really into laying there and catching her breath. She immediately shoved me off her and repositioned me (seriously, I didn't help at all) on her face. She had to have a rather high lung capacity for what she accomplished...I figured at the time that she ran a lot which would have also explained the hot sexy toned tight body...Oh God, I'm drooling, sorry. Well, I wasn't drooling then, but a hell of a lot of me was pretty damn wet. Her presence, touches, and just overall amazingness caused a lot of excessive sweating. Something about her hot mouth sucking on my...it was almost too much. I'm just gonna be real with you, okay? I was a tad overwhelmed...and I'm NEVER OVERWHELMED.

And I take it back...

She was right and I was WRONG.

SHE **KNEW** THE FEMALE ANATOMY.

She teased the hell out of me downstairs to the point that I had to beg her to just get to the motherfucking God damn point and once she got to the point she sure as hell made her point.

Not only did she know that female anatomy...She must have invented it. Whatever the case, she invented this activity, that's for sure. After I came down for the orgasm that just wouldn't quit...A lot more teasing happened. When I tried to make my case that I needed a second in between rounds, she just gave me this look that screamed 'Well, that ain't gonna happen'. Somehow, she understood my body better than I did because she knew that I had another one (or twelve) in me...But I guess if anyone was gonna know, it was gonna be her. I mean, she did examine the area pretty thoroughly.

From this point further there was a lot of hot naked sweaty primal grinding, and then rhythmic scissoring, and then even MORE hot naked sweaty primal grinding...Okay, maybe it was scissoring and then grinding and then... You know what? I don't actually recall, I was too busy orgasming and having my eyes roll back to really register what the fuck was going on. Honestly, she could have told me afterwords that we went to Jupiter and I would have believed her. The woman had powers. Speaking of powerful things...

She recklessly pushed me down on the table and began her second round of oral examinations...I mean she had to make sure the area was healthy, and what better way than to double check? One can never be too sure. When I started arching and screaming out incoherent things I think it was pretty obvious that that area as well as her tongue were pretty damn healthy.

It was about this time that we inconveniently heard some knocking on the door but when you've got knockers right in front of you...The sound version just fails to peak your attention. However, this knocking was then followed by voices...Which still failed to stop what was going on between the hot doctor lady and me.

That proved to be a rather unfortunate.

"DR. PIERCE?!" Tina screeched in surprise.

"BRITTANY?!" The woman, who looked vaguely familiar standing beside Tina yelled in a mixture of shock and furiousness.

"Hey, it's BITCH!" The lady, I now remembered to be the bitchy woman named Quinn from the lobby gave me a death glare. She was so mad that she turned bright red. Like fire extinguisher red. She looked like a tomato with hair...In a dress a five year old girl would wear to church.

Brittany decided that this moment was the opportune time to use the greatest excuse known to man and womankind.

"Quinn and Tina," Dr. Pierce began. "This is NOT what it looks like." How I LOVE that excuse! The reason I heart it so much is because if you ever find yourself using it it is 99.999999% of the time EXACTLY what it looks like. And this was DEFINITELY what it looked like...In fact, it was even MORE than what it looked like.

"I can't BELIEVE you're having SEX with a patient! AND Of all patients you pick HER?!" Tina almost seemed more pissed off than Quinn aka BITCH.

"Dr. Pierce," I decided right then was the best possible time to start speaking again. "Why is bitch here?"

"MY NAME IS NOT BITCH! AND I AM HER FUCKING GIRLFRIEND YOU STUPID FLOOZIE!" _I may be a floozie and I may not be the sharpest knife in the shed but...wait...What was my point again?_

"Wow...You have REALLY bad taste in women, Pierce." I remarked. "REALLY bad taste."

"You could say THAT again." Tina agreed while looking at me in pure disgust.

"We will be TALKING Brittany and I better see you at home RIGHT after work! If you are NOT I will FIND you! Don't even THINK OF FUCKING WITH ME!" Well, clearly she wasn't. That's why her and I were having sex, not her and Quinn. After BITCH's statement, Brittany got this look on her face that said 'Oh goody, talking which will lead to nagging, then screaming, with some yelling, and then more screaming, and then finally crying with a touch of wheezing...That sounds FUN and orgasmless.'

"Jesus Christ you're a BITCH, BITCH."

"MY NAME IS NOT FUCKING BITCH! YOU'RE THE GOD DAMN HOME WREAKING BITCH HERE!" I shrugged in all my naked entangled in the sexy doctor glory.

"We've gone OVER this! I KNOW!"

After Quinn and Tina stomped out and some male nurse named 'Stoner Brett' just stood there and pointed and laughed at us for about ten minutes...We were finally left alone. It was quiet for quite some time until,

"My girlfriends gonna kill me tonight."

"Well, I'm sure as hell not going to tell her."

"That WAS my girlfriend Santana! Weren't you LISTENING?"

"Oh yes, right. Well I kinda tuned her out. I'm sure you do that the majority of the time right? Her voice is like a perpetual recording of nails on a chalkboard that has been played on full blast through a bullhorn."

"Just shut up about my girlfriend!" She untangled her legs from mine. I was rather displeased with that action.

"Oh PLEASE! Like you really want her! You had sex with ME! You think I'm HOT! You can't possibly think that of HER."

"You can't tell me how to FEEL! Besides...You just have a lot of…You contain a lot of... Fuckability..." I think she expected me to get mad but my only response was,

"I can't deny that." She rolled her eyes.

"Your husband doesn't REALLY know you do this, does he?

"Nope, when I'm gone he thinks I'm out bowling." She busted out in ruckus laughter. "Hey! I might have bowling talent!"

"Nope, you're just in the gutter all the time."

"So I'm smut, but you like it and don't try to deny it."

"Who says I would?" There was a moment of silence. "Is that seriously the best excuse you could come up with? BOWLING?"

"Of course not, I just didn't need to come up with a better one. Now, with you, I had to put in effort to get you to disrobe...and it was worth it. Putting in any effort with my husband is pretty pointless."

"Putting in effort with my girlfriend is also kind of pointless. However, I would have come up with a much better excuse than that."

"Nobody questioned her smarts; she's just frigid and bitchy."

"You're a bitch too."

"For the last time! I KNOW! But I'm not frigid. I'd say that makes me a step up for you. Admit it, I am."

"I will NOT admit that. Like I said, you're just fuckable."

"One, there should not be a JUST behind any word describing my fuckability. It is astounding how fuckable I am; it's nothing to poo poo at. And secondly, I am more than just unbearably sexy. I make a wonderful spouse." Because she was either insane or insensitive, or both...she snorted.

"A wonderful spouse? You cheat on your husband regularly! I wouldn't call that a wonderful spouse."

"You cheated on your girlfriend!"

"First of all, I did NOT claim to be a wonderful spouse. And secondly, I've only cheated ONE time in a two year relationship. It's not like I'm a repeat offender. AND we're not MARRIED nor am I lying to her about my sexuality."

"Oh get off your high horse woman! You're a slimeball just like me! Why can't you see that we should be slimy TOGETHER?!"

"I don't think that has EVER been phrased more terribly in the history of phrasing things. And I wouldn't even consider myself to be good with words but even I could do better than that. One time I asked Quinn's mom if I could have desert because I love moist cake." _Don't let her distract you by being cute Santana. Don't Let her!_

"Why are you being so difficult?"

"Santana," She sighed. "I have another appointment soon. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"You can't be serious?!"

"What? Did you think we were going to be together forever?"

"Kinda...Well, at least until the sex slows down."

"Out!"

"Fine fine," I got up and dusted my naked self off. We both redressed in awkward silence. "Will you just admit one thing?" I stared at her questioningly in all seriousness.

"What would you like me to admit?"

"Admit you like me." And she was kind enough to give me the real answer.

"I do, but I love her." I nodded.

"But,"

"But?"

"But not enough, Brittany." I wrote my number down and put it in her open palm. She glanced down at her hand for a few seconds before she closed her fingers around the paper and then whispered,

"But not enough."

* * *

*Drives Pussy Patrol Truck* I'm giving out...tickets. LOL I hope you enjoyed this outrageously long insanely cursy chapter. I had a blast writing it. I happen to have a thing for reviews in the same way Santana has a thing for hot doctors in cat print scrubs. I think they're delicious :D

12-1-12 Authors note: In case anyone was wondering (I got a few questions about this), Santana in this chapter was based on 'Duets' Santana. Shes an absurdly exaggerated HBO version (meaning lots of cursing) of herself. The characterization is based on two of her quotes: "I wants to get my mack on" + "I don't mean to be a bitch. well, yeah, actually I do." Brittany is exaggerated 'Born this Way aka shirt locker' Brittany. Basically, a bit more stern and well spoken than she typically is. I thought these two versions would be funny together so that's why I wrote it. Thank you for reading, new update soon. :)


	3. Keep It In The Closet

I have recently realized I have a Bram phobia. The reason for this is mainly because I have an aversion to things that come from the bowels of Ryan Murphy. Personally, I take pride in it. Because of my need to express said phobia via words, this chapter happened!

So how about we take a brief break from today's shitfest, shall we? :)

* * *

**Chapter 3: Keep it in the Closet**

"Well, if it isn't the formerly Bieber haired one." My hands found my hips as I stood in my single bitchiest stance. "I hear that you have been looking at my ex-girlfriend in a more than friendly manner, care to comment on your eyes's poor decision?"

"How did you hear..."

"I have my sources Froggy Mcpufferlips...and by that I mean all the fucking losers from the class of 2012 that still hang out around this ratchet ass high school. Who the hell does that?"

"Well, you're here so.."

"And you know why I'm here Ellen hair?"

"Um..."

"For the love of Macaulay Culkin you're dim. Let me lay it down for you. I want you to understand that I can be cordial and attempt to pretend to care that you might possibly have feelings because Britt is friends with you but I swear if you look in her direction with so much as the inkling that you even have the slightest minuscule of a chance at tapping that hot ass I will make sure you take a one way trip on the bitch town express to the Lima heights adjacent graveyard. If you forced me to have to make you take such a nightmare inducing trip, I can promise that I would make sure to be there to tie you up non-sexually, lay you in the sun on top of a fire ant hill, and force you to stare at a giant pile of chapstick that you would not be able to reach as your humongous droopy vagina mouth slowly chaps and birds build nests in it. After you have cried for your mommy like the little pube-less child that you are, I would dispose of you in a manner so ghastly that describing it in words would cause you to instantly go into cardiac arrest. Now, because I am a woman who gives people, no matter how stupid, I.E. Finn, second chances; I will let you make the smart choice right here and now and confirm that you will be stepping the FUCK off my Brittany for the rest of your pointless existence." The expression on his face said he had either shit himself or was on the brink of do so. It pleased me.

"WOW!" Tina exclaimed a few lockers away. "When you like a person you really pee on your property huh?"

"Listen Lo mein," Tina glared. "I LOVE Brittany, I don't just like her, and Brittany has a lot of interesting fetishes that I'm sure she would LOVE to tell you about but that is not one of them. Many interests that you," I directed my attention back to Sam "would have an absolute impossibly keeping up with."

"Umm..."

"Low rent chanel commercial parody Brad Pitt, Brittany has NEVER stayed faithful to a guy before. EVER. Every time she has gotten with one she ends up back in my bed and you wanna know why? One, no guy could possibly keep up with her and two, because she loves me and she DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Nor will she love you in any other way besides being like a little brother who picks their nose and flings the findings at her. So, you best step the hell off before I cutz your lips off one by one and then drive over them repeatedly with my mustang."

"Umm..."

"AND ANOTHER THING. Brittany not only likes lots of feelings which you are far too stupid to ever express, but she also truly truly doesn't like dummies. Artie and I only have one thing in common besides dating Brittany and that is that we are smart. Very smart. Stubbles knows his damn spy gear that's for sure. And what do you know? Sean Connery impressions? Lemon juice hair dying techniques? Please, she would get bored with your denseness so even if let's say she DID end up having a horny moment and ended up sticking her hand down your salvation army collection jeans…. because that's how that would go; you would be tied on to the bed and have ZERO control of the situation and then lose your hard on after five point two seconds from over excitement… I PROMISE that she would only look at you like a bootycall because she does not have respect for or care to be in a monogamous relationship with a moron. And you know what else?" He just stared at me with his huge mouth agape, "This is when you ask me what." Not too quick on the uptake was he?

"W-what?"

"This, this force that you have just experienced. This was NICE me. You actually attempt to date her and a world of torment that even Satan herself would think is harsh will crash upon you." He simply stared at me as if he had just found out I was the anti-Christ. It was the desired reaction. I then patted him on the cheek in the most patronizing fashion in recorded history. "I know you will make the right decision Evans." I took a few steps and then looked back over my shoulder. "And by the way, Mercedes says hi." As I moved away from his location I slowly dialed my bitch meter back down to level three. ...Well, I did after I hit Jacob Ben Israel with his own umbrella. He had it coming. Anyway, I strutted down the hall as one does when they are me only to be interrupted by a hand grabbing and yanking me into the janitor's closet.

"WHAT THE FU..." Another hand slapped over my mouth and a pair of lips grazed my ear.

"Well, hello there pretty lady." She then let go of my mouth and replaced her hand with her lips.

"Love it Britt. SO much nostalgia." I flicked the light switch on.

"I know right? When you wouldn't come out of your flannel closet it put a bad taste in my mouth about making out in closets but now...I love it." Her grin was massive and God had I missed it.

"We're just gonna…" I trailed off and raised my eyebrows up and down suggestively.

"Make out? Yes, just makeout Santana."

"But we used to…" More suggestive eyebrow raising happened here.

"I know, and I loved every.." She kissed my temple. "Second of it. But we were also a couple then too and you know how I feel about sleeping around without being official now." _  
_

"That brings me to something."

"What does it bring you to?" Brittany sat down on a bucket and patted on her lap for me to sit. I always loved using her as my chair. She had a way of making me feel incredibly protected when I did so. Not that I would ever admit that to anyone ever besides her of course.

"I've...It's none of my business and I want you to know that no matter what the truth is that I am not judging you or acting like I have any right to tell you what to do because I broke up with you and it's not my place at all." She nodded and stared softly into my eyes. "It's just…I hear there might be something going on between you and…."

"Who Santana? Because if this is about Unique or Joe they both turned me down when I asked them to Sadie Hawkins " I couldn't help but chuckle even though I really didn't want to laugh. She sensed my need for seriousness and control and rubbed my back soothingly as encouragement to speak.

"Sam, Brittany." She held my eyes for a while and made a face I couldn't decipher.

"And who told you that?"

"I don't think that matters…"

"We never keep secrets from each other Santana."

"That's not the poi.." She cut me off.

"Was it Jewfro? Because I don't like violence but I will hit him with my umbrella again if I have to."

"One, HOT, and two, already took care of that a few minutes ago." She gave me a confused expression. "Please just be honest with me, do you like him?"

"Everybody likes Sam. He's Sam I am. There's no reason not to like Sam." Oh, I could find a few reasons…

"You're avoiding my question Brittany."

"Santana, we're like brother and sister…" She booped my nose as if to say 'you're being silly'. "You know that."

"Maybe to you you're like brother and sister…." I mumbled.

"What does that mean?"

"Do you really not notice that he likes you?"

"Honey, I don't pay a lot of attention to him. I spend my time dancing, strategizing new diet plans for Lord Tubbington, going to motocross practice, practicing for glee and most of all, missing my super hot ex-girlfriend."

"Somebody is schmoozing the hell out of me right now."

"Why would I do that with my nose?"

"No no that's schnoz. I mean you're trying to get me out of my pants."

"But you're wearing a dress."

"It's just a saying Britt."

"Oh, well you look hot in this dress. Like super hot."

"See, dying to get me naked again."

"Why would I try to use words to get you naked when I could just use my hands?"

"Sometimes you make more sense than any other person on the planet Britt, I swear."

"You think so?"

"Honey," I gave her a peck and my voice lowered. "I know so."

"Now look at who's trying to get who naked."

"Is it working?"

"I still think hands work better."

"I would never dispute that. May I put your theory to the test?"

"It's not fair that you have your boobs in my face. It's…"

"Hard to say no?"

"Yeah."

"Then don't say no."

"We're not together anymore Santana."

"So? You wanted to make out. So…what's stopping us?"

"I can't just make out with you anymore."

"Why do you say that?" She gave me a look that said 'You know why.' After a small staring match she finally replied,

"Because if I so much as touch you right now I'm going to fuck you until you're limping." I loved when she cursed. She only did it around me and when she did I felt it in the pit of my stomach every time.

"Still failing to see the problem Britt-Britt."

"And the whole school will hear."

"And?"

"And we're not together."

"But there are feelings Brittany and isn't that the key? That's what you once told me. We want to be a couple but can't be so let's at least be together for this precious moment that we have alone."

"Why? Why can't we be a couple?"

"You know why," She simply gave me that 'I'm pretending to be clueless' expression she was so good at. "The distance babe. The distance is the problem."

"But your boobs are in my face. I can smell the Chanel you sprayed on them. You're not far away."

"You know what I mean."

"It's a cop out."

"No it's…" She cut me off.

"Be my girlfriend again Santana."

"Brittany."

"Please baby, I miss you so much and you miss me and we're in love and there's no reason for us to not be together. Just say yes. Please?"

"I…"

**-In the hall-**

"Human I often forget exists, why are you still hanging round the hall when you should be in class attempting to learn things your futile brain has zero chance of retaining because this school does not teach a course on chapstick applying techniques." Sam stared at her in his typically confused fashion for a few seconds before he was hit with a lightbulb moment. This lady seemingly knew me for the most part, so what better time than the present to try and attempt to possibly get some valuable info out of this tree like specimen that was currently standing in front of him?

"Ms Sylvester, Santana was on your squad for a long time right? So I'm guessing you know her pretty good? Right?"

"Go on Home Alone."

"Okay umm…What is she capable of..exactly? I mean she threatened me a little while ago and I just want to know how…if I should actually worry."

"Oh personalityless boy that girls with no taste would have a crush on because you are spineless and non threatening, you have a crush on the crayon fetishist, don't you?

"Huh?"

"Listen Male Brittany, any attempt to date female Brittany would be stupid even for you. It would be stupid even for Finn, and I saw him try to drink out of my custom made mug from France called 'The LaCup.' What is Santana capable of? If you have to ask that question you don't know what you're in for. Is she the dynamic powerful incredible sexual force that I am? No. But is she capable of making your life even more painful and hopeless? You bet your sweet sorry ass He-stripper. She was on my squad for years and I personally trained her on how to destroy peasants like yourself so if you involve yourself with poor poor dimwitted Brittany; I would pay attention to the marbles in your pants because one day you might find them mysteriously missing. Now if you will excuse me, I have people to talk to whom have reasons to exist and are capable of doing more than three average at best impressions." She adjusted her tracksuit, shoved a homely freshman into a locker, and strutted away.

"Why does everybody hate me so much?"

"Nobody hates you Sam." Tina popped up unnoticed using what all people would assume were her ninja skills. "You just have a knack for getting involved with the wrong women for you. Besides, if you had been at this school as long as I have you would know that you just don't mess with or question Brittany and Santana. It is what it is. They're a package deal. You can't split them up." Tina then smiled in her mildly irritating perky fashion. Brittany was the queen of the sad panda face and Tina was the queen of the happy panda face. I wasn't sure which one I disliked more.

"But I know she likes me Tina. I really do."

"How?'

"She flirts with me like all the time. It's nonstop."

"Sam, she flirts with everyone. She's Brittany. That's what she does."

"But it's different with me."

"How?"

"She's all touchy and smiley and sweet and…."

"Sam, she felt me up freshman year. Just out of nowhere. With zero explanation. And you know what? She doesn't even like me. In fact, I'm pretty sure she hates me."

"Wait…WHAT?"

"Yep, Rachel grabbed them too but that's a totally different story for a different time."

"Okay…" Sam ignored the Rachel story because…bleh. She was pretty much the only girl in school he had zero attraction to. Sam had never been one for needy girls and he thought she was really really needy, especially drunk. "So if she doesn't like you why would Brittany cop a feel?"

"I haven't gotten to the bottom of that one 100% but I often catch her staring at me like she wants to fry me in a wok…" Tina pondered deeply for a second. "I suspect that Brittany is one of the only women I know who can completely dislike a person and still want to have sex with them anyway. I've seen Brittany stare at Finns boobs for ages unsure of if she should be turned on or not even though she HATES him even more than she hates me. Just because she's nice to you and just because she might seem like she wouldn't mind seeing you naked doesn't mean she likes you at ALL."

"Hmm."

"Just be careful Samuel. You're dealing with something bigger than you know and we can't afford to lose anymore Glee club members…unless they are the newbie's. They all suck. I personally pray every night that that Miranda or Mindy or whatever the hell her name is with the sassy hat dies." Tina shrugged and gave him a 'I did my part' look before turning and walking down the hall only to catch up with Mike. Sam proceeded to stand there for a few seconds before he decided to head to the glee choir room. Whenever he needed advice Mr. Shue was always there for him like any mildly creepy possibly pedoy mentor would be. Maybe it was because he didn't have any life of his own but still, it was nice to know the guy cared. He felt like a second opinion; especially from an adult, could do him good.

_Tina had to be exaggerating right? Sure Santana has a temper. I did date her after all, I know the woman can be fiery and often with reason unlike Quinn who just has rich white girl problems. But she's also small and skinny and a girl. How much damage could she REALLY DO anyway? And yeah Brittany likes her I guess but she also likes guys. Maybe she likes us both?_

He made his way down the hall only to hear some very suspicious noises. By this point everyone had gone to class so it was just him and the hall monitor stoner Brett who was easily bribable with weed.

_Where is that noise coming from?_

"Why aren't you in class?"

"Oh um, hi Miss. Pillsbury I um…"

"What is going ON in there?" She pointed towards the Janitors closet.

"I don't know, I wondered the same." She put on a surgical glove and opened the door to find,

"HOLY SHIT!" I screamed.

"OH. MY. GOD." Sam spoke in a zombie like hypnotized manner.

"GIRLS?! AGAIN? You're adults now! You can't behave like this anymore. I even made you pamphlets about this!"

"OH. MY. GOD." Sam repeated in a state of complete stupor.

"Brittany please dislodge your face from her breast…and your fingers from her..."

"OH. MY. GOD."

"SHUT UP SAM!" All three women exclaimed. For his own safety Sam switched to simply mouthing 'oh my God' over and over again.

"Do you have any idea how long it takes me to sanitize an entire closet like this?"

"No, Miss Pillsbury." Brittany responded in her 'Am I gonna get in trouble?' voice. It was similar to her 'I've been a bad girl' voice but less sexy.

"Stay right here. I am going to come back and we are going to deal with this." She walked away in a prissy huff as I had come to expect from her. On the other side of the coin, Sam just stood there bright eyed. I glared at him before shutting the door again. Like any smart human, he continued standing there like the braindead oaf he was until Puck appeared beside him a few minutes later.

"Dude, what's up?" All Sam could do was point at the door so Puck opened it again to find…

"Shit, we forgot to lock it again!"

"Of course, the key is still in my boobs."

"We don't need the key to lock it Britt. Just press the knob."

"Is that what we're calling it now Santana? Knob pressing? Because I like it." She purred.

"Wanky...Wait, NO!...Well, maybe later. But no, I just mean you push on the handle and it locks. No key necessary."

"But, I needed it to get in?"

"Yeah but it…it doesn't matter Britt."

"Wow you guys are really lame these days. What happened to when you guys used to get in on in here and piss off Miss Pillsbury?"

"We just did that like two seconds ago."

"Brittany!"

"What?"

"Hot." Puck nodded and I gave him a 'fuck off' expression as a result.

"And YOU!" I pointed at Sam. "Why the FUCK did you rat us out?" Sausage lips only response was:

"Ummm…." Puck stood there grinning for a second at the whole situation while Sam progressively looked like he was slipping into a coma.

"Some things never ever change….So Sam, buddy, did you really twatswat these fine ladies?"

"Ummm…"

"OH and by the way, way to Snix her Santana."

"PUCK OUT!" I took his verbal douchebaggery as the perfect moment to slam the door shut and lock it. Puck's grin simply got doucheyer as it often was known to. He then felt it was imperative to multitask his douchery with patting Sam on the shoulder.

"Let Auntie Tana get her pussy dude. You gotta learn to not twatswat or cockblock others just because you have no game young Samuel. Read up on Bro code son. In fact…" He put his arm around Sam and led him down the hall away from our closet of lust. "I'll give you a cheap discount on tutoring. You come out and clean a few pools with me and I'll teach you not only how to have game with the MILFs, but I'll also teach you the fine art of not trying to sleep with women Santana wants to sleep with. The girls made of game dude, don't try to fuck with it. OH and by the way, Mercedes told me to give you this."

Sam opened the box whilst hearing various moans that sounded like 'Snix' and 'I love your armpits' repeating over and over in the background. What better soundtrack could one have while opening presents?

"It's a giftcard for a lifetime supply of chapstick!" Sam stated in wonderment. "I didn't even know this was possible!"

"Dude, fly your ass out to Cali with me and get that dime piece. She likes the shit out of you man and she is FINE."

"I know but…" He glanced at the closet again and heard suspicious slapping accompanied by 'Do it again! Baby, harder!' "I thought she liked me."

"Of course she does, everybody likes you. You're Sam. But you just don't have the surgically enhanced tits Lopez does. Deal with it bro. I have. Most ladies out there still wanna be all over this." He pointed to an area of his body I had ruled out junior year. "The only man that in theory that could be competition for Santana would be Finn cuz that boy needs a bra. But he's one of the only people Brittany actually hates so, none of us really has a shot with Brittany other than Santana...Or Mercedes maybe. Girl has a nice rack too. But anyway man, there's not a lot of things that are definite in the world but that Brittany and Santana are a twosome is one of them. They're hard to understand but it's best to just leave them on their super sexy planet and let them stay in their dripping wet vagina bliss without disturbing them. Most of us will never be privy to or have the chance to ever have the love that is right now; being expressed, in that closet. I saw it in a threesome once. It was a puckasaurus hardener bro." Puck then proceeded to stare off into space for a creepy amount of time obviously picturing events of the past.

"Okay…But…out of curiosity…you indicated that they've used the closet for these reasons before…" Puck did a hand motion as if to say 'go on.' "What happens when Miss. Pillsbury returns to clean or Mr. Kidney shows up when he's done with his shift?"

"Miss. Pillsbury will be completely grossed out when she finds out that they are at it again. And Mr. Kidney, Brittany regularly bribes him with vodka."

"How did you learn all this stuff Puck? I feel like I never really catch on to what is going on around here."

"Let's just say I've seen Santana's big gay closet but only one person ever really truly had entry to the area with the tightass expensive dresses. Don't feel bad. I mean sure, Brittany is better sex than you'll likely ever have but, I have my suspicions about Mercedes. That's a good woman; I always kinda wanted to have me some of that but the puckasaurus got nowhere near her. Don't throw away a good thing man. I've spent so much of my life trying to saw through chicks that I messed it up with the good ones. You've got a good one waiting. Don't get distracted by another girl that is deeply in love with the world's hottest lesbian. Besides...You'd never be able to keep up with Brittany anyway."

"What do people keep saying that?"

"You coming with me or not bro?"

He turned back to the closet. The hall was still completely desolate until the door opened to expose Brittany and myself looking very newly fucked. She adjusted my dress in a way that made my boobs even more apparent. She then proceeded to plant her face in them causing me to giggle furiously.

"BRITTANY!"

"I WANT TO MOTORYACHT THEM ALL DAY LONG."

"It's motorboat and Brittany look."

"Oh I'm looking ..." Her smile was deliciously dirty and made me feel fuzzy all over. "and a boat couldn't finish this voyage. Your tits are way too big, I need my yacht baby." I had to admit under just about any other circumstance that would have caused my razor blade print panties to drop no question but there were people watching and that displeased me.

"BRITTANY!" I pushed her away from my ample bosom and then turned her head so she could see Sam looking squeamish and Puck looking very happy with the view. I made a mental sticky note to slap both of them upside the head.

"OH hi guys." Brittany said in her typically bubbly fashion as if we hadn't all just been introduced to her extremely effective face to boob grazing technique.

"What the hell are you guys STILL doing here?" I readjusted my dress so it was only rated R.

"What were you gals doing in that closet all this time?" Puck's eyebrows went up and down at a rapid pace.

"I guess you guys are the first we can tell..." Brittany gave me a loving expression before turning back to them and exclaiming "We're back together!"

"DUDETTES! That's awesome!" Puck proceeded to enrapture us in a bear hug. Sam just stood there and looked even stupider and out of place than normal. "Way to fuck some sense into her Brittany."

"HEY!" I shoved him away. Behind me Brittany simply gave him one of her signature winks.

"Hey Sam, come here." Brittany waved him over and he awkwardly followed her directions. "Mercedes called while we were in the closet. She then bitched me out about having my eye on you. You should call her don't you think? She's hot. I would if I were you. Chocolate is delicious."

"I already offered to take him back with me to LA to see her...So what do you say?" Sam looked between Brittany and I and saw how much effort it was for the two of us to not just go at it in the middle of the hall.

_Maybe Brittany is speaking the truth and maybe I should give it another chance with Mercedes. She's a strong powerful dominating woman. She's everything I like isn't she? And Brittany is a few of the things I want sometimes but she's everything Santana loves all the time. I want someone who is everything I love too. And Brittany is right, chocolate is delicious. Especially hot coco. _His huge mouth formed a ludicrously large smile that took up 3/4 of his face.

"LA," He shook Pucks hand. "Here I come."

* * *

Reviews cause me oodles of happiness. They make me feel like Santana did when she found out that there's a restaurant in California is called "Snix Snax Cafe & Catering" :D


	4. Just Let It Happen

Now that I had Santana go all Lima heights in the last one shot I feel able to move on to a completely different less angry one. Okay, she still has her moments of going to that 'Yelling Place' but for totally different reasons. *GRINS* Some people are just so them that there are no words for them. Brittany is one of those people. But the question is, what kind of person is Santana?

* * *

**Chapter 4: Just Let it Happen**

"I like you." I turned my head to the side and upon doing so, a female figure infiltrated my line of sight. I quickly realized that this being was the new girl who had started school a week late for unknown reasons. Her name, which my brain had decided to retain without my consent, was Brittany. This person who had a popstars name but spelled traditionally, for some reason thought it was a brilliant idea to stand a mere foot away from me. Painfully giddy new girl smiled a blinding brightass smile at me that would make the sun say 'Homes, tone it the fuck down.' For yet another reason I was entirely unfamiliar with, I couldn't find it within myself to tell her to 'Shove it back up your ass!' or go into a tangent explaining the twenty or so reasons why people from Lima Heights Adjacent just don't say or listen to mushy crap like 'I like you'. Before I had a chance to respond to her evil war tactic of using perkiness to try and defeat my typical morning gloom, she found it imperative to continue speaking. "Do you like me?" She was really direct and it was a completely new thing to me. Nobody ever talked directly to me except for maybe Quinn, but Quinn and I were frenemies. It was different….But one thing I was absolutely sure of was that Brittany's questions were no less strategic than Quinn's. Just in a different way, for a different reason, that I couldn't quite pinpoint.

"Umm…" Her hand made its way to my forearm and she stroked it slowly which caused me immense confusion and mild shock. My eyes found the place she had invaded and looked back up at her questioningly. All she did was smile back warmly and state:

"I'll make you like me too." And then she was gone as soon as she came and somehow she had managed to baffle me faster than her departure.

**-The next day—**

I found myself in the library because it was that special time of year again. It was the ever festive and forever mandatory 'Maim the losers in the yearbook' day according to the concentration of evil known as my cheer coach Sue Sylvester. As I made my way over to the appropriate area of the library to find the books I had been summoned to deface, a voice stopped me.

"You want to share?" I turned around to find a large stack of them beside a sitting Brittany.

"Umm…"

"It'll be fun! I've got glitter pens!" And something in me melted and I did that thing I had banned ever doing at school back in fourth grade. I immediately hid it and for some reason my head nodded before my brain had even made a decision on her offer; which was very odd for me. Typically, I would go over the terms of the deal before agreeing to something so risky. She could have been annoying and my lack of thorough investigation left me vulnerable to irritation which left her vulnerable to possibly getting slapped upside the head by the wrath of Snix before we even completed our required yearbook vandalism. Because of my strangely out of character impulse behavior, I found myself sitting beside her at the table wondering how the hell I got there. We ended up adding a couple rice paddy hats and glitter farts to various freshmen before she spoke again. "You have a pretty smile."

"Uh, thanks I guess?" She smirked to herself. Whatever grounds she felt deemed such a public display of smugness acceptable were beyond me.

"You should show it more often."

"Naw, I can't do that. That's not me."

"Happiness isn't you?" Nobody ever had the ovaries in my life to question me so bluntly before and if they did, typically I would cut a bitch for doing so. But instead of pulling out a razorblade and slicing into her; I just found myself sitting there with my mouth hanging open. "You don't have to be so strong all the time you know." She then proceeded to draw a huge horn on lady Hummel's forehead.

"Nice work." I nodded towards her handiwork. She gave me yet another smirk but this times its intention was clear. The message I received was: 'We're not done with this topic but I'll let it go for now.' I wasn't sure why I could read it so well at the time but soon I would find that out.

"He's a unicorn so he should have one."

"Okay…." She was perplexing as shit. Typically I hated and dejected things I couldn't understand right away but I found myself just pondering in her presence. Mostly wondering why I was still sitting there with her without experiencing any overwhelming urge to leave.

"You want to come over after practice?"

"Come over, as in hang out at your house?"

"Yeah, it would be fun."

"Why?

"Why not?"

"Is everything that simple for you?"

"Is everything so complicated to you?"

"No." I stated defensively.

"Then come over…may I?" She pointed to my phone. Somehow she saw a yes in my eyes and picked it up. She typed on it for a bit, placed it in front of me, got up, and then glided her hand across my back as she walked away in a manner I could only call self assured. I picked up the phone and looked through it only to find a new contact named 'Britt-Britt.'

**-Later that day at cheer practice-**

"What are you planning?"

"Huh?" I looked up while stretching to find Quinn Queen bee wannabe Fabray staring at me suspiciously.

"You know what."

"No I don't, how about you enlighten me as to why you're so paranoid, Purity Ball." I continued my hamstring stretch as her stare quickly turned into a glare.

"Why are you befriending Brittany?"

"Who says I'm befriending Brittany?"

"Brittany."

"I don't even know the girl."

"But you're going over to her house."

"How do you know that?'

"Brittany." I rolled my eyes for what already felt like the billionth time that day and I hadn't even gone over to my Abuela's house to feed her dog while having to listen to her bitch at Maria from her favorite telenovela for sleeping with Rico instead of Enrique because he killed Maria's brother Diego who's gay and slept with Rico when Rico was drunk because he's bicurious when he drinks and Rico killed Diego because Diego knows the secrets of the mansion he inherited from his and Maria's wise old Abuelo Jorge who still haunts the house to this day. "Furthermore, Santana you know that I have eyes and ears everywhere. I would have found out anyway, even if she wasn't telling everyone, which she is. She even told hot pants Tanaka…As you so grotesquely insist upon calling him."

"Says the girl who created an entire Rachel Berry porn trilogy on the third stall in the girl's bathroom." I couldn't stand Quinn most of the time but Michelangelo had nothing on that masterpiece. "And why is she telling everyone anyway?" I questioned mainly to myself. I made it a personal goal of mine to ignore Quinn at least 126% of the time when she was in my presence; which sadly was all too often.

"Supposedly, she likes you which I can't possibly imagine to be the truth because nobody actually LIKES Satan."

"Maybe she isn't as fearful of God as you are churchy." Her hands found her hips as she concocted the bitchiest pose in her arsenal. It was relatively impressive to those that lacked talent in standing bitchily but obviously it was no match for even a basic Snix stance.

"I'm watching you Santana Lopez. This is my squad and I will not have you messing with this girl. She's really good and we need her so don't screw up."

"Screw up what?"

"You know what." NO, I DIDN'T.

"What are you TALKING about? You're making about as much sense as your big boobed gassy double stuffed boyfriend."

"You're just jealous that I'm dating the most popular guy in school when you're stuck with the biggest jerk on the planet who only wants you because you're a slut." Next thing I knew I was shoving her and she was shoving me back and then we were on the ground exchanging punches. A bullhorn sounded courtesy of a voice finding it absolutely vital to yell the following loud enough for all of Ohio to hear:

"TEENAGE HERPES HERD! DISBAND IMMEDIATELY!" But we still didn't stop, that is until I was pulled off of her by outrageously strong arms. I was seeing red while yelling at this foreign being to get off of me but whoever this was was not detoured by my verbal assault and therefore decided to carry me over their shoulder all the way into the cheer looker room.

"PUT ME DOWN!" My feet hit the floor and I immediately turned around to kick the ass of whoever thought it was okay to just remove me from the field as if I were some sort of weightless ragdoll.

"I don't like violence Santana." It was…I like you girl.

"Well, I don't like bitches and she was being a fucking bitch. I am THE only bitch around these parts and it's gonna STAY that way. Now if you will excuse me, the razor blades in my hair and her face needs to make friends." I went to walk around her but she put her hand on my chest to stop me. "What the **HELL** do you think your doing?"

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to leave."

"I don't give two shits what you think! Now, get out of my way."

"No." NO? NO. She said no. Nobody had ever said NO to me before.

"**NO?!**" I gave her a 'Are you shitting with me?' face which was followed by a 'Do you have a death wish?' expression. They typically were very effective but Brittany wasn't exactly the typical person.

"I don't want to see you get in trouble and end up on the bottom of the pyramid. So no, I won't get out of your way."

"I'll do what I WANT and you know what else hands are not for hurting chick? This bullshit is YOUR fault anyway so get the hell outs of Auntie Tana's way so she can plant her foot up Quinn Fabray's flat ass."

"Huh? How is this my fault?" I rolled my eyes. She was cutting down on my ass kicking time and I didn't appreciate it at all.

"If you MUST know, she came over to me asking what I was doing with you and treating me like I was going to scare you off the team so yes, this is YOUR fault and if you would have just kept your mouth shut I wouldn't have the fucking pious bumble bee questioning my motives."

"But… I was just excited to hang out." She pouted, it was unreasonably heart breaking but I tried to ignore it…which was basically impossible.

"Yeah well, whatever Brittany."

"Can we talk about it more tonight?"

"Tonight? You really think I'm still coming over?"

"Of course, you want to."

"I want to? You think I want to?"

"Yeah, we both do Santana." I sighed in the most exasperated fashion I had in a long time. I found myself doing something I rarely do. I asked a question that actually mattered.

"Why on earth do you want to be my friend Brittany?"

"Because I am your friend, Santana." How was everything so simple to her? I flat out couldn't fathom it. She just gave me this smile that made me smile and I couldn't control it and it scared the shit out of me. "Just let it happen." She grabbed my hand and interlinked our pinky fingers. "Just let it happen."

**-Two weeks later-**

Brittany and I had gotten way closer ridiculously fast. We were literally attached at the hip. We did EVERYTHING together and everyone but Brittany was confused by it. Quinn had pretty much decided to leave it alone which I didn't understand until Brittany told me that she had 'handled' it. I didn't know what that meant and typically I would make it my mission to figure out what she told her but for some reason I felt fine leaving it alone and just letting myself enjoy the fact that stuck up captain holy water was finally off my back.

"They make you so happy, don't they?"

"What?"

"Breadsticks." I glanced back down at the warm heavenly treat and smirked.

"They're delicious." I shrugged to play down my intense primal love for breadsticks and the establishment of Breadstix as a whole.

"You're cute."

"What?"

"I said you're cute." The grin on her face was massive and adorable and possibly the most genuine thing I had ever seen.

"Brittany," I gave her a warning expression.

"Santana," She copied my face to a T and it was hilarious. I shook my head and then proceeded to explain to her what I felt the truth of the situation was.

"I'm hot, that's my job. To look hot. I'm not, nor have I ever been, cute."

"You're right, you are like super hot but you're also really really cute."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"I'm from Lima Heights Adjacent."

"SO?"

"I'm a badass."

"That's really cute." I glared as a response but her face failed to falter a millimeter. Finally I sighed and asked,

"Why do you keep telling me that?"

"Because you didn't know and I think you should know that you're cute."

"But for what REASON Brittany?"

"Because it's a good thing and I think…I think you should let people compliment you for your good qualities. I think you should let people see the soft side of you. The human side. It's a good side. You should embrace it."

"There is no soft side of me. I'm Santana Head Bitch in Charge Lopez." She gave me a soft smile while looking me up and down in a way that made me feel like I was completely exposed.

"Santana, if that's who you think you need to be to the team and school then that's okay and I understand but, I'm your friend and I don't want you to feel like you need to hide from me."

"Hide from you?"

"Yeah."

"I don't have ANYTHING TO HIDE."

"Then why are you trying to cover up your cuteness?"

"I can't cover up cuteness that doesn't exist! There's nothing to cover up!"

"You're right, there's nothing to cover up around me. I like you. I like you a lot and I want to know more about you."

"BUT **WHY **BRITTANY?!" She gave me a sad look that wasn't quite pity. It was something else. It was remorse that I felt the why I did.

"Because Santana, you're worth knowing." I just sat there with my mouth hanging open for an unusual amount of time before she stuck a breadstick in there and we both started giggling. Soon I found myself chewing and staring at her shamelessly. She bored into me with impassioned yet oddly soft eyes in return. A safety and acceptance was found in them. It was weird because it didn't feel weird. It felt comfortable and tender and…

"This is how it's supposed to be." And I didn't fully know what I meant by that statement but it fell out of my mouth anyway. Anybody else would have wondered what I meant and questioned me but she simply nodded while giving me the sweetest smile I had ever seen. I felt my heart speed up and my face flush. Her smile turned into a grin as a result. "Why does it feel that way?" She looked down and closed her mouth and then looked me back in the eye while fiddling with her hands.

"Because you like me too."

**-That Friday-**

"FUCK YOU PUCKERMAN! FUCK YOU AND THE SAW YOU SHOVED INTO HER VAGINA!" I could hear Brittany giggling while sitting on my bed. I gave her a disapproving stare and she mouthed back a sorry. "And you think that is a FUCKING excuse for FUCKING QUINN of all people?! No, I KNOW you are fucking Quinn. I don't care that I dumped you because of your dreadful credit score, you can't just move on to QUINN. There is a whole school of girls and you pick the ONE that is unacceptable. What do you mean I would act this way no matter who you slept with? I am NOT territorial!" Brittany could once again be heard giggling in the background. I mouthed her a 'What's so funny?' She simply shrugged while smirking. "You know what? Shove it up your ass because you are NEVER going to see mine again!" I hung up with a huff.

"That was hot." My bitch smirk expanded into an evil grin after her comment.

"Now he knows what he's missing." My hands found their way to my hips. The room was quiet for a rather long amount of time so I finally directed my eyes over to Brittany's location. I followed her line of vision only to find that her eyes were definitely on my ass. I stood there testing out how long she would leave them there. I soon realized I was going to have to say something to let her know she had been caught because I was going to get osteoporosis before she stopped bluntly staring. I cleared my throat and her eyes sprung back up to mine. The strange thing about her was that she didn't blush or display any signs of embarrassment at all. She didn't deny it or make an excuse. Nothing. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to say. As if she could sense all of that she spoke up.

"Are we still going to Pucks party tonight?"

"Of course, I have to go and show that I have moved the hell on."

Soon I would find out just how much I truly had moved on.

**-Pucks Party-**

The following things had happened: I had told off Rachel for existing, I had almost gotten into another fight with Quinn which was totally not my fault at all because she's an angry drunk who started it, I danced with a few guys that had no rhythm but were great for my image, and then somehow found myself it Puck's kitchen with Brittany.

"Dance with me."

"I think I've had enough dancing for one night Britt." She wrapped her arms around my waist as I scavenged though Pucks fridge looking for more booze. One thing I had noted recently was that she was perhaps the most touchy feely person I had ever met. In accordance with that discovery, her lips found my ear as she whispered,

"There is never enough dancing." My whole body reacted by shivering.

"Well, you are pretty amazing at it so I see why you think that." I could feel her grin. She was incredible. She had danced with Mike Chang for a while and it was the most natural display of confidence, sexuality, and most of all sensuality I had ever seen. She shined on the dancefloor. Brittany was easily the most enchanting thing I had ever seen and I really didn't know what to make of that. Hence me looking for more booze.

"Well then, we should go out there and be amazing together." Her hands found their way to my hips which resulted in me getting rather lightheaded. "You know you want to Santana." Before I had a chance to say anything, she grabbed my hand and led the way out of the kitchen and onto the makeshift dancefloor. Upon arrival, I started swaying to the beat in a way one could only describe as graceless and dorky. "I don't have cooties, you know."

"What?"

"You're so far away. Lord Tubbington has cooties which I'm looking for a medical solution for," I couldn't stop the grin that possessed my face. "But I don't have them, I promise." I took a few steps closer to her which made her decide it was a brilliant idea to grab me by the hips, turn me around, and basically push my ass into her front. That was new and so was the feeling happening in the pit of my stomach. Soon we became one being as she led the way. I saw the stares and a few pathetically sized boners as she ground into my ass. I was starting to get the impression that she liked my butt a lot and while my brain didn't know how to feel about it, my body was reacting to it like it completely understood and liked the attention. When the song turned to a slow one and I found my arms wrapped around her neck and my head on her shoulder I knew this was something I had never envisioned would ever be. But as if to read my mind she whispered in my ear,

"Just let it happen Santana."

When we found ourselves in Pucks guest room I knew that the definition of 'it' was rapidly changing. Especially when my body ended up being pinned up against the door. Soon after her lips connected with mine in what would turn out to be the most indefinable and definable moment of my life. All of the thoughts and rationalizations and worries floated away along with my tightass dress as it was tossed into the air. She carried me over to the bed and unzipped her own skirt in the most agonizingly slow fashion I'd ever seen. I definitely considered myself a tease but Brittany took it to another level. She finally removed it and played with the hem of her purple silk top that clung in all the right places, however I quickly decided I would prefer it when it was clinging to the floor instead. Her inability to remove her top in a timely fashion finally became too much. So, I grabbed it myself and removed it for her. It seems I had passed a test I did not know I was taking because before I could register it we were making out heavily on the bed and my hand had found her ass and hers had found my tits and the whole thing was going so fast and I started to panic as her fingers slid down my stomach and my muscles there involuntarily clenched and I began to shake and sweat and pant and….

"Are you okay?"

"I…I…"

"Just tell me what you're feeling right now." I felt like I couldn't breathe. "Just tell me what you are feeling."

"I…" I pushed her off of me and I fumbled my way back into my dress. "I gotta go."

"Santana, please don't be like this."

"BE LIKE WHAT?!" I sharply responded. Her face sunk and she looked down. I stood there for a second before her voice came out small and hurt.

"You're closing yourself off to me again."

"Well, look what happens when I open myself up." I spat out, walked out of the room and slammed the door behind me. I tried to put on the best bitch face I could and proceeded to strut my way out of the house. The second I was in my car I curled up in a ball and started crying profusely. It was the Oprah ugly cry and I couldn't stop it. I just sat there as all my confused emotions washed over me but the second I saw her stride out the front door determinedly I started my car and drove away as she ran down the driveway after me screaming my name. I couldn't do it. I couldn't face her. But more importantly, I couldn't face myself.

**-Sunday Morning-**

I hadn't seen or called Brittany at all since Pucks party in an effort to eradicate what had happened from my mind. But it had the opposite effect. All I could think about was being that intimate with Brittany and how natural it felt. It scared me, it shocked me, and it was everything I didn't know I wanted but considering the vivid wet dream I had had the night after the party about Brittany taking me on a pool table…It seems she was everything my body knew it wanted. I didn't understand it and I didn't know how I had gotten to this point. I had always been with guys. I was definitely experienced with them but going all the way with a guy didn't give me a sixteenth of what I felt with Brittany simply kissing me. When she was half naked on top of me stroking my body in a way that it had never been touched before, it caused me to feel something I knew they say you're supposed to feel but up until that moment I had never felt. No love scene I had ever seen in a movie seemed even remotely realistic until Puck's party. And it still wasn't realistic because typically in the movies nobody runs away before the good part. Nobodies feelings become too much and end up twatswatting themselves…Well, at least not in the movies I watched or as of the night after our make out, the love scenes I dreamed.

I wanted to deny all this. I wanted to cram it down. I wanted to stop feeling but more than anything I wanted, no NEEDED, to talk to my best friend. It's hard when you need to talk to your friend but your friend is part of the issue. It was necessary for me to understand her side of things before I could even remotely address mine. So regardless of how scared and confused I was, I found myself on her doorstep. It was my first time going over to her house and I had wished it could have been under better circumstances. We always ended up at my place because my house was always empty. My parents both worked a lot and I didn't have any siblings so it was the prime place to hangout and keep our doings on the low. Being me, I had to keep my reputation on the up and up. Therefore, nobody could know that I helped Brittany croshay a sweater with a fairy on it or that we may or may not have watched Aladdin while she made various questionable comments about both Aladdin and Jasmine, made some wishes she would not tell me the nature of, and then mysteriously fell asleep with her face planted in my boobs only to say that one of her wishes had come true upon waking up a few hours later. Because of the obvious top secret, on a need to know basis nature of our various activities; my house was the perfect destination to indulge in them…Which meant things needed to stay very very low key at the Pierce household. I knocked on the door which soon opened to reveal a very tall blond man with eyes Brittany obviously had inherited.

"Hello, how can I help you?" Wow, that accent was heavy. He was completely understandable but it was like talking to my abuela on my mom's side who was straight from the Dominican republic. As a child I always did impressions of her on the playground to make friends which led me to learn early that you can survive many difficult things relatively unscathed by criticizing others. Besides, my constant impressions served Granny right anyway. She called me garbage face once you know.

"Oh ummm…I was hoping to see Brittany." I fidgeted in a way that screamed I had zero to negative confidence. The tall man simply smiled and opened the door further.

"Brittany is at Motocross practice but she will be back soon. I'm sure she would love to find a friend waiting for her when she arrives."

"Oh okay, but I don't want to impose. I'm sure you're having Sunday brea…"

"Nonsense, come in." He ushered me into the house and led me into the kitchen where Brittany's mom sat at the table. Her father went over to the stove and continued cooking something I couldn't recognize.

"Hi! You must be Santana!" And my ears were inundated with the same accent as before but it was the female version; which in this case, was slightly less intense.

"Yeah, that's me. How did you know that?"

"Brittany has described you before. We're so happy she has made a friend. We worried about her transferring schools; especially switching countries. But, you've really helped her find her way." _Wait…WHAT?_

"Brittany's last school was in a different COUNTRY?" Both parents nodded slowly and looked at each other surprised that I didn't know that information.

"Yes, our family is from Rotterdam." Well, that explained a lot. Like why their welcome mat said 'Kom Binnen' on it.

"May I ask why she doesn't have the same accent as you guys?"

"She was born here and we lived here until she was nine so she learned English and Dutch at the same time. Then we moved back to Rotterdam but two months ago moved back here again because of my work. There are a lot of cultural differences and we worried Brittany would have a hard time because she really had taken to the more free spirited ways back home but she says she likes it here. I know it helped her transition a lot that she was quickly able to make a friend in you." Brittany's mom supplied with a warm smile that looked all too familiar.

"WOW." Was all I could think to say.

"Sit down, have breakfast with us."

"Thank you but again, I don't want to impose."

"We insist!"

**-Twenty minutes later-**

That group of blond people opened my palette up to a whole new world of food experiences that's for sure. One of the things called 'vlokken' was pretty great. Besides, any excuse to have chocolate in the morning has always been a good one in my book. Being around Brittany's family was really an eye opening adventure. It explained so much about her. They were all so engaging and inviting. Brittany's sister looked like a mini Brittany and was absolutely hilarious. The girl had a lot of spunk and we instantly got along. You would think I would feel weird being around her family without her being there but strangely enough, I didn't. It didn't get even close to odd until Brittany showed up in her pink and blue leather Motocross jacket that said 'Pierce' across the back, matching pants, and a pink sparkly helmet that had a unicorn on the side in hand. She looked GOOD and I had noticed and she had noticed that I had noticed and then I was blushing while trying to hide my face behind a slice of suikerbrood.

"You have a guest Brittany!" Brittany's seven year old sister Becky chirped. "She's awesome!" And I ended up blushing even more which I thought was impossible. You know it's hard for a blush to be visible with my skin tone but somehow I managed it.

"You're right." Brittany leaned against the doorway. "She is awesome."

**-After breakfast-**

Brittany had sat down and we had all eaten together and it was such a delightful experience that by the time I ended up in Brittany's room I had almost forgotten the original reason I had come over to her house in the first place.

"Your family is amazing Britt. Me and my mom and dad never eat together like that. My Dad wouldn't even know how to make toast." Brittany giggled and took off her motocross jacket revealing a wonderfully hugging pink t-shirt that had '1 ¾' printed on the back.

"My dad's a chef. My mom says it's one of the reasons she started dating him. Well, that and that he had a great butt I guess." Brittany then shrugged. I scrunched my nose at the TMI and she chuckled at my behavior.

"Your parents are one of those strange couples that have been married for ages and still love each other huh?" I expected her to laugh but all I got was a smile that would look saccharine sweet on anyone else but looked perfect on her. The thing I got from it besides that she had amazingly straight teeth, was that we were soon going to be talking about something else entirely….or that maybe we already were.

"They do, they never stopped. They're very supportive and listen to each other and share their feelings with each other all the time. My mom says the last one is why they've lasted so long…Well that and again, my dads ass."

"OH MY GOD." I couldn't stop laughing in horror. She giggled again and sat insanely close to me on her bed.

"She talks to her girlfriends back in Rotterdam about his assets….or as she calls them his," She proceed to say something in Dutch I obviously couldn't understand but thought sounded hot because well…it was and she said it which made it hot. "but she says it's hard to find women here that spend as much time talking about those topics with each other openly. I hope she finds a friend here like I have." I couldn't help but smile as she gave me a wink.

"What does that even mean? The dutch part that is."

"Hot buyant ass."

"Oh God." Brittany shrugged and deadpaned.

"Can't help it if my moms a playa." And I couldn't take it anymore. I laid back on her bed and started laughing hysterically. It was like all the tension I had felt since Puck's party had officially completely vanished and everything was ontbijtkoek and blond hair and…fun.

"How come you never told me your families Dutch?"

"How come you never told me you speak Spanish?"

"Hey hey now, I'm asking the questions here."

"Oh really?" And wow were we flirting. It didn't hit me until that moment that I actually had never genuinely flirted with a guy before. It always had to do with what I was going to get out of the situation. But with Brittany it just happened naturally.

"Yes really," I smirked. "Come on, tell me why."

"We just never got to it I guess. I was more interested in learning more about you than sharing about myself. I'm still more interested." Her hand brushed a few stray hairs out of my face. "Now answer my question please."

"You don't speak Spanish so why would you know?"

"You don't know that. Until today you didn't know I speak Dutch."

"I also didn't know you and your sister have Dutch rap karaoke battles on Thursdays."

"The streets of Rotterdam are rough." I snorted out laughter.

"Stop saying stuff like that!" I playfully hit her. She laid on her side beside me and grinned in a way that made me melt just a little bit more.

"Why? I like your smile, you know that. And I really like doing things to make it happen more often." I just stared at her bewildered because, were humans really made in her model? She was a complete one of a kind, I was sure of it.

"You're so forthcoming."

"You don't get what you want if you don't say what you want." Was I gonna say what I wanted? No, no I wasn't.

"And what do you want?" She bit her lip and wow it was hot. I had no idea such a small thing could be so attractive.

"You." My breath hitched and my body flushed and my hand immediately did that thing it does when I'm nervous; which is to go through my hair about nine billion times. I couldn't speak. I was seriously paralyzed. "And what do you want Santana?" And there was the question. It was a question I didn't feel qualified to answer but I felt I had to respond the right way to anyway. Even though I didn't know what that way was. I was truly overwhelmed by how thoughtful and honest and sweet she was and therefore I couldn't bring myself to be stupid Santana and just blurt out some rude thoughtless shit. She seemed to pick up on my internal struggle and commented, "There's no wrong answer. Just tell me how you feel. In this moment, how do you feel?" And we were back to feelings; back to that conversation about why her parents worked that was really about us. I just didn't get it. I didn't get anything. I didn't understand and it frightened the shit out of me.

"I want to understand. I just want to understand." Her long fingers caressed my cheek and she husked,

"Let me help you." Nobody had ever wanted to help me before in my life. Nobody had ever wanted or cared to see me succeed and so in that moment; for the first time in my life, I let myself concede. I let her have all of me. Every inch, every feeling, every fear, everything. And she handled it all with grace and something I had never known. Love.

She made love to every square inch of my body. To my brain, to my heart, and to my soul and when I woke up in her arms hours later I had never felt so at home in my life. Typically after sex I would jump out of bed and leave to get my walk of shame over with. There was no shame here. There was no regret. But most of all, there was no going back. I really cared about her. I cared about this connection that we had. I wasn't ready to name it, that would take me a while but I was ready to experience it and I was ready for her to help me every step of the way.

"You've done that before." I remarked. We both knew what I was talking about. I was clearly the only person in the room who had never had sex with a girl. She simply smiled in a cheeky fashion and kissed the top of my head while stroking my hair. It took everything within me not to purr. My arm became even tighter around her stomach that had the kind of abdominal muscles I had only seen photoshopped in magazines. "Are you…?"

"Am I what honey?" Swooned at the pet name. I thought to myself that I could really get used to this intimacy. I struggled for a second though because I knew if I asked the question then it would give her permission to ask it back. I wasn't ready for that yet. Not only emotionally but I honestly didn't have any idea how to answer that question at that point. "Santana." I continued staring off into space while having about twenty different conversations in my head. "Santana, don't be afraid okay? I just want to hear you ask."

"Why?"

"Because you want to know but more than that, you need to know. That's who you are."

"Who am I?" I had hoped maybe she could solve the mystery.

"You're a person that needs a lot of certainty and definition. So you need to know the answer to your question to feel comfortable and I really want you to feel comfortable so please, just ask."

"Are…" I gulped. "Brittany, are you gay?"

"Was that so hard?"

"YES!" She grinned and leaned down for a kiss on my lips that was feather soft. Brittany then kissed the tip of my nose and ran a hand through my hair that was currently done up in the 'newly fucked' style via our sex.

"I'm attracted to people. It doesn't have to do with gender. I like boys and I like girls. But right now I have my sights set on one really," She booped my nose. "Special girl." I giggled. She was literally the only person on the planet that could make me giggle. I had hoped to God she wouldn't tell anybody. "She's smart, and cute, and so pretty it hurts my eyes and when she doesn't even know it she does the sexiest things that make me lie awake and think about her."

"She sounds like a catch."

"She is but she doesn't really know it, and I want her to know it. I want her to believe me when I tell her."

"I think she knows you like her though."

"Really, she's told you?"

"I may or may not know some exclusive information."

"And how could I get this information out of you?"

"There are ways…certain bribes." My index finger trailed in the valley between her breasts. "That could be offered."

"Well then, I'm going to have to decline."

"And why is that?"

"Because I only want her."

"Well, aren't you noble?" She grinned and did a ridiculous pose as if she were some sort of Knight.

"Unlike you, she knows that at the right times that trait goes out the window."

"And what times are those?"

"I can tell you no more because you are not the woman of my dreams."

"Burn Knight Pierce, Burn. I'm attractive too you know! You'd be LUCKY to have me!" She laughed and her hand found the small of my back. "Can I ask you another question?"

"You can ask me anything." And her eyes told me that she meant it.

"Do…do your parents know?"

"Well, you weren't very quiet soo…"

"Brittany!" I slapped her arm.

"What?" No but really, I wasn't very quiet. My exit from the Pierce household was sure to be an interesting one.

"Seriously, do they know that you like girls?"

"Yep."

"And…"

"And?"

"How do they…"

"Feel about it?"

"Yeah."

"They're fine with it. And I know they liked you from the second you strutted in this morning and turned on all that Lima Heights charm." I blushed for the billionth time that day.

"And I like you talking about Lima heights. It's hot." It was the first time I told her she was attractive to me and it felt really good. The moment was not missed by Brittany as she kissed my cheek in appreciation of not only the comment, but my willingness to open up to her.

"You know what else is hot?" Her fingers lowered even further.

"Considering your hand placement, I'd say my ass."

"I can't help it, Pierce's are ass people." I giggled again as she flipped us over so she was on top of me.

"Pierces are also very horny."

"That's because we manage to find a way to surround ourselves with very beautiful people." She started kissing down my neck with slow wet kisses that made my body hum all over again.

"Is that so?"

"Mmmmhmmm." She hummed into my collarbone and just as her mouth was going to suck my nipple this travesty happened:

"SANNY AND BRITT!" Brittany's little sister could be heard yelling on the other side of the luckily locked door. "MOM AND DAD SAY TO STOP HAVING A GYMNASTICS TOURNAMENT AND COME DOWN FOR DINNER!" We both stared at each other wide eyed before we both started laughing hysterically. I never thought I'd have a girl laughing in my tits but here I was. "DAD MADE BOERENKOOLSTAMPPOT!"

"We'll be down in a bit Bec!"

"OH MY GOD THIS IS SO EMBARRISING!" I covered my face with my hands. She pulled them away and kissed my forehead in surely what had to be the most delicate fashion possible.

"I told you you weren't quiet."

"Ha Ha Ha. Nether were you."

"You're hot. I had to tell you about it." Brittany had a lot of game. Way more game and boobs than I was used to. There were a lot more sets of boobs in this sex than I was used to that's for sure. We got up and started dressing. Brittany decided to change into sweats and a tank top which somehow looked really hot on her. "Keep looking at me like that and we'll never get downstairs." I walked over to her and for the first time made the first move. I kissed her long and slow. Our velvety tongues found each other's and the sensation was simply blissful. "That's not the first time you've done that."

"You're right. I tried kissing girls out with this really beautiful blonde girl with bright blues eyes one time."

"She sounds hot."

"She is, she's also adorable and smart and witty in a way that so few can understand, but I do."

"You do?"

"Yeah I do, and she also has this awesome family and a huge fat cat whose entire diet must consist of lard."

"I've told you he's self conscious about his weight."

"What are you guys DOING in THERE?!" Was belted from the other side of the door in a male voice. Then a bunch of Dutch was heard at a similar volume. As a result of whatever the hell was said, Brittany's ears turned pink.

"We'll be down in a few minutes! I promise!"

"Okay because in addition to Boerenkoolstamppot, I also made your favorite, Griesmeelpudding!"

"Awesome! We'll be right down!" I heard steps move away from the door.

"What did he say?" Brittany turned a deep shade of red.

"Well I don't agree with him so it doesn't matter." Her ears got redder but her smile became more devilish. How she could go from adorable to sexpot in mere seconds was beyond me.

"Come on, just tell me." She stepped behind me and wrapped her arms around my stomach. "He said I better quit because my hand has been up your pussy so long it's gonna get stuck in there." I nearly chocked.

"Oh really?" My voice came out uncharacteristically high. She nodded her head on my shoulder. "I think later, after I've devoured all this food you Dutch people seem to think is dinner but is really dessert," I could feel her grinning. "I think I'll have to invite you to my house so you can have all night to test out his theory... In the name of science of course."

"Of course." She kissed my temple, interlocked our hands, and pulled me towards the door.

"Wait." She turned not letting go of my hands. "Just one more thing." She nodded as if to say proceed.

"What does it mean?"

"What?" I pointed from her to myself and repeated the motion.

"What does it mean?" She softened and stepped closer to me.

"It means the very thing I said to you at your locker at the beginning of this year." I perked an eyebrow.

"Which was?"

"I like you." I bit my lip.

"And what if it becomes…"

"More?"

"Yeah."

"Then…" She gave me the sweetest kiss on the lips, "We'll just let it happen."

* * *

Well, that's the sappiest thing I've ever written LOLOL! *uses excess sap to make maple syrup to put on my suikerbrood* I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I feel about reviews like Brittany feels about Griesmeelpudding. It's awesome and I'd love to get another helping, if offered. :D


	5. The Birds and the Bees

Thanks for reading, reviewing, following, and all that delicious jazz! *Loves jazz as much as Cliff Huxtable* So it took me for freaking ever but I've finally posted a new chapter! YAY! Santana and Brittany have a great relationship, but there's one little hiccup. Can either of them hold their breath long enough to make it go away?

* * *

**Chapter 5: The Birds and the Bees**

"Soo…Guess who I was thinking about all day at work today?" She perked an eyebrow at me in a way that let me know she knew who I was talking about but was going to play along anyway, which I appreciated. I'm a big fan of playing and that was a fact she knew very well but I intended on reminding her of anyway.

"Who?" I leaned against our bedroom doorframe.

"You."

"Oh really?" She expounded in fake surprise.

"Mmmhmm." I stepped into our room and closed the door behind me.

"And…What exactly did these thoughts entail?" She sat down on our bed and supported her laidback posture via her hands. She was casual but very much on alert. I like her when she's alert but I also like her when she has that sedated 'Take me immediately before I explode from horniness' face, but we would get to that.

"Well, you know that black pencil skirt you have?"

"The one that just barely covers my ass?" I gave her a smirk because she's cute and hot and well yeah, there are a lot of things I love about her but her ass has always been high on the list. It makes a good pillow and is useful for other fun things. If you don't get what I'm hinting at, I'm talking about sex. Oh, you picked up on that? Well, good. I like when people listen to me. Often they tune out. Not her though. She always listens.

"That would be the one. And then you had this really tight leather jacket on that had a zipper that only went up to your cleavage…Daydream you said it couldn't go any higher and then you asked me to help you get it unstuck."

"Is that so?" The pretty lady on our bed asked coyly.

"Oh, it is very much so." I nodded as if I were giving her some basic information about something non sex related like dryer lint removal or you know, Joe Hart.

"So, did you help me out?"

"It would've been impolite not to, so of course I did. I don't like to see a woman in distress – as you know."

"I do happen to be familiar with that side of you, yes." Her voice lowered. "What happened next?" Her eyebrows went up and down suggestively. Either that or she was trying to subdue an itch in the middle of her forehead without using her hands, but I like my first theory better.

"Well…I got it unstuck and started zipping it up but you stopped my hand and directed it the other direction." Even in my daydreams I don't like to be assumptious. What do you mean you don't understand? I've never heard of the word presumptuous but whatever you say. The point is that I would never assume that just because she's got her boobs in plain view or that her binding over would lead to me being able to see her baby shoot, that she wants me to touch or stick my hand in either of those things….And that's why I do so well with women. They say I have game. Which, obviously I do. I have Monopoly, Shoots and Ladders, Sorry, and Clue all sitting in a drawer in our home just waiting to be used. "It went something like this." I unzipped my own jacket and dropped it on the floor carelessly.

"I'm sure I appreciated that."

"Oh, you did. You said I was very helpful but that if I could find it in the kindness of my heart and if it wouldn't be too much trouble, that there were a few other things I could help you out with. If I had the time, of course."

"Did you happen to have the time?" I crawled on top of her and pushed her down with conviction.

"I always have time for both you and daydream you."

"Even in the middle of a busy work day at the Lima Times?"

"I could be in the middle of interviewing President Glenn Close and I'd still make time for you." The hot woman lying below me gave me a soft smile and wow she truly got prettier every day. In that moment, I swore it was something I would never get used to and I have a feeling I was right.

"Did you tell her that?"

"No, because I had more important things to tend to."

"So there ARE more important things than daydream Santana?"

"I can't believe you would ever think that, real life Santana!" I wiggled my index finger in front of her face disapprovingly, she smirked back at me. "The things that were more important had to do with her."

"And what were those things? If I may ask of course."

"They're better shown than spoken about."

"Not to take more time from your busy day but would you be able to take a moment to show me?"

"Now now," My hands slipped her dress straps off her shoulders. "I think you are worth more than just a moment of my time, don't you think?"

"I would agree."

"I love a confident woman."

"You do."

"And I love you, now don't I? Everything is starting to make sense." Her grin took over her face and I melted like fondue does in the pot when I set it on medium. However, when I set it on high it burns and I think she found my dial because all my fun places downstairs were all tingly. My mouth found hers and her dress became super friendly with our bearskin rug on the floor. I'm pretty sure her entire wardrobe has at least gotten acquainted with our floor which I think is nice, you know? It's important that everyone in the house gets to know each other well so we can all get along. I nipped at her neck which created a mark that she would have to cover up before work tomorrow, while my hand roughly grabbed her boob. I could tell because I had been with her for oodles of awesome years and because her nipples were already hard and totally ready to poke through her bra that she was in the mood for something that was…Well, Santana calls herself a 'closet freak', which I agree with her on because she's spent a lot of time doing various things in closets. And because our walk in one has flannel wallpaper which I think is kinda freaky but I don't say anything about it because sometimes I get to take her on the couch in it. So, whatever makes her happy, right? I've found that's the key to a happy marriage, that and separate toilets.

I pulled her lacey underwear down her legs with my teeth while looking her lustfully in the eyes. Being the thoughtful person she's always been, she lifted her butt to help me and then spread her legs in a way that told me to fuck her now. Or welcome home. Maybe both? Something to do with being home and sex. I like both of those things, so I was happy and a little wet and so was she. Okay, she was a lot wet.

"Britt, please, it's been a while." She wasn't lying. Sure, we used to make sweet lady babies as often as Lord Tubbington used to mount Charity before his thyroid problem kicked in making him a pillow queen and thus turning off Charity since she likes an agile energetic man when fornicating in plain view in the middle of our living room on top of the coffee table that he was no longer able to hop on top of. But at this point in our lives, we'd been so busy and had had so many responsibilities that we had very little time to get it on. And when we did, it was almost always a quickie. I like quickies but sometimes it's fun to have your face down there so long you think you might pass out or need to invest in some scuba gear. "Please, I need you so bad right now, Britt. So, so bad." Her hand was on the back of my head not so subtlety letting me know what she wanted and I was willing to give in because she's her and she's hot and even when I'm mad at her I still find her boiling hot... But I had different plans because we were **NOT** going to have a quickie that night. I refused. Therefore, I flipped her over and she yelped at the suddenness of it.

"You're going to get exactly what you need and more because when I was thinking about you today," I got up off the bed and she started to lifted herself up to see what I was doing. "Don't move." She obediently relaxed back on the mattress with her face in our pillows. "You were so excited to please me. Are you excited to please me baby?"

"Y-yeah." Santana gulped. She knew I was going to turn on dominant Pierce and she loved it so much she could've screamed from pleasure before I even touched her. San never really knew how to speak about or even process her feelings on me taking control but she has always admitted (which I think is sexy) that she loves it when I'm a little rough. Or a lot rough. Its never failed to make her sopping wet…which would explain the state of our sheets during this point in time.

"Santana, you're going to follow my every order this evening, aren't you?"

"Yes, Brittany."

"That's Miss. Pierce to you."

"Sorry Miss. Pierce."

"Better. Now Santana, Don't look." I took a few seconds to pull a few things out of our 'Wanky Time' box. I also grabbed a completely different kind of box out of our mini fridge as well. Santana had a thing for having a fun sized fridge in our room because she couldn't be bothered to go downstairs in the middle of the night to get food. Also, because we've always had a mutual love of whipped cream tits.

After I had gotten the items I wanted, I crawled on the bed and rubbed my hands up her ass and down her legs at a really teasingly slow pace. I made sure to appreciate every inch of incredibly smooth tan skin. She turned her head to the side but kept her eyes shut as she bit her lip in an effort not to beg. "Your self control pleases me. It makes me want to reward you. Would you like your reward?"

"Yes, please Miss. Pierce." I unexpectedly but lightly bit her right ass cheek. She yelped but remained wordless. I gave the now red area a nice long wet kiss.

"You're so hot, I think you should cool off." I put the cold item in my mouth and invaded the hottest area of her body.

"HOLY SHIT!" I pushed the ice cub further out of my mouth, which led to her body grinding into me as she got used to the drastic temperature change. I stilled her hips, sat up, and gave her a warning.

"You are to stay still while I fuck you, do you hear me?" She clinched her pillow for dear life and nodded. After letting her lay there for a few seconds, the throbbing between her legs was starting to become too much and her willpower to keep her legs separated was dwindling. "Keep them spread Santana, you have to always be ready for me, even when I'm making you wait. You need to prove to me that you can control yourself." I slapped her ass and the moan she evoked was so desperate I almost folded. Almost. "Rewards can be taken away at any time if you don't follow orders. What will you do now to inspire me to reward you again?" She groaned because she was on the brink of dying from an aching core.

"Cooperate with everything you say."

"That's right." I dug my nails into the very area I had just slapped and she hissed. "So you are going to wait patiently because things that are worthwhile are worth waiting for."

When I was sure she was going to keep her pussy nice and exposed for me, I returned to her heat and began my ice cube penetration. She panted and squirmed and moaned and squeaked almost all simultaneously as the cube went in and out of her. And after her heat had melted it, I lapped up the resulting liquid and then moved my mouth to her amazingly hard nub, which elicited one of the most delicious gasps I had ever heard. I took a few more cubes and rubbed them over her backside and legs as I licked and sucked her sensitivity. But as I expected, her hips started to betray her again so I stilled them with significantly more force than last time.

"Don't make me punish you, Santana."

"I'm so sorry Miss. Pierce. I'm trying so hard to be good. Please forgive me."

"I'm not sure you can be trusted or that I should believe that your apology is sincere." I got up and flipped her over once again so she was facing me. "See, you're looking at me again. What have I told you about keeping your eyes shut? This disappoints me and I'm afraid you're going to have to make it up to me."

"And how am I-" I slapped my hand over her mouth.

"No more talking from you." I spread her legs as far apart as possible and tied her feet to the bed posts. I caught her peaking at my handiwork and gave her an irritated expression, she shivered in response. "You don't want to be able to walk tomorrow, do you?" She gulped. "Daydream Santana had a hard time following orders as well." I cuffed her right hand to the bed. "And do you know what her disobedience made me have to do to her?" She shook her head in a trance. "Well-" I began as I removed my pinstriped pants and black silk thong. "I shoved her under my desk and then-" I moved to the other side of the bed and cuffed her left hand after I removed my bra. "I gave her a view of this." I put one foot beside her head and spread myself so she had a full view of my engorged core. "And I made her inhale my arousal." I now sat right above her face. Santana took the hint and inhaled deeply through her nose. "And just before I made her please me, my boss walked in wanting to know how my first draft on corruption at petting zoos was going. So you know what I did?" She shook her head again while panting uncontrollably. "I made her give me oral anyway." I dropped myself onto her mouth. "Don't kiss it Santana, eat it." As soon as she followed my directions I hummed in approval because she was always so fucking amazing at this. Speaking became much harder but I powered through. "Because even though she was to be punished-" I panted. "I would never let her starve." I lifted myself off of her. "You appreciate that I feed you, right?" She nodded vehemently and I returned to sitting on her face. The sitting soon turned into grinding as I pushed her to her limit before finally giving her air. "And you know my boss kept talking and talking about petting zoo infrastructure as your delicious puffy top lip was petting my clit under my desk." I only gave her a few gasps before returning to my actions until I bit my lip because I was starting to feel myself come close. "I exploded in your mouth." She moaned in approval. "And I'm gonna do it-" And I shivered in delight as the word 'again' came out of my mouth. My hips jerked wildly as my juices went in-between her amazing lips and cascaded down her chin. My grinding slowed down as I caught my breath and put my hand through my sex hair. I then lifted myself just enough to coat my fingers with what had missed her mouth and made her suck them as we both hummed in approval. "And you were unable to stifle your sounds of pleasure and guess what happened next?" I pulled my fingers out with a pop. "I was fired."

"YOU WERE FIRED?!" And it was the last voice I wanted to hear during our dirty dirty sex game.

"YOU DIDN'T LOCK THE DOOR?!" She hissed in surprise and horror.

"I DID!" I whisper shouted. "GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM HONEY!"

"BUT MOM-"

"LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!" We both replied in unison.

**-Ten minutes later-**

"I can NOT believe he saw our sex."

"No Brit, he didn't just see our sex. He saw our kinky super filthy roleplay sex."

"And it was only about to get kinkier."

"Not helping."

"Sorry."

"How did he even get in if you locked the door?"

"If I remember right, he learned a certain credit card trick from his Abuelo Esteban that the old dude called and I quote 'his magic trick for the holidays'." I gave her a disapproving look.

"Britts, that IS magic in the Heights. All the wonders of the world can be unlocked with just one credit card!" I rolled my eyes at her 'I'm from the streets' logic. "Besides, don't you think you should have locked his door too?"

"Of course not! What if he had to PEE? He has bladder control issues still and you know it! Besides, this is NOT anyone's fault. It just happened and now we have to just find some way to fix it."

"Just find a way to FIX it? Brittany, it's not only that! We have to find a way PREVENT it too! I don't know about you but I still and always will want to have sex with my beautiful gorgeous sexy wife BUT, I don't want to scar our son for life in the process."

"You're overacting, I'm sure we didn't SCAR him."

"We were naked and I was tied and handcuffed to the bed while you sat above my face with your come soaked fingers in my mouth while saying in a seductively low voice that you were fired. That's some fucking confusing shit for a six year old, Britts." I put my hands over my face because even I was confused. This situation was as bewildering as that time Lord Tubbington had a pregnancy scare and we had to put him on the pill.

"Okay, Tana, I don't know what we're gonna do for the future but we have to find a fix for what just happened first. Can we agree on that?"

"Yes, yes we can. Because I will be damned if the boy goes to school today blabbing about what he just saw."

"He wouldn't do that."

"Oh really? Wouldn't you if you saw your parents doing that at six?"

"He's six and a quarter San, it's different." I could feel her eyes rolling beside me.

**-The next morning at 8 am-**

We had laid awake all night silently thinking but the more the gerbil in Santana's head ran on its spinny wheel thingy the more paranoid she became. By the time it was morning, she was at meltdown stage 3…which is the one just before going all Lima Heights.

"We should have talked to him more before he went back to bed." She announced as I dressed for work. And here it started. The Lopez run around. Haven't experienced it? You're in for a treat…Well, not sweets, we're out of those. I should go to the store.

"Santana, if we did we would have ONLY made it worse! What could we have said? Mom loves Mami's tits?" Santana hit me on the shoulder. "OWWW! Stop the violence!"

"This is serious! I mean what if I was right and he does go around talking about it at school? You know what? I think we should maybe keep him at home today or take him in late and explain the whole thing. What do you think?"

"The teacher in this family wants to hold back our child's education because he saw his parents do suspicious things in bed?" I raised an eyebrow, my wife sighed.

"I teach Spanish Britt, not ethics." I rolled my eyes and smirked because even when she was freaked out she was so so cute. Frustrating as hell, but cute.

"Well, what should we do then? He's too young to give 'THE TALK'…."

"Thank GOD!" Santana stared into space and shivered at the thought of giving 'THE TALK'.

"If you really want to talk to him now I say we don't make it a lecture or some big thing. And you know, just for the record, we're going to have to give him 'THE TALK' at some point down the road." She groaned unsexily. That's not a word? Well, I'll just add the definition to the Britannica dictionary. It has Brit in it, I should have those powers. What do you mean that's not true and that it's an encyclopedia, not a dictionary? You're just as difficult to talk to as Santana sometimes.

"Nope, I say we stick with the stork story forever."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure that's gonna work once he hits puberty!"

"I don't want to think of my SON doing such things, okay? His dick should only come out of his pants when he has to pee." I ignored the wanky come joke my wife had unwillingly made because she was so on edge and couldn't handle it and I'm sensitive like that.

"What about his personal hygiene? We don't want him to turn into Finn, San. I don't want the martians to be able to smell my sons balls on the moon while they are trying to enjoy a nice hunk of 80 million year old aged cheese."

"So there might be a few exceptions…but we're getting off topic." Damn it, I had hoped I had distracted her.

"Honey," I placed my hands on her shoulders and saw the stress noticeable drain from her body. "I'm sure he doesn't want to think about his parents doing naked or vaginal things either but I'm sure he is starting to think more and more about it because of what he saw, as much as none of us want to think about that."

"Let's just talk to him after school, okay?" And she changes her mind…

"Now you want to premeditate?!

"I think you mean procrastinate. And no that's not it, it's just maybe…I DON'T KNOW BRITT!" She threw her hands in the air. She knew, she just didn't want to admit that maybe I was right about waiting to talk about it until we were less manic. You caught that 'we' meant her, right? Good, I thought maybe you thought I was talking about that sound people make on amusement rides.

"We can't have him going to school talking to everyone about what his two mommies were doing last night. BUT, we also can't keep him from school just because he saw us together." I folded my arms and stared at Santana knowingly.

"FINE! If you know so much, what do YOU want to tell the kid?" I chose to ignore the attitude.

"I don't know, but I think we might be both partially right, we're just on two opposite extremes which sounds about right for us." I chuckled which she tried to reciprocate but failed at. "But like I said earlier, I don't think we should make a big hoopla out of it. We don't want him to think it was a big deal but we also want him to know that it's not the type of information that should leave this house."

"Tell that to the dressing room door you banged me up against that one time at Pedo Schuester's vest outlet emporium shop place. Because I think it's of no surprise to anyone that information about our sexual prowess is likely going to leave our house once again."

"Santana," I huffed partially because she was annoying me and secondly because the memories of our changing booth sex were hot and I knew that deep down that part of why she was bringing it up was because she was still left hanging from the night before.

"What? Don't you think it's better not to say anything than to say something wrong?"

"San, we needed some time to cool down last night so I think we were right not to say anything right away but now, after thinking over what you said earlier, I do think we do need to thoughtfully cover the matter with him in a brief collected way." Wow was our conversation going in trapezoids or what? I warned you about the Lopez run around. Luckily with a backside like that, she keeps you inspired to keep chasing. "But you're also right, we sadly don't have the answers right now. I really don't want to screw this up and if we tell him after school we will have had some more time to think about it and cool down. He couldn't have been there that long anyway, right? He couldn't have seen THAT much. It's not like he saw Kirstie Alley doing David Hasselhoff up the butt with Sex bomb playing in the background."

"Brittany?"

"Yes, honey?"

"I have a lot of… interesting interests and I'll be the first one to admit that but I'm never going to forgive you for putting that HEINOUS mental picture into my brain. Ever."

"AWWWW," I smirked and pecked her on the cheek. "You're welcome dearest."

**-Four hours later at the Kool kids section of the Playground-**

"So, one of my mommy's was on top of my other mommy. Have you heard of that happening before? Do you know why it happened? Because I can't figure it out." Little Carlos Pierce-Lopez pondered deeply to his usual recess possy aka Arthur.

"You have TWO MOMMIES?" Our little man shrugged. Had his friend completely missed the point?

"Yeah, I do..." He scratched his curly haired head and blinked his green eyes in confusion. "Don't you?"

"No, I have one mommy and one daddy." The other little boy responded as if to say 'duh'.

"Really? I know Debbie over there only has a daddy."

"Weird!"

"I know right? But dude, you're kinda weird too! I mean, who has both a mom AND a dad?" Carlos was totally freaked out by this whole 'Parents that aren't both the same gender thing'. Later we had a talk with him about it. "Do they ever do that weird on top of the other one red faces thing?"

"I once saw them both naked."

"That's how my mommies were TOO!"

"But my mom told me that would never happen again because my dad now has a beer gut. I don't know what that means though…."

The little guys felt like they were on to something. The mystery was slowly unraveling. All he could think of was...WHY? Why the red faces? The sweatiness? Why was light haired mommy on top of dark haired mommy? And why did we have our no-no parts exposed? He didn't get it. We always made HIM wear pajamas. He liked his Cincinnati Bengals football set very much but if he had to wear them then why did WE get to sleep naked? There was some sort of injustice here and a couple of plot holes and he was going to figure them out if it was the last thing he did. Well, he'd take his turn on the swing set first but then, back to the investigation.

**-In the car waiting for school to be out-**

"Stop fidgeting San!"

"I CAN'T HELP IT!"

"Obviously, waiting all day to speak to him about it really has helped our confidence in talking about this situation."

"Britt, I just don't want to fuck the boy up! I KNEW this parenting thing wasn't for me! I'm only good at doing things incorrectly! How can I be expected to do something RIGHT after years of being a full tilt screw up?" I huffed because I was starting to get freaked out too but she had seriously been texting and calling me about it all day. There was nothing either of us could do except go about our day and hope we could find the solution together when the time was right. This was our first child! We didn't have the answers so we just had to try our best! I sighed because I had to be the one to stay calm if we were ever going to fix this problem. Even after being together forever, Santana and feelings often added up to be a volcanic disaster that destroyed the villages around it.

"Just think of it this way, this has to happen to parents all the time, right? So there must be a well known answer for this out there somewhere…Maybe on Giggle?"

"I think you mean Google."

"What the hell is a Google?" I scrunched my face in confusion.

"Yeah," She thought for a second. "Yeah, you're right!"

"I know, it has to be called Giggle."

"No no, not that Britts." She shook her head feverishly. "I mean about that this isn't a new problem. Why didn't I think of that? You're a GENIUS!" Because you were too busy flipping the hell out? "And people have been dealing with this for centuries, I guess. In fact, how about I call my Mom? Maybe she'll have some useful advice." I wasn't so sure about this plan and I typically liked Santana plans. Especially when they had to do with naked scavenger hunts. But at that time I really wasn't thinking about such fun activities because my entire day had been polluted with the thought that would not leave my mind which was: 'MY SON SAW ME DOMINATING MY WIFE AND SAID WIFE IS LOSING HER SHIT BECAUSE OF IT'. My vagina had never been dryer.

"Did you ever walk in on your parents?"

"Nope, my mom was single my whole childhood."

"Then are you sure it's a good idea to ask her? She wouldn't really have much experience with this then, right?" I treaded lightly because my wildly hot wife was known to be a little touchy…and not always in the fun way. Often she was touchy like a bear trap….and by bear trap I don't mean that super fun gay club downtown.

"She's old Britt. Old people know stuff. They're wise."

"No, they're senile and old fashioned. And we both know which one your mom is."

"What is THAT supposed to mean?" Her beautiful deep brown eyes cut right through me. I resorted to my trademark shrug. She then rolled her eyes in a way I had only seen about nine billion times over the course of our marriage. "You just don't like my mom and don't want to have to thank her for her sure to be good advice." Santana then flicked her luscious hair in a divaish fashion like she likes to do when she feels she's already won an argument. She's so pretty, but kind of an ass sometimes. Luckily, I like asses a lot.

"You have no proof that I feel that way. None at all. This is the USA and you can not accuse me of anything until proven guilty. It says so in the Second Amendment."

"One, you were born in the Netherlands and two, the second amendment is the right to bear arms."

"But I'm a naturalized American citizen and we're married so I have dual citizenship now AND I love the right to bear arms; especially when you wear one of those super hot tight dresses. Which amendment is the right to bear tits?" She chortled and shook her head before getting us back on subject.

"Britt, you mumble about how much you dislike my mom in your sleep."

"Ugh, I just don't think it's appropriate to inform your mother who has never been found to support our relationship about our earth-shattering sex, okay? We're adults now; we're even on the damn PTA. I'm trying to pretend to be a responsible adult here when I really just want to play with the toy I found in our Froot Loops today with our son. And she's on to that. She thinks I never grew up and treats me like a little dumb clueless child." I crossed my arms and looked out the car window despairingly. Even though I couldn't see her, I could feel the energy shift in Santana's mustang. She sighed when her hand comfortingly squeezed my shoulder.

"I think she's pretty aware that we have sex Britt...Maybe not to the degree of its earth-shatteringness, but I'm sure she assumes we have it….besides, we have a son to prove it." I couldn't help but smirk. It softened into a smile after I felt her soft hand stroke my forearm a few times before she added, "And it's adorable when you two play with the cereal box toy together."

"You think?"

"I know." She winked at me and then added a grin.

I love my wife.

**-Five minutes later, still waiting for school to be out-**

"What do you mean you assumed we didn't really have sex anymore? Why on earth would you think that? What do mean couples that have been together this long rarely bone? Since when did you start calling it BONING? Yeah, it does kinda freak me out a little that you call it that. I mean you're my mother. No, I don't expect you to just sit around all day cleaning the house and baking cookies. I just don't expect you to refer to it as boning. No, calling it getting dicked doesn't help either! I'm a bit too gay for that description of heterosexual intercourse thank you very much. Could we please get back to talking about Carlos? What do you mean I'm overreacting? Will people stop SAYING THAT?! This may have scarred him! What do you mean not to get my panties in a bunch? They are NOT BUNCHED! I'm just fucking concerned for my kid Mom! Sorry, I'll try not to curse. We did lock the door! He picked the lock! How? He learned that trick from your ex-husband! Don't blame me! I haven't picked a lock since junior high. No, I never taught Britt. No, she never picked the lock to my room Mom. Okay, maybe she picked the lock to our house once when we were in high school. No, I wasn't lying to you! Yes, I know I'm not too old to spank." She rolled her eyes for the nine billionth and first time and I giggled because I knew very well that she wasn't too old to spank. Santana hit me on the shoulder as if she knew what I was thinking. "MOM! Listen, you asked about my room and she never picked the lock on my door. If I didn't teach her how, how did she know how to pick locks? Because she used to have some interesting friends back in Amster-" I elbowed her as if to say 'SHUT UP!' "Anyway, Britt just knows okay? And that's so not even the point. No, she will not teach you! Ask dad if you want to know so bad. Yes, I know you wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole anymore, I know. I really didn't need to know such detailed information about his anatomy, Mom. Again, too gay and too much your child for that info and why do you keep getting off subject? You're supposed to be filled with wisdom on things like this! You're an ABUELA! Help me out here! No, I don't think he'll believe we were doing gymnastics."

"Just hang up on the crazy, Santana!"

"That was just Britt telling me to tell you hello." I glared at San because I said no such thing and I don't like lies. Santana told me once that she just tries to be really honest with people when she thinks that they suck and I've lived by that motto ever since. Maribel sucked and I wasn't afraid to say it. I'm only afraid of one thing and that's math. "No, she hasn't changed her hair. Why would she change her hair? It looks nice. I don't care if you don't like it...What do you mean can I hold? What is more important than your daughter calling for advice? What do you mean you've got a hot date tonight? Hello? HELLO?" I gave her a 'I told you so' expression.

"Wipe that look off your face. It was a good idea with a shitty result."

"Sure baby, sure." I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her against me. "I still say you should have gone with Giggle." She groaned in exasperation for some unknown reason.

**-In the first grade class room-**

"Oh my parents used to do that on top of each other thing but I only saw it with clothes on the couch once...but they ended up getting a divorce." Vinny answered.

"What's a divorce?"

"It's when your parents live in different places and you have to celebrate holidays at both houses so you're never all together. I like it, I get more presents."

"Don't you miss them being together?"

"Not really, they just fought like your parents. That naked part confuses me though."

"Maybe it means they had a more intense fight?"

"Maybe so Carlos, maybe so. I say get ready for a divorce buddy." He patted our son on the back a little too roughly.

"But I don't want them to split up! I like us all together!" Vinny shrugged.

"It's not about you. It's about them. At least that's what my parents said. Wanna play four square?" Carlos nodded sadly.

**-Back in the car-**

"We should have gotten a babysitter and gone to a hotel or something."

"San, we can't go out every time we want to have a little...or a lot of fun. That's ridiculous! We have to take care of our relationship. It's in his best interest that we do."

"I want to believe you but I just can't right now."

"We have to look out for ourselves because doing that looks out for him and he is the most important thing in both of our lives without question." We were both silent for a second."…Even though you lost him in a toy store."

"THAT WAS TWO YEARS AGO WOMAN! And it only happened ONCE! And he was dressed in all red hanging out by the Elmo's in Toys R' Us. Anybody could have gotten confused!" I rolled my eyes and smirked. She was so fun to pick on.

"Listen, I love you and love your concern and think you are an AMAZING mother but honey, I know you hate the word but you are totally overreacting and you know it. Here's what I think should happen. We should go in there and pick up our son, get some of that awesome rainbow sherbet with sprinkles, drive him home, and then explain what happened in the least sexual way possible. That's it. We don't have the answers yet but we have to just try our best, okay?"

"Yeah…but with that being said, I still vote for the stork."

"We've raised a smart son, he's gonna know that's bullshit." We got out of the car and I interlinked our fingers on the way inside the building.

"Well, better to know bullshit then to know why your parents were moaning like that."

"Oh please, no mention of our sex, I've never had a lower libido in my life."

"Says the woman who wasn't left hanging." She chuckled like it was funny but didn't really think it was. I felt for her; I really did, because it's one of those weird times when you know your priorities should be somewhere else but you can't help but think about sex.

"Having to cross your legs to relieve the built up tension, honey?"

"Shut up." I gave her a 'I'll make it up to you' smirk which made her cute chipmunk cheeks burn.

"So you're up for having a talk with him then?"

"Even though I'm still scared, I trust us to handle it adequately together." I gave her a peck on the cheek before we arrived outside his classroom.

**-Back at the house-**

"Why are you crying little buddy?" I asked concerned. Santana gave me a face as if to say 'BECAUSE WE SCARRED HIM FOREVER! HOTEL NEXT TIME! HOTEL!'

"I just want to celebrate holidays with both of you." He blew his nose in one of the lotion Kleenex's Santana insisted we spend the extra money on. Both Santana and I had giant what the fuck expressions planted on our faces as a result of his statement.

"When they come around next time we will." I informed. "But why do you think we won't celebrate the holidays together? We always do and we're always gonna." Santana had already bought him one of those big hot wheels deals she had always wanted as a kid. She even had ten inch chrome rims made custom for it.

"Because you were fighting!?" Our WTF expressions became even bigger. Santana and I rarely had big fights and if we did, we ALWAYS kept them away from him. What on EARTH was he talking about?

"When?" I questioned cautiously.

"Last night."

"WHAT?!" I spit out.

"Britt, can I see you in our bedroom for a minute?"

"But San, he thinks..."

"BRITTANY!" She started sharply. "BEDROOM! PLEASE! **NOW!**"

After locking the door and putting a door stop behind it…and a chair for extra measure, Santana jumped up and down enthusiastically like a crazy person. I was starting to think the stress of us getting caught had gone to her head.

"Umm….Are you okay?"

"YOU DON'T SEE IT?! This is TOTALLY our out! OUR OUT I TELL YOU!" She proceeded to do an air fist pump that resembled the one Tom Cruise did on Oprah's couch when he was talking about how big of a dime piece he thought Katie Holmes was.

"What do you mean?"

"How are you so smart yet missing this?" I folded my arms and tapped my foot as if to say 'Explain it'. She took the hint.

"He thinks we were fighting...Soooo, let's just LET him think we were but that we quickly made up after that because we LOVE each other and ALWAYS WILL! PROBLEM SOLVED BRITTANY! Our problem is FUCKING SOLVED!" Santana was always one for mathematical black and blue answers. Wait…That's the title of an NSYNC CD, isn't it? Ugh, I had such a crush on both Justin and Britney and couldn't decide which one I was more jealous of growing up. I wrote about it on my twitter the other day with the hashtag #bisexualproblems.

"I don't feel good about lying to our son, Santana."

"And I don't feel good about him knowing I like your pussy in my mouth!" I rolled my eyes exaggeratedly. "Come on, it's the only non shit choice we have." And I sighed like Lord Tubbington after he finally gets the energy to take the long journey to his food bowl only to find out it's empty.

"FINE! But if he turns out to be completely untrusting of everything we say...It's ALL your fault! In fact, I blame you for everything from now on!"

"That's fine...as long as you...punish me." Lewd Snix eyebrow raising ensued here.

"Honey, still no libido, none at all." Seriously, I had never felt so turned off in my life. I mean I even tried to sleep with Santana when I had the chickenpox and she hadn't had them yet. It takes a lot for me not to want to have sex, especially when I have a woman around that is so amazing that I can't help but think about it four hundred hours a day. But somehow the great child fornication interruption of 2025 had done it. That and that Santana wouldn't stop talking about how we had destroyed our offspring forever.

"Then let's get this fixed shall we?" We walked hand in hand out to the couch. We then sat on either side of him and each grabbed one of his cute little hands.

"Honey, we would like to start off by saying that we are not getting divorced. Your mom and I love each other very very much and want to live together with you as long as possible."

"T-Then what happened?"

"Well, sometimes when parents love each other..."

By the end of the conversation Carlos seemed more like his old self and both of us felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of our shoulders. A few days later my libido came back when Santana busted out the leopard print lingerie and five inch pumps look. After locking the new deadbolt on our door, Santana was finally given her reward.

And yes, she walked very very funny the next day.

**-Thirty Years Later-**

"Mami?"

"Yes, son?"

"Umm...This is kinda embarrassing."

"What is it?"

"Brett caught Jessica and me...doing things."

"THINGS? What type of THINGS are we talking about?"

"Stuff a boy his age shouldn't see."

"Oh come on! You two should be more careful!"

"I know, I know! And Jess has been yelling at me all day for not locking his door." Fashionably gray haired me glared at my still black haired courtesy of hair dye hypocritical wife. Mother the sequel Santana as she insisted on being called, gave me a 'What? What did I do NOW?' look. I rolled my eyes at her grabbed the phone from her and put it on speaker.

"She's right." Santana replied, I glared more.

"It doesn't matter, the damage has been done. I called to ask if you or Mom knew how to fix this."

"Why do you think we could fix it?" My aged like wine companion questioned.

"Because you're old, old people are supposed to know stuff."

"Well, you can tell which vagina he came from." I commented only to be hit on the shoulder by my sexy lady friend of fifty years. "OWW! OSTEOPOROSIS SANTANA! OSTEOPOROSIS!" She simply scowled at me in the least committed way possible in response. "I'm not sure we can be of much help to you, I'm sorry honey."

"Wait wait!" San interjected as I rubbed my shoulder. "I have just the thing to fix this."

"Oh thank GOD!"

"Umm...Tana?"

"Not now Britts." I groaned because...you'll see.

"I knew you two wouldn't let me down!"

"Of course not, that's what parents are for. That and bailing you out of jail."

"That was ONE TIME!"

"See, he could have come from your vagina too miss breaks into my house at seventeen." Santana grinned at her own comment, proud of herself.

"Mom's, I'm on a time crunch here, so if you could just tell me..."

"Fine fine," My wife started. "Was one of you on top of the other?"

"Must you know that?"

"YES!"

"Okay, yeah. That was the situation."

"Okay then, just tell him you two were fighting."

"That's actually not a bad idea! Thanks Mami for the advi...HEY! WAIT A MINUTE?!"

* * *

*Still believes I was brought by the stork, looks up info on the stork on Giggle* Yay! Finally a Brittany POV. And yes finally fornication happened after a two chapter dry spell. Sure it may have ruined poor Carlos' little life but you know, you can't win 'em all! *giggles* Anyway, I appreciate reviews for the same reasons Carlos appreciates getting opinions from his buddies. Because they inspire him to figure out the next piece of the puzzle or in this case…chapter. :D

I'd also like to apologize to Nsync and Backstreet stans for that joke. I know it was HIGHLY offensive and early teens me would want to punch me in the face for jokingly confusing the two. XD


	6. Meet The Parents

First of all, no I did not die. I did get a really gross cold though and then became outrageously busy BUT here I am with a new chapter of Interruptions. And secondly, is there any scripted show on tv that is better at being shit than Glee? I guess it's true that everybody is the best at something! LOL

Santana finally got her shit together and made it official but there's a few more hoops to jump through. Are her jumping abilities like Michael Jordan or more like Bruce Vilanch?

* * *

**Chapter 6: Meet The Parents**

"I'm so fucking nervous that just a second ago I screamed at the Breadstix delivery guy for fifteen minutes about how his handlebar mustache was aggravating my severe anxiety and then demanded that he buy me a subscription for Xanax!" I paced back and forth at a speed that surprisingly didn't make a grove in my absurdly expensive stolen bear skin rug.

"Why?"

"Did you miss HANDLBAR MUSTACHE?"

"No no, I mean the nervous part. Why are you nervous?"

"I'm meeting her parents Wheezy! HER. PARENTS."

"That's it? Guuurl, you've met them a million times and you know better than anyone that they're just as crazy, welcoming, and batty as their offspring." I gave her a warning glare. Nobody calls Britts crazy or batty. The one with the questionable weave simply shrugged in resignation. "You ain't got nothin' to worry about. You've got this on lock ma."

"But do I Minnie?!" The girl with the car name perked an eyebrow and did a sassy head swivel that was clearly supposed to call attention to her disapproval of my new nickname for her. What? Girl could cook. It was a compliment. I didn't bitch her out when she called me Rosie Perez the day before. "BECAUSE before I was Santana FRIEND of Brittany, then Santana BEST FRIEND of Brittany, and now there is the word 'GIRL' attached to the word 'FRIEND' and it adds just a weeee bit of pressure to the whole situation. What if they don't like me? They could HATE me and ban me from their home!" Mercedes took a moment to give me her trademarked, copyrighted, and patented 'Bitch you done gone cray cray' expression.

"What in the damn hell are you going ON about? You know they already like you because they have just as bad of taste in people as their daughter does." I ignored her insult because I was becoming too jittery to actually come up with Snix level witty replies anymore.

"They liked me when they didn't know that my face has invaded their daughter's vagina on the regular for the past three years." Mercedes simply shook her head.

"You're being irrational even for you. It's going to be FINE girl."

"You've never met her dad though. He's like a big Dutch tree of muscle and super intimidating accent. Brittany's intimidating enough when she speaks in Dutch, let alone that dude…Do you happen to know if the US has okay relations with the Netherlands?" What? I didn't want to get into some weird political argument at the dinner table. Mercedes then gave me a look that said 'I'm gonna save you the embarrassment and just forget that you asked that hot mess of a question.' Later I would thank her for her discretion.

"I didn't know she even knew the language?"

"She only speaks it with her family or when she's really mad…or well…" I smirked. "There's another time." Kurt who had been sitting there silently reading a vintage copy of Vogue Paris made a gagging sound. Sadly, this caused visions of Blaine to enter my brain which I at that exact second decided to get Kurt back for in the not too distant future.

"You are Satan Santana, stop being intimated by a man who bought his daughter a Volkswagen bus with a unicorn painted on the side. The worst he's gonna do is throw some waffles at you….or is that Belgium?" Mercedes gave us this expression that screamed 'How have these fools managed to know absolutely nothing about other countries?'

"Kurt, you're asking the woman who thought James Earl Jones killed Martin Luther King Jr. Homegirl doesn't know the answer nor will she ever."

"You guys are NOT helping! I'm gonna sweat out my relaxer with all this stress." At the troubling thought of hair being ruined, both of my friends stood up straighter and made attempts to actually alleviate my nerves.

"Well," Mercedes started. "Does your fear have something to do with being a part of the reason her parents know that she's bi now?... Cause we all know how that went with your Grandma."

"Oh no no, her parents have known THAT for ages."

**-Many years ago when Brittany was in middle school-**

Brittany's mom was in her eldest child's very colorful bedroom picking up laundry, when she found the corner of a box sticking out from under said child's bed. She pulled the box out and peered suspiciously at the top of it, which had a label on it that read 'TOP SECRET'….Which of course would be the stealthily sneaky tactic any person in dire need of keeping their belongings private would use. Brittany's mom, finding the whole situation rather odd, decided to open the box. The contents were not exactly what she expected to say the least.

"OH MY GOD, KLAAS!" She yelled in her native tongue.

A few minutes later Brittany's dad ran in the room wondering what the big deal was.

"LOOK AT ALL THIS!" She shoved the box in his face.

"A DVD of antiperspirant commercials and a vibrator? What the hell is this?"

"What are you guys doing?" Both of the parents turned to find their daughter giving them a disappointed look.

"Oh I don't know? Just standing here looking at a magazine that has a man with no pants on, a shirt that has a picture of Richard Nixon printed on it, and is so cleverly entitled 'DICKS' that my fourteen year old daughter has hidden under her bed. Seriously Brittany, what do you have to say for yourself?" Brittany's only response was to shrug. "And this one…AMERICAN BREAST ENTHUSIAST?" More shrugging. "What does this all MEAN BRITTANY?"

"Ummm." They continued to stare at her questioningly. "Umm…well…It's just that…."

"What?"

"I like boobs and dick."

Both parents slapped their foreheads.

**-Present time-**

"Well…" Kurt started. "That's slightly less dramatic than how you came out."

"You mean how I was thrown out, by your big boobed brother."

"His breasts are only an a-cup now after his doctor recommended bosom reduction and yes he's a moron that I can't believe I ever had a crush on now but let's get back to the fact that you have no reason to be scared of this parental situation because nobody in this room can stomach the thought of Finns chest for a second more." We all nodded in unison. "You've been through a lot of stuff Santana and have become an even more fierce fabulous and strong woman because of it. If you can deal with all the things you've gone through, you can easily deal with meeting the parents. There's nothing to worry about. They know you're the biggest bitch this side of Ryan Murphy yet they've still liked you all these years. You're gonna be fine."

"I appreciate your attempt but I really do have everything to worry about. Everything is different now and I somehow have to make them comfortable with knowing that I'm the one with their daughter instead of like…Artie."

"If it makes you feel any better, they can't be any worse than Blaine's parents aka the dad who thinks I'm too girly for their son even though he still wants him to date a girl and the mom who Blaine inherited his eyebrows from."

"Yeesh." Mercedes replied.

"Her face is even worse than you think." We all shivered simultaneously. "Now, Miss. Lopez. Let's pick out a dress for you that says 'I'm a respectable choice for your beautiful daughter'."

**-Five hours later outside Brittany's parents house-**

_Okay, be polite, don't curse, don't stare at Brittany's boobs…or her moms…Does this dress show too much cleavage? No, it's Kurt approved to not cause parental distress but to also be just tight enough to not cause suspicion that I am trying too hard to impress them. Don't make out with Britt in front of her parents and make sure to make fun of her sister's boyfriend. That should be the whole list._

I checked off everything on the checklist I had made. What? I like to be prepared okay? You have no idea how long I prepared that speech in front of our lockers when I told her I just wanted to be with her. I don't like going off plan. When I go off plan I often say something stupid and fuck it up and I couldn't risk fucking this up. These were Brittany's parents. I had to be charming. I had to make them think I was a suitable choice for their amazingly perfect gorgeous daughter. Or…at least make them think I wasn't an offensively bad one.

_Okay Santana, just breathe. Remember what Aretha and George Michael said. There is nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about. Just don't be a bitch. Repeat. Don't be a bitch._

I knocked on the door and fidgeted like the spastic wonder I was. After my body spasmed without my consent, I proceeded to hold on to the bouquet of ridiculously overpriced priced flowers I had purchased for dear life while I sweated it out on their doorstep. It goes without saying that I had never looked more confident in my life. Right when I was starting to feel like I had been standing there for hours, the door opened to reveal Brittany's mom.

"Santana!" Her thick Dutch accent always charmingly evident. "It seems like it's been so long."

"It has Mrs. Pierce...Here." I shoved the flowers gracelessly in her face. She took them and smelled them clearly ignoring my glaring inability to have any semblance poise whatsoever.

"Santana, we've known each other for years. You know you can call me Hennie." I did but I couldn't remember my own name at this point because to phrase it like Brittany would, my nerves were playing kickball with my brain even though I had told them to stop being meanies and to just leave me alone. Britt's mom clearly had zero nerves in relation to our get together because she gave me a warm and inviting side hug and then told me to come in inside...WANKY.

ANYWAY, here's the thing with Brittany's family, they're all gorgeous. Brittany's mom looked like a blonde Sandra Bullock…kind of like she did in 'The Blind Side' but with a more European sensibility and adorable accent. I'm not gonna lie to you…I kind of had a slight crush on her when I first met her but then Brittany grew up and I forgot all about her mom and every other woman in existence really. Hennie was so sweet and polite and nice and pretty and tall and personality wise, everything my mom wasn't. My stepmom Maribel is great but my birth mom Nina…well…I inherited both being a bitch and my plastic surgeon from her. I think this explains why I was so jealous of Brittany's family growing up. They showed so much love for each other and in my home it was just 'Throw money at the girl so she won't care that we didn't show up for her recital or talk to her at the dinner table or give a fuck about how she feels about anything in her life'. Unlike mine, Brittany's parents were attentive and thoughtful and accepting and seemingly perfect. I'm lucky and grateful to have my stepmom but the rest of my family is a disaster…Okay, besides my dog Carlos. He's a pimp that makes the bitches cream themselves. He learned that from me of course…Okay, he may have actually learned that from Brittany, but let's keep that information to ourselves, shall we?

We entered the kitchen to find Mr. Pierce cooking some super Dutch thing I likely didn't know the name of. I always liked his cooking; I just never knew what it was.

"SANTANA!" He stopped stirring whatever he was stirring and came over and gave me one of his signature lift you off the ground and spin you around in the air bear hugs. The man was about Finns height so when he lifts you, you're pretty far from the floor.

"Hi Mr. Pierce."

"What have you been smoking Santana? We're not in Amsterdam. It's not legal here. I don't want you going to jail." He gave the pensive expression that Brittany gives when she's legitimately worried.

"Nothing Sir, I promise you!" I choked out frightened whilst still hanging in the air. All I could think was 'HER PARENTS THINK I DO DRUGS! HER PARENTS THINK I DO DRUGS! WHAT IF THEY DON'T WANT ME AROUND ANYMORE? WHAT IF THEY TELL MY PARENTS AND THEY SEND ME TO REHAB?!'

I was never one to jump to conclusions.

Klaas set me back down on the ground and peered at me investigatively. He then turned to his wife and questioned something to her in Dutch as if I weren't in the room.

"What's wrong with her?"

"I don't know, she's been acting weird since the second she showed up."

"You think she's having that time of month?"

"Just because a female is not making any sense doesn't mean she is having her menstrual cycle. You are now on whipped husband tampon buying duty until further notice for asking that question." Klaas sulked for a second before directing his attention back at me.

"Little Lopez," He began in English with the nickname he had given me when we first met when I was thirteen and painfully small for my age. "You know you're like family, right?"

"Yes, sir."

"Stop with that sir stuff. I'm Klaas! You've been calling me Klaas for years…And that time I had to go and fix the septic tank you even called me 'ass' when you didn't think anyone could hear but Brittany," I blushed at being caught. "And then you wrote that hip-hop song about Klaas being knee deep in shit from everybody's ass that was about six minutes long with a Brittany beatbox breakdown in the middle of it." I blushed even brighter. "I still say it's better than Trouty Mouth….but not quite as good as My Cup." I now looked like a tomato. A mixture of both the green and red ones. I can't imagine why? There's nothing embarrassing about your girlfriends father knowing about the song your girlfriend wrote about her love of going down on you. Nothing embarrassing about that at ALL. "But you know what?" I truly had lost the ability to speak at this moment. "Now that you are in a relationship with my daughter we are even more family so I expect you to forget these formalities." I nodded rapidly; afraid if I actually did try and open my mouth that some sort of uptight apology would fall out of it. "Good! We're having a feast tonight! Oh and grab yourself some of the koffie verkeerd for you and Brittany. She asked for some earlier and I thought who else to take it to her other than her favorite person?" He pointed to the two glasses of brown liquid with thick foam on top.

"Yes si…I mean Klaas." I quickly clutched onto the glasses so tight I was afraid I was going to break them and then headed upstairs towards Brittany's room.

"Soo…" The dad started. "How long before she spills or drops something?" His wife playfully hit him. "What?"

"Give the poor girl a break. I'd be nervous too if I were gay having dinner at my girlfriends house after them finding out that I've had a thing with their daughter for years without telling them."

"But we've known something was there forever, they're not very quiet and…Just give me a second to envision you with a girlfriend." She hit him again. "WHAT?!" They both smirked at each other.

"Can you get the door Britt? My hands are full." Brittany's bedroom door opened to reveal an only partially dressed version of herself. "Okay…" I gave her a slow once over. "You can't do that."

"Do what?" She feigned ignorance as she took one of the hot beverages from my hand and gave me a peck on the lips before closing the door behind me.

"You know what."

"We've talked about this Santana." She gave me a stern look. "You need to work on expressing your feelings in a clear way."

"And with the state of undress you're in I'm a little too close to expressing them in a way I need not to with your parents in the house." She took a few sips thoughtfully.

"That never stopped you before."

"I was never trying to impress them before." She gave me a smirk. "What?"

"You're like…being super duper cute right now."

"Please stop flattering me whilst not wearing pants." And the ray of sunshine Brittany Susan Pierce smile broke out. God, I was so hopelessly in love with her. Considering my high level of obsession with her, the smile I returned was painfully dopey. Christ, I'm really embarrassing aren't I?

"What if I wear a skirt?" She stated as if trying to bargain with me.

"Depends on the length." I took a few sips of what tasted to be similar to coffee but milkier.

"So if the skirt was just over my ass, can I still flirt with you?"

"No, that would be rude."

"Knee length?"

"You don't even own any skirts that long."

"And I wonder why?" She gave me one of those painfully sexy winks that were known to make my panties drop and stepped out of view into her walk in closet.

"You're not allowed to do that pantsless either."

"Oh really? What's my punishment Auntie Tana? The whip or the handcuffs?"

"Jesus, Britt." I sat on her bed about to hyperventilate. I was not prepared for this evening. If only she could turn down the hot for one evening, then I would only have to deal with being scared shitless of fucking up with her parents and could more easily ignore my overwhelming need to see her naked…and have her sit on my face. Brittany's head popped out of the closet.

"Honey?" I was lying down on her bed with a hand over my eyes.

"Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

"N-nothing." She glided out of her clothing housing facility in a mid thigh length skit that was very fuckable secretary. She grabbed my cheeks and made me look her in the eye.

"What's really bothering you?"

"It's stupid."

"You don't like it when I call myself stupid so I'm not going to let you do that to your feelings. They're not stupid. So I'm going to ask you again, what's wrong?" I gave a big sigh because let's not pretend I had much willpower when it came to her.

"I'm scared." Her head quirked to the side in confusion.

"Why?"

"Because of…of your parents."

"But my parents love you and you've known them for years. What's there to be scared of?"

"I told you it was stupid." She sighed in the way she only does when she's frustrated with me being difficult and stubborn.

"Stop saying that!" Her hands fell from my face and she intertwined them with my own. "I just don't understand, that's all."

"It's just different now, you know? I'm not just your friend anymore. I'm your girlfriend and it just…changes the whole dynamic and puts more pressure on everything." Her face softened and looked even more angelic than normal.

"Sweetie, you were never just my friend and you know that. We're out and open and happy and now I get to share with people why I love you so much; otherwise it's the same. My parents saw it there and had been questioning it for years. They knew honey and they loved you because how could anyone not love you?" She gave me a kiss on the forehead that lingered deliciously long. The exaggerated popping sound she made when she dislodged her lips from my forehead made me giggle in a ridiculously dorky way only she could make happen. Brittany Pierce was so good at calming me down it was scary.

"You're really charming Britt." She bit her lip and I caught her giving me that look. The 'I just charmed your clothes off, didn't I?' look. "Don't even think about it."

"But you're so hot in…and out of that dress babe."

"UGH, I tried to be conservative! Kurt said it was classy but alluring." A big grin invaded her face again. "What?"

"You went shopping with Kurt just for this occasion?" I sighed dramatically and nodded embarrassedly. "I love when you admit you've made friends and actually like them." I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "It makes the panties I almost always forget to wear fall off my ass." I gulped. "Now, come on," She grabbed my hand. "Let's go downstairs before my parents think we're getting it on…Which we will be if we don't get in a public setting right away."

"BRITTANY!"

"What? You look really really hot right now."

She truly did make this impossible, didn't she?

**-Ten minutes later at the dinner table-**

Brittany and I sat across from each other. I was beside Brittany's little sister's boyfriend Wes Brody and Brittany's parents were at the heads of the table.

"So Santana, I hear you're having to share cheer caption this year with someone else. How is that going?" Brittany dad questioned.

"Oh yeah Becky…she's kind of…" _Don't call Becky a bitch. Don't call Becky a bitch. Don't do it. Doesn't matter that that she would be one no matter if she had downs or not. Be polite. Remember most people would be disgusted if they knew Becky had downs and you'd still call her a bitch. But that's because those people are stupid assholes that would treat her differently for the same reason when she would be a bitch either way. And Brittany's parents aren't assholes…but they are outrageously nice. Just try to be charming Santana. CHARMING. And not Brittany pants off charming, just regular innuendoless PG movie charming._

"Santana," Brittany began. "Are you okay? You look super gassy. Like Finn level gassy." To this I gave Brittany a 'Thanks a lot for embarrassing the shit out of me in front of your parents' look to which she replied with a 'You're being incredibly silly right now' facial composition.

"Okay, what's going on?" Brittany's little sister Briana blurted out in an attempt to spot the polka dotted elephant in the room. What? She's a Pierce. Trust me, the elephant had polka dots.

"Yeah, your girlfriends being super weird." Wes offered. "You should have stuck with me Brittany…OWW." One would only assume Briana had hit him under the table…But, it was actually me. Boy needed to learn to keep his nonexistent bits in his ill-fitting pants and appreciate that he had bagged himself a girl that in the future would be far too good looking for him and to therefore stop looking at mine. Don't side eye me for becoming jealous via something an eight year old said, homie needed to learn this shit sooner or later, so why not sooner? I stand by my decision to inflict pain upon his boney hairless shin.

"Stop giving Santana a hard time." Hennie ordered.

"Umm anyway," I tried to break the tension that I had obviously created. "It's hard because Becky's ideas are…not very effective and I've proven I can win without any help so…I wish I could just do it myself but I have to deal with the situation so…" I shrugged.

"Which she has so well! I'm so proud of her. She's been so demonic."

"Well, her nickname IS Satan." Wes Brody stated and was mysteriously kicked again. "OWWWW!" Brittany gave me her well used 'Stop hitting small children' look. I responded with a 'Stop accusing of me of things you have no proof of' expression. But soon, I sighed in resignation and decided to try an honor her request anyway for the rest of the evening. Getting caught being violent towards unruly children that need to shut the hell up was not likely going to go over so well with any set of parents.

"I think she means diplomatic." I offered.

"No, I think she does mean demonic." Klaas giggled and then yelped "OWW!" I glanced over to Hennie who had a look on her face that highly resembled Brittany's 'Stop it' expression. Clearly, the Pierce women were very skilled at controlling their significant others via their looks. And I mean that in every possible way.

"May we go and play?" Briana asked hopefully.

"Sure guys." The two little ones left the table leaving the four of us in an even more awkward but slightly less embarrassing situation.

"How's Maribel Santana?"

"Oh umm, she's great as usual."

"I hear from Brittany that she's been very accepting and supportive of this relationship."

"Oh yeah, she loves Britt like a second daughter."

"I know the feeling." Hennie offered me a tender smile. I tried my best to return it but noted Brittany giving me an expression that clearly stated 'San, seriously, you still look gassy. Should I get you some antacid?'. "And how's…Nina doing?" I sighed.

"She still doesn't really care or talk about it or acknowledge it…She tried to set me up with this guy named Rico the other day at mass."

"Rico was kinda hot."

"Brittany!" I yelped. She simply shrugged her shoulders in return.

"What?" She replied in fake cluelessness clearly trying to get me to loosen up. I rolled my eyes and couldn't hold back my smirk.

"I'm sure she'll come around."

"Yeah…maybe. I'm not sure if it's better or worse than the situation with my Abuela. At least my Abuela was honest with me and believes me. Cruella De Vil just pretends it's not there." I slapped my hand over my mouth. _Fuck, I had gotten so far without saying anything mean._ I glanced at Brittany who seemed to be trying like a son of a bitch to not laugh and then at Brittany's dad who simply smiled brightly at me. "What?"

"I wondered when you were going to start acting like yourself."

**-Thirty minutes later-**

Brittany's parents were getting dessert in the kitchen which was a very good thing because my nerves were officially fried. They asked us a lot of questions, some simple and some not so simple and while they all were polite and warranted; oh my God I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt like that dude who knows that if he says the wrong thing around the girl's father he may or may not cut his below average sized schlong off.

"You're so adorable."

"Britt-Britt…"

"And sexy."

"Britt…"

"And I want to rip your clothes off and have my way with you right now on this table." I felt her foot rub up against mine under said table.

"BRITTANY!"

"Yes, Santana?" She feigned innocence.

"Stop."

"Stop what, baby?"

"You know exactly what!" I whisper shouted. "Your parents are in the other room."

"Which is my point." She knocked off her heel and I felt her foot reach my calf. "They're not in this one."

"They might even be able to hear this conversation."

"Then let's stop talking." Oh Jesus.

"Britt."

"Shhhh." Her foot was at my knee when the parental units reentered the room to my complete horror and since Brittany didn't stop moving her foot…arousal. Okay, that sounded really wrong but you get my point.

"I just want you to know…" Brittany's dad started as he sat down. "I was ecstatic when Brittany broke up with the robot and got together with you."

"Oh…" I breathed deeply as my girlfriends foot hit my thigh. I looked up at her face that was completely deadpan and gave her a 'You're being cruel' expression. She only replied with fake confusion. "I'm…happy to umm…hear that." I gulped when I felt a second foot join the party that shouldn't have been happening while talking to her parents.

"He treated her like a little girl and while Brittany will always be our baby," He gave his daughter a warm smile. "You treat her like the woman she is and with respect and I want you to know how much we value that." Oh she was a woman all right, a woman who had her foot up my dress rubbing dangerously close to an area of my body that was starting to burn.

"S-she deserves th-the best always." Brittany's mom gave me a curious look.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Annnnd…Brittany's big toe hit my clit.

"PERFECT!" My voice had that teenage boy going through puberty quality about it…It was oh so attractive I'm sure.

"Santana, I know this must be weird for you but we really do think you are a great pair and we support you so there's no need to be so on edge." No NEED? I was so wet I was about to slide off my chair! I had to grip the thing for dear life all the while Brittany gave me an innocent expression as if she were also saying 'Yeah, there's nothing to worry about'. When her big toe slowly traced my entrance I knew I had to stop this. I wasn't going to make it. I was legit going to come in front of her parents if I didn't get the fuck away from that table within the next point two seconds.

"Umm…I…I'll be right back. Excuse me." I tried to get up quickly but my legs were all wobbly and it took great effort to get to the bathroom without tripping. Once I entered, I breathed deeply and put my hands over my face. I locked the door and proceeded to do something I never thought I would be doing.

Rubbing one out in Brittany's family's guest bathroom. I was in there a minute or so when I heard a few knocks followed by my girlfriend's voice.

"Honey? Are you okay? Can I come in?" There was no answer from me. "San, if you're peeing it's okay, I've seen everything. Remember that camping trip we took when you got your high heeled boot stuck in that cowpie and then freaked out about having to take a piss behind a bush complaining that it was indecent and that a bear might see?" Still no answer. "If you're pooping you really should have used my bathroom. I mean, I'm sure the result isn't like Finn when he took a dump at Pucks house and then for the rest of the party people had to pee and barf outside for fear of walking into the bathroom and having their noses fall off…." _Okay, if I let her stay out there any longer she is going to embarrass me into the grave._ I took my hand out from under my dress and unlocked the door. She entered and swiftly locked it again behind her. When she got a good look at me she knew exactly what had just been transpiring. My face was all flushed and my dress looked newly fucked without even needing a partners help. There was a moment of silence before she spoke. "Sooo…" She stepped towards me, getting closer and closer until I was pressed up against the wall. "Is my naughty girlfriend fucking herself in my parent's guest bathroom?"

"Brittany…" It left my mouth breathlessly.

"Hmm? Is that what you're doing?" Her lips were right on my ear. "Do you need to come baby?"

"Oh my God…" It came out as an aroused whisper. Her left hand slowly made its way down my front; inching closer and closer to the area that needed her desperately.

"Is this why you've been so uptight all along babe? Did you just need me to relieve a little…" She stroked just above my core for a second. "Or a lot of tension?"

"Brittany…we…we.."

"We what babe? We what?" She ripped my lace undergarment down with little caring.

"We can't." It came out in an outrageously unconvincing tone.

"I was ready to fuck you under the table with my foot…You think being in the bathroom with you just because my parents are here is going to stop me now? I can and will prove to you very quickly that we very much can." Her voice was so low and sexy and predatory and oh my God it was doing things to me I couldn't even process.

"B-but they'll know." She turned me around, pushed my front forward against the wall, and pulled my ass into her hips.

"Santana," Her lips grazed my neck and then she kissed and bit her way up to my ear again. "I don't give a fuck." Two fingers entered my core from behind.

"Oh shit!" I yelped.

"I don't give a single fuck." Her open hand grabbed my right tit roughly and started kneading. "I don't give a fuck if anyone sees." Her thumb played with my incredibly hard nub.

"Damn baby." I panted out trying to control my moaning but failing miserably.

"I don't give a fuck who hears." She pinched my nipple and a hiss of delicious pain exited my mouth. "I want my sexy, caring, beautiful girlfriend right now and nobody on this planet has a chance in hell of stopping me." And a third finger entered and her other hand groped my ass and because I had been teased so much for so long I came so fucking hard I fell back into her with force. Legitimately everything turned white as I fell off the edge. She held me in her arms as I shook violently and repeated her name over and over. Once I was left gasping for air and looking very much like a newly fucked mess, Brittany pulled her fingers out of me and put them directly into her mouth; humming in approval of the flavor. "You taste so.." Her fingers left her mouth with a pop. "Delicious." She then proceeded to give me a passionate kiss in order to prove her point. The kiss got even deeper and her hands found their most desired place; my tits, and squeezed and I was up against the wall again and my temperature was rising and this was going to become a fuck-a-thon if I didn't do something and fast. With what little strength I had gained back, I pushed her away gently.

"Britt…honey.." I panted out in desperation. "If you don't stop now we are never leaving this bathroom."

"Oh yes you are!" We heard outside the door. I immediately turned white and for a person as tan as me trust me, that's a feat. "We have dessert, so when you are done defiling my daughter please come… out….and not in either of the ways you're experienced in…and have some dessert." I couldn't speak; my brain had just short circuited and was on the verge of meltdown. In that moment the inside of my skull looked like Chernobyl.

"We'll be out in just a sec Mom."

"Good, because your father is worried Santana is going to get you pregnant and you two are just too young to have children. We will not have you pulling a Quinn around here."

"We know how to use birth control Mom." _OH. MY. GOD. I AM GOING TO DIE. I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO DIE FROM PURE EMBARRASSMENT._

"I think we'll go over that after dinner. Be out in a few minutes or your dad will be removing the door." Footsteps could be heard moving away from our location.

"Kill me. Actually murder me right now."

"Honey," I slid down to the floor and she knelt in front of me. "It's not that big of a deal."

"NOT THAT BIG A DEAL?! THEY KNOW WE WERE HAVING SEX! And they think I was fucking their beautiful innocent little girl in their OWN BATHROOM! SO YES BRITT. IT'S A BIG FUCKING DEAL!"

"They know we've had sex Santana. This is not the first time they've heard."

"Wait…What?" My eyes bugged out.

"My mom came to me when we were fifteen and had that cheerios sleepover and told me that it was impolite to have sex with other unsuspecting people in the room."

"OH MY FUCKING GOD."

"And one time she told me to stop holding onto the headboard when we 'Make love' because Dad has to get up early for work and they can hear it in their bedroom."

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT." My hands were now permanently covering my face.

"Honey," I shook my head over and over and over not wanting to hear anymore. "Honey, look at me."

"NO." Brittany gently tried to pull my hands away to no avail. She quickly put a lot more force into it which caused my bright red face to be revealed.

"Santana." Her voice was stern and if I wasn't so horrified, I would have thought it was sexy. "LOOK AT ME." My eyes slowly traveled up to meet hers.

"What? What could you possibly want to say to me right now?"

"What could I want to say to my girlfriend?" She almost looked offended. "I want to say that I love you and you love me and they know that. They respect that. They get that we are two young people who really are deeply in love. That is why my mom referred to it as making love because she knows you're not actually in here defiling her daughter. She can see it in our eyes and in your actions that you love me more than anyone or thing on this earth. They both know we love each other in every way possible, including physically and while maybe my need to take you at the dining room table while you were trying to maintain a conversation with them was…maybe not the…best choice," I gave her a 'Ya think?' face. All she did was smirk back like 'You liked it.' Which well…I did. "They know that you always have my best interest at heart, no matter if they find or hear us in questionable positions. They love you honey, you're part of the family now, and even if you or we mess up, you will ALWAYS be part of the family because I will ALWAYS love you." She enraptured me in one of those warm tight Brittany hugs that I wished would last forever. Just as I got comfortable in the embrace we heard a drill and soon enough the door was removed to reveal Brittany's dad with a hand over his eyes.

"GIRLS, please make yourselves decent and join us for dessert. I made Appeltaart, Santana's favorite."

"Dad, we're dressed and just talking."

"Are you SURE?"

"Yes, dad…there are no viewable boobs and no more asses will be groped this evening in your home. I promise." I didn't know what she said but I suspected it was embarrassing and as a result my face turned another shade redder. After being given the go ahead and exhibiting a lot of trust, Klaas slowly lowered his hand from his eyes.

"OH THANK GOD." He stood the door up against the wall.

"And this was all my fault. Santana has been trying as hard as possible to be respectful so please don't judge her on this."

"I know you Brittany. Remember the great countertop incident of 2008?" Brittany's ears turned red and she nodded whilst putting her hands through her hair awkwardly. "It's your mother that still has a hard time not thinking of you as the….innocent one in these things. She's not judging, but you might want to set the record straight with her. Besides, I understand. Sometimes when you have a hot girlfriend you just gotta make it happen." He shrugged a shrug that I realized Brittany had inherited from him.

"Thanks Dad."

"Now get to the table now before your mother puts a full long-term sex ban into effect in this house." Brittany's eyes bugged out, she quickly got up, pulled me off the ground, and practically dragged me out of the bathroom.

"Like Father like daughter." He spoke to himself and shook his head while grinning.

"What did he say?" I asked on our way to the dining room.

"My mom loves you, dad loves you, I love you, and everything is perfect." I rolled my eyes at her massive lie.

"What did he REALLY say Brittany?" She stopped and looked at me seriously for a moment before speaking.

"He knows that sometimes it doesn't matter if you've brought your companion home to meet the parents and make them like them or if you're at school or on a hayride. When you've got a hot girlfriend, sometimes you just gotta tap," She slapped my derriere playfully. "DAT ASS."

Words of wisdom for Klaas Pierce that trust me,

I would never forget.

* * *

And Klaas remains flawless unlike Glee. LOL. I feel about reviews like Santana feels about pantsless Brittany. Sometimes they make me blush and swoon and I may make myself look stupid while viewing what they have to offer but nonetheless, I love the shit out of them. :D

Thanks for reading and reviewing and following and all that delicious appltaart!


	7. Disaster Date

So once again it has been a really long damn time. Where was I? Well, I was having a better time than Santana's gonna have in this chapter I can tell you that much ...or was I? *ponders this deeply* Friends are great but sometimes...Sometimes they just fuck shit up!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 7: Disaster Date**

I hadn't been on a date for a while. Why, you ask? Well, if you must know information that is completely none of your God damn business, I'm typically a very busy, extremely successful woman which leaves little time for me to sit across from someone and pretend like I give a fuck about their over dramatic feelings. I've worked hard for my position in life and part of how I've gotten there is by deleting distractions. I guarantee I would have never been able to bitch, claw, and razor blade my way up to partner at my law firm Schuester & Sylvester if I had spent copious amounts of energy on chasing tail. With that being said, in my thirty-two minutes of daily leisure time, I enjoyed coming home to my luxury apartment with the skyline view and being met with peace and quiet after a nice long satisfying day of strutting in power suits and making the defense cry like Lindsay Lohan's lawyer does on a minute by minute basis. Even though I'm sure to you this all sounds great and fulfilling, my so called 'friends' questioned my long loving and committed relationship with singledom.

"Girl, you need to get LAID and FAST!"

"Wait, what?"

"You heard me. That cat needs to be petted because you know a cat's dead when it doesn't purr." I gave her a 'What in the fucking shit does that ratchet ass mess mean?' look. Mercedes ignored it and continued nodding in her confident 'Mama's bout to drop some knowledge on ya girl, so you best listen up' sort of way. "You're cranky as all get out and the only way for you to fix that problem; because you've got issues, is to do wanky things…as you like to call them."

"Who says I'm not getting laid just because I haven't settled down?" They all ignored me and continued to try and solve what I felt was a nonexistent issue.

"I'd pay for someone to go out with you." Sugar offered which of course did nothing but boost my confidence.

"I don't need to hire someone for a date. I'm single by choice."

"No, you're single because you have the personality of Satan's eviler twin sister."

"Why am I friends with you douchebags? What don't you understand about me LIKING being single? I don't need to have to deal with some broads problems. I like being in control of my own life. What is wrong with that?"

"Nothing, if that's what this was." Mercedes offered. "But girl, you're in a rut. And it's been a long long time that you've been in that rut."

"It's more like a ditch now." Sugar offered.

"Hells Canyon to be exact." I groaned in frustration.

"I just don't like relationships, okay?!"

"If I can be the voice of reason here." Oh yes, when I needed someone to make sense of things I always was one to turn to batshit Quinn. Never met anyone more sensible and responsible. "The last serious girlfriend you had was our professor in collage, Holly Holiday. And you know as well as I that that was a toxic relationship if you want to even call it that. Ever since it's just been an endless stream of random blonde one night stands. It's like you still can't get over the bitch even though it was forever ago that she broke your heart of steel. And as of late you've just quit all together and tried to distract yourself with work. We as your friends are here to tell you lovingly that you, Santana Lopez, have become pathetic."

"Oh, I feel the love Lucy. Thank you for bestowing this valuable information upon me so that I now have the opportunity to get my life back on track. I have no idea what I would do without you all. Now, let's watch The Sisterhood of the Traveling pants, trousers, and capri's and will all our cycles to sync at the same time." I deadpanned. All three rolled their eyes…Well, except Sugar. She just smiled brightly like the brain-dead socialite she was.

"Poo poo our concern all you want but because we love you, we've set you up on a blind date. So you better search through that absurdly large part of your closet that only houses insanely tight tacky two dollar whore dresses because she's great and you need to dress to impress."

"W-what?" I spoke in shock. "No, no, no, no, NO!" I rambled in horror. "I have NEVER nor will I EVER go out on a blind date."

"Oh yes you will, we've scheduled it for this Saturday."

"I have plans."

"I'm sure your vibrator can reschedule." I glared at Mercedes as Quinn knelt down in front of me.

"Just do it once and we'll never ever ask you again, I promise." She put her hands on mine. "Besides, what do you have to lose?"

"I don't know, my dignity?...And maybe a kidney?"

Quinn rolled her eyes.

What? They don't say don't talk to strangers for nothing.

**-Thursday-**

My phone vibrated, indicating that some clueless dumbass who for some reason thought I owned a phone to actually talk to people felt the misguided need to text me for some unfortunate and surely pointless reason. I've always been known to have lot's of faith in others.

_From: The Skanky Church Goer_

_Your blind date just told me how excited she is to meet you! _

_From: HBIC_

_That would be really cool if I gave a salsa dancing fuck but I don't, so why are you informing me of this useless bullshit? _

_From: The Skanky Church Goer_

_Your perpetual lack of charm will not bring down my wonderful mood Santana. _

_From: HBIC_

_Bite me _

_From: The Skanky Church Goer_

_Ask her when you guys are on your third date, maybe she'll indulge you in that request. _

_From: HBIC_

_Stop trying to get me laid! I'm hot, I can do that on my own. _

_From: The Skanky Church Goer_

_Your hand doesn't count and stop listening to so much Pink. You are not a rock star nor do you have the rock moves. Get over it. _

I huffed because….She was SO fucking annoying and I DID have the rock moves damn it! Seriously, how the HELL was I ever dormmates with her?

_From: The Skanky Church Goer_

_Make sure you're not late Santana, make a good impression, and for the love of God attempt to be nice! _

_NICE?_

_WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?_

_From: The Skanky Church Goer_

_Just remember, don't be yourself and everything will go just fine _

My self-esteem had never been higher.

**-Saturday night at Vijf Vlieghen-**

What the fuck is Vijf Vlieghen you ask? Some bullshit fancy Dutch restaurant my idiot friends thought would be fancy enough to as Quinn stated 'Woo her enough to forget about your dreadful personality'.

I would once again like to take this moment to state how very much I hate my friends. And when I say 'hate' I don't just mean strongly dislike. I mean true unadulterated hate.

Anyway, back to this imminent shitstorm. I strutted up to the super tall blond host in his mid thirties and informed him that I had a reservation under the name Lopez. After he was finally able to tear his eyes away from my five figure cleavage, his mouth began to move in a way that signaled words were going to come out of it versus just the drool that had cascaded down his chin via the sight of my perky push-up bra clad rambunctious twins.

"AH! I just sat a woman there a few seconds ago, it's just this way." He led me to a small mildly romantic secluded table. Upon arriving at said table I was greeted by a femaleish human thing I would have never typically asked out.

First of all, she wasn't blonde. Secondly, she was shorter than me. Thirdly, her nose was fucking HUGE.

So she had nice legs though…

What? The girl couldn't be a COMPLETE failure, right?

"Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Santana."

"You're even more beautiful than I was told you would be." I'd be charmed if I wasn't so distracted by the fucking reindeer on her sweater. Who wears that shit to a nice restaurant? Let alone when they're on a date? Sure, the plaid skirt made her legs look nice but as my eyes foolishly traveled south they were hit with the tragic unfortunate existence of her penny loafers and as a result my stomach lurched. "I'm Rachel." I shook her manly yet tiny hand and sat across from her pint sized body.

"They have so many wonderful vegan choices on the menu! Let's split a wheatgrass shake and tofu Draadjesvlees!"

Sooooooooo….

I already hated her. What? Stop calling me intolerant! I'm absolutely tolerant…of people who aren't fucked up. She was fucked up. I will not be told I will be splitting fucking wheatgrass or tofu anything with anybody…especially on the first date… Even if they're super fine and naked. Maaaaybe if she was blonde and I was super whipped and the sex contained whips. Maybe. Otherwise, hell fucking no. She could kiss my taunt ass. I mean, come on! I just said hi and the first topic of conversation is 'LOOK AT ME! I'M SUPER VEGAN! EAT MY HEALTHY SHIT AND PRETEND THAT IT'S ROMANTIC BECAUSE I AM SHARING IT WITH YOU WHICH ISN'T ACTUALLY TRUE BECAUSE I'M FORCING YOU TO EAT IT BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T SAY YES YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A FUCKHEAD WHO TURNS DOWN GIRLS WHEN THEY ARE JUST TRYING TO BE CUTE ON A FIRST DATE!'

Barf.

I refuse to be that healthy. Nope, I have always liked my breadsticks and cigars and being single. You may be asking yourself why I enjoy the single life so much? The reason is because I can do shit as I please! I don't have to watch her bullshit TV, I can take out the trash when I feel like, I can look like a million bucks or a petrified turd and there's nobody to bitch at me about it. Nobody's there to judge my thirty gigabyte porn collection, I can make the bed when I want or never, I can look at any pair of tits I want and not get slapped upside the head for it, no in-laws, no snoring, no kissing her even though she has morning breath and refuses to ever take note of the pack of gum I strategically and thoughtfully left on her bed stand for her, I can choose the scent of Febreze I want, I don't have to pretend to have a headache when I'm feeling too fat to want to have sex, no dealing with their endless calls and texts and most of all…

I EAT WHAT I WANT.

If I want to eat a hamburger with bacon donuts as buns I fucking will scarf that shit down because that's how shit is done in the heights. It doesn't matter that I moved to Manhattan years ago, you can't take the heights out of the girl. That's how I was when I went on this crudebucket of a date and that's how I still am and that shit isn't going to change anytime soon.

"Umm…that's sweet of you..." I almost hurled, which is my body's natural reaction to any sort of thoughtful behavior on my part. Which is why I typically try to be myself as often as possible. I'm a selfish ass and as long as I act like one I don't need antacid. "But I'm really not one for wheatgrass." She briefly gave me a look that seemed to be filled with disappointment but then instantaneously perked up and started suggesting further things for us to share. Whoever said sharing is caring was not on a date with Rachel.

"Avocado bubble tea?"

I don't even have to comment on that one do I? She was trying to order a Japanese tea in the flavor of an avocado in a Dutch restaurant. All I could think was this over and over: _Stupid straight friends and their shitty taste in women. Stupid straight friends and their shitty taste in women. Stupid straight friends and their shitty taste in wom-_

"I wonder if the avocados are organic? Sustainable farming is an integral part of-"

_Stupid straight friends and their shitty taste in women. Stupid straight friends and their shitty taste in women._

"How about a lemonade?" I offered. She gave me a tight smile before it softened.

"Sugar free?" I wanted to go into a rant about that this is why we have dentists but I suppressed it and gave her a nod and a smile so awkward, you'd think I'd just farted. I Santana Lopez do not fart. I repeat, wind of the smelly nature does not vacate my rectum under any circumstances ever. I also do not sweat, I glisten…since I got that armpit Botox shot because trust me, nobody's afraid of a pitted out lawyer.

"Sure, sugar free sounds fine." I took a sip of water and glanced around the restaurant only to have my eyes eventually land on a massive statue of an enormously fat cat with a leather jacket on and a cigar hanging out of its mouth. The décor was…classy, to say the least. How could a place this tacky have such high prices?

"Sooo….what do you do for a living Santana?" I cleared my throat.

"I'm a lawyer."

"Really? What kind?"

"Prosecuting."

"So, that's how you know Quinn…"

"Yeah, it is…and how did you two meet by the way?"

"She was looking to take her vocal technique to another level so she did a thorough search of Manhattan for the most qualified vocal instructors and found herself at my door. Because of my many years of dedicated study of my craft and solid credentials, I'm the second alternate for Lea Michele in Funny Girl on Broadway. So like any sensible person, she hired me on the spot. When I am not filling in for Miss. Michele when she is hurling backstage after thirteen too many coffees and vegan pizzas, I have made it my mission to teach aspiring singers how to reach their potential with various exercises engineered to strengthen and expand their ranges as well as work on their vibratos and enhance their timbres. But first before we delve into the nitty gritty of the intense but extremely fun and rewarding lessons I orchestrate from scratch, I make sure to do a full analysis of my client highlighting their high and low points so that I can create a one of a kind custom routine tailored to each students needs for not only making their dreams come true but also for taking care of their God given vocal instrument so that they can continue to share their voice for generations to come! Because In the words of the one and only Celine Dion, steam three times a day to make the rasp go away!"

Anybody else's vagina getting dryer by the second? Instead of wetness I swore I could feel a tumbleweed attempting to roll out my birth canal. The last time that happened was when I was still in the closet and bearding with the ample bosomed Finn Hudson.

"That…" _Don't be a shithead Santana. _"Sounds…." _You can get through one conversation without being a prick. You can do this. You scored at the top of your class on the LSATs. You can manage to not be a gaping asshole for one evening._ "…rewarding." _Unconvincing but not intensely toolish Miss Lopez, good work. You deserve a pat on the back. You also should probably stop mentally talking to yourself as if you are someone else because it's weird and painfully narcissistic even for you._

"IT IS!" It was about this time that I felt a presence beside me.

"Welcome to Vijf Vlieghen_. _My name is Brittany and I will be your server for this evening. Can I get you guys started with some Frikadellen?" I didn't bother to look up or respond because who the fuck knows what that shit is outside of Holland?

"Do you have a tofu version?" Fuck, there is just something really annoying to me about someone who has to personalize their order everywhere they go. I mean obviously the woman was a vegetarian or vegan or whatever and that was fine as long as I didn't have to eat whatever bowl of dirt she was planning on ordering. But considering that they had options already for people who don't want animal products, why did she have to spend so much time asking the poor waitress if they could veganize dishes that clearly weren't meant to be vegan? Am I overreacting? I don't fucking care, she wasn't blonde, okay?

"No, I'm sorry ma'am but that isn't an available option." Rachel groaned in the least sexual way known to man and woman.

Seriously though, if you're a hot blonde woman in my book you can sit there and order for twenty minutes and I wouldn't give a laminated shit. But the reality of the situation was that she was a brunette chick with poorly done caramel streaks, a reindeer sweeter, penny loafers, a bang so thick even Zooey Deschanel would think it's too much, and a nose so gargantuan that it must have allowed her to determine if a batch of chow mien in some shanghai bachelor pad had gone bad or not from anywhere in the continental United States.

Girl was simply not on point enough to get away with that shit.

Period.

And no, I don't care if I sound like a cavewoman. I have taste and I was afraid her flavor would end up deadening my buds…ALL my buds.

"Once again, my condolences. But if it makes it any better we could make a tempeh version if you would prefer that?"

"While that is not the exact flavor that my refined palate desires in this moment in time, I do think that that would be an adequate solution to this less than desirable situation. And I feel that it is noble and thoughtful of you to bring this suggestion to the foreground of our discussion. Your tip will surely be positively influenced by this moment." She turned her head back in my direction. "Would you like to share Santana?" _WILL SHE STOP ASKING ME TO SHARE SHIT?!_

"I have no fucking idea what tempeh is." I retorted before I could stop myself. _Good job, you've said two sentences and you've already alerted her to the fact that you curse like a sailor that has had his balls cut off. Classy Santana, Classy. _I heard a snort from beside our table but ignored it.

"Oh really? Well Santana, you think you've lived? You haven't! It's a wonderful meat substitute. You will not regret trying it. You know, I really envy you. You have a whole world of magnificent taste experiences awaiting you." Says the woman who wanted me to ingest avocado tea.

"Fine, sure whatever." _Santana, you're out on a date. Attempt to give a fuck. I know you don't like sharing but you do have a few fucks in your purse. Take them out and bestow them upon Rachel. Yes, that sounded mildly salacious. I worded it that way to keep your attention. It's fucked up when your own mind has to trick you into listening. Get your shit TOGETHER. GET. IT. TOGETHER._

"Okay, guys I'll get that right up for you." The waitress grabbed the menu I was still looking at in an effort to avoid looking anywhere in the vicinity of my disappointing date. I didn't see the rest of the person the hand belonged to but when her fingers wrapped themselves around the spine of my menu I noticed that said fingers were really…really long. Not that that mattered of course…I mean, sure Rachel had manly hands that had short stubby fingers that probably could only satisfy the reindeer on her sweater but whatever…

_Just get through this bullshit Santana. Get through it. Stop thinking about how Rachel is not well endowed in any way shape or form. STOP._

"Are you a Barbra or Patti person?" Rachel delighted in her profound and obscenely enlightened question.

"Who?" She scrunched her unplucked 80's Brooke shields wannabe eyebrows in distress.

"Who do you like more? Barbra Streisand or Patti LuPone?"

"I've never really paid enough attention to form an opinion."

"How? Neither one strikes you when you go to a Broadway show more than the other? Because granted, they are both legends but I feel that Barbra's timbre and on stage command are simply riveting in ways that Patti, as much as she's a perfect goddess that makes my inner quiff sporting gay man squeal in delight, just can't hold a candle to. I simply feel Barbra is superior on all levels…OH! You must be a Bernadette person! Right?" She gave me an expectant smile as if to encourage me to purge my deepest darkest feelings about stage icons.

"Well…Umm…" I petted the back of my neck awkwardly. "I've actually umm… never been to a Broadway show before."

"WHAT?!" She yelped and did what anyone would obviously do in this situation.

She fainted.

Her eyes rolled back and her hand went up to her forehead dramatically as her body fell back into her chair and become what appeared to be lifeless.

"Rachel?!" I poked her nonsexually from across the table. "Rachel?"

"Is your friend okay?" The waitress reappeared.

"I don't know."

"I'll get some smelling salts." I turned my head just in time to catch the tail end of her speeding into the kitchen …which means just in time to notice her firm ass.

I like asses.

What? I do.

Rachel's wasn't bad but…it wasn't THAT. Rachel had an ass. Not a 'DAT ASS'.

There's a drastic difference. Ask Sir Mix-a-lot…Or Kanye.

But let's not pretend any of this really mattered. The goal was to get the FUCK through this date and I would and then I could tell my friends to stay the HELL out of my dating life. I would not end up failing my part of the deal. I couldn't handle another fucked up date like this one. A woman can only take so much!

The waitress reappeared, she leaned forward and as she placed the salts under nostrildamus's schnoz…her hair moved bountifully like it was in a Pantene pro-v commercial.

Her blonde hair.

Not that I noticed of course.

Such pointless details.

"Hopefully this helps your friend."

"Actually, she's my date…" I scratched the back of my head embarrassedly. I was one nervous tick and curse word away from getting diagnosed with turrets. Blonde good ass waitress gave me a weird scrunchy face in return. "Oh God, yes two ladies on a date. I know, HUGE DEAL!" I did a sarcastic hand motion that looked like jazz hands if they had PMS.

"No no…it's just…" Then the server made a motion as if to say 'Forget it'.

"No, what?"

"It's just, you two have the sexual chemistry of my pet rock crumbles and my cat Lord Tubbington. So I just assumed you were just friends. Sorry about that." She shrugged as if that shit was worded normally. The loud theater fanatic stirred a bit and then finally hiccupped back to life, much to everyone's disappointment.

"Oh my God." She gulped down some water and then spit it out gracelessly. "Can I get some filtered, please? City water could cause irreversible damage to my vocal cords and I have a four octave range that legendary vocal coach Doc Holliday says is a one of a kind. I'm looking to get it ensured with Lloyds of London in the foreseeable future so it is extremely important that no outside forces cause its demise." All Rachel got in response from our waitress was a look that made it abundantly clear that she wanted to punch her and holy tap dancing shit was it sexy.

Not that I would check out a waitress while on a date or anything…who does that? That's tacky.

I'm a classy demure woman. That goes without saying.

"Sure thing Ma'am." She turned around and strutted back to the kitchen.

Seriously, the woman's ass was on POINT. What? Everybody likes a nice ass. They're a fabulous feature that should be highlighted at all times; hence the dress I was wearing.

"I'm going to freshen up in the ladies room. I'll be right back." She smiled at me as flirtatiously as one can after fainting and then spitting out their water all over the place like an inaccurate sprinkler with restless leg syndrome. On her way to the pissroom she then did what looked to be a variation of a frolic that I assumed was supposed to look like a Fred Astaire Gene Kelly hybrid but really just looked uncomfortably spasticy. I sighed because seriously, this shit couldn't get worse.

"She's obnoxious, you should bail." I snapped my head in the direction of the voice. It belonged to the pretty waitress who was in the middle of putting a glass on the table and then pouring a bottle of Evian in it. I smirked because; this was kinda hilarious wasn't it? I mean this date was so shit that I did really want to jump off of a bridge but, it was still kind of funny. You gotta laugh a little when things go this tragically in life. It's the only way to survive.

"Getting dating tips from the waitress? Shouldn't you stick to telling me what today's specials are?" That would shut most people up but it only caused her to smirk back at me. There was a lot of confidence behind that smirk and it was pretty attractive. And by pretty I mean EXTREMELY.

"I'm not giving you tips for dating. I'm just informing you that your assumptions are correct. She's gross and you should walk out right now while you can. And today's special is gehaktbal."

"What the hell is that?"

"It's a giant meatball. And if your date asks, no we cannot make a meatless version. However, how about you order one, I have it express made, get you a doggy bag, and then you can ditch her?"

"Why are you SO adamant that I end this date?"

"I just think you should do it now before she starts getting the idea that you actually like her. You'll spare her feelings and have to spend less time with her, everybody wins." She shrugged. Her logic was wonderfully flawless; therefore, I couldn't help the cheesy smile on my face. Her smirk only increased.

"And what do you get?" Her eyes gleamed and wow they we're so gorgeous.

"Well, I'd know that you got to try a dish that we are famous for here and I'd also know that you likely won't get arrested for murder tonight since you would be out of her presence. And you know, I'd also get to see you get up to leave in that dress." I turned a little red and she bit her lip. I chose to ignore her flirting and replied to her prior statement.

"I can't just leave. This is a blind date and I promised my friends I'd get through it. If I do they will stay out of my dating life from now on and I desperately want that so I gotta finish it. Even if I have to listen to more stories about the troll's meteoric rise to understudydom."

"But you won't get through it anyway so you might as well stop it now."

"I think I will make it though this date just fine waitress Brittany." Her smirk became more mischievous.

"Sorry to tell you patron Santana, but you won't get through the second course. It's impossible. Not trying to get a saddle to stay on an angry unicorn impossible, but still, it's at least 111% impossible."

"Excuse me?" I folded my arms…I was pretty sure there was an insult in that jumbled up mess of words somewhere.

"You won't." She copied my arm folding.

"I won't WHAT?"

"Get through the second course of this date."

"Is this some sort of BET or something?"

"Maaaaaaaaybe." She shrugged and grinned and wow she had a beautiful smile. All the awards to her dentist…and to her parents for fornicating condomless.

"And what do you get if you win this so called BET?"

"A date with you." It was my turn to spit out my water.

"WHAT?"

"You heard me. If you don't get through this date, you have to go out on a date with me."

"And what happens if you lose?"

"I have to ask Rachel out."

"A VEEEERY confident woman you are." I perked an eyebrow and she shrugged once again.

"You gotta take risks if you're ever gonna achieve anything awesome in life." Before I could respond, a supposedly freshened up Rachel reappeared.

"Oh good you're here, I was wondering if the gehaktbal could be made out of tofu?" And the vein in Brittany's forehead looked like it was going to explode.

Did I mention that I thought she was obscenely hot?

**-Five minutes and fifteen waitress involving pornographic daydreams later-**

"Don't you hate it when artists mess up self portraits of you?" Oh yeah, that was a common non first world problem.

"It's a real bitch." I replied sarcastically and as expected, she completely thought I was serious.

"I know right? Ugh, you are SUCH a riot Santana. And I love your speaking voice. I bet your singing one is raspy and sexy."

"I wouldn't know, I haven't sang in ages." She let a loud gasp emit from her nonsexually well used mouth that made me think she was going to faint again. But she slowly collected herself by sipping on her Evian water, praying to mother Streisand, and humming what I was pretty sure was 'Papa can you hear me?'.

"We must CHANGE that Santana. Sure you will not be anywhere near me but I can feel you have talent. Deep in my soul I sense it so I think that it would be a disgrace if we didn't go to a karaoke bar on our second date."

Second date.

SECOND DATE.

**SECOND DATE**.

I'd sooner purposely catch herpes from Puckerman and then name our not so love child Puckette Saw Puckerman the twelfth and a half.

"Yeah Santana, I'm sure that would be a SUPER fun second date." Brittany appeared and offered smugly. I could only manage to glare at her. If she thought she was going to win this bet she had another thing coming.

"See, even our waitress can agree that there is no better bonding experience than coming together in romantic duet. I will make sure to get your email before we part this evening so I can send you an instrumental piano version of 'You don't bring me flowers" by Neil Diamond and Barbra so you can practice." She then nodded at her own ingenious plan.

_I hate EVERYTHING._

"You are a lucky one Santana. If a girl did something like that for me, I wouldn't be able to keep the panties I always forget to wear on." Rachel scrunched her eyebrows in disapproval of our waitress's inappropriate bluntness. I did what anyone would do in this situation and imagined her pantyless. Considering the look on said waitresses face, she had clearly scored this round in her favor.

"While I appreciate your formidable taste in sensual evenings, I must ask that you do not bring up your own inability to wear undergarments in front of my date. It's not very professional and not only is it off-putting, it could get you fired."

"My dad owns this restaurant. I could walk out here with no pants on and I'd still have a job."

Mmmm…Brittany waitressing with no pants…

What?

I'm SORRY, there's just something about a woman working pantsless that's super hot. Considering the smug look on the blue eyed ones face, she had given herself a second point. I was beginning to get irritated with her arrogance. She needed a taste of her own medicine.

"That's good and fine Brittany, but abusing your power is not an alluring quality nor is it something on the menu so I have no interest in having any of it, even IF you are offering it complimentary. So if you will please just take our order so I can continue with the evening that I set out to have with my date I would appreciate it." Rachel beamed at me clearly finding me taking charge to be exceedingly sexy and it was in that moment that I realized there was yet another massive problem with this date.

Rachel was TOTALLY, through and through, 120%...

A bottom.

You may be thinking, okay, what's the problem with that?

The problem is that I'm one too. Well, I like to think of myself as sassy. I don't let you easily have it and from time to time I like to be the one in control but…nothing turns me on more than coming home after a long day of kicking asses and taking names at work to then find a hot naked woman in my livingroom who desperately wants to bend me over my outrageously overpriced leather couch and then give it to me hard from behind. I fucking love a dominant strong hot blonde and by the grin on our waitresses face…I think she had figured that little piece of information out.

So…Even if Rachel wasn't clearly from some low rent sale bin version of Yentl, we would be completely sexually incompatible. The woman wouldn't even be a good fuck, let alone a good girlfriend. It was hopeless.

"Please excuse my vulgarity. What would you two like?"

"I think we would like to share a vegan Sudderlapjes Met Witlof. I am however still sad that this fine Dutch establishment does not offer a cruelty free Gehaktbal." Brittany gave her an expression that said 'I'm sad to see you didn't die chocking on your water'. I gave the jazz hands fetishist a glare too because clearly I wasn't a vegan and wouldn't you at least ASK if I wanted to share? Okay, I had asked earlier for her to stop asking me to share but that doesn't me to just order for me! I wouldn't ASSUME she wanted a meal with meat in it just because I did and it doesn't go against my morals. What an insane inconsiderate crazy narcissist.

"I'm not in control of the menu ma'am. I can only tell you what is available and what is not and currently there is no vegan or vegetarian option for that particular dish."

"Well I say take it up with your father, since you have so much control." She sing songed the last word obnoxiously. "Now, if you will excuse us, I think we'd like a little privacy to enjoy our date."

There we're so many things wrong with that sentence I didn't even know where to start. Brittany huffed, scribbled down a few things, and left again.

Was it me or was the view of her ass just more and more impressive with each sighting?

"Can I be blunt?" Rachel asked and I gulped because…hadn't she been pretty blunt all evening? I nodded slowly and cautiously.

"I find you extremely attractive. From your excessively tight dress that leaves almost nothing to the imagination, to your mocha skin, to your velvety smokey voice, to your long black silky hair…that seems to have a razor blade sticking out of it…" She trailed off as I scrambled to get it back in place. "And you're so strong and…authoritative…and jealous." Jealous? When was I JEALOUS?

"Jealous?"

"Back there, when the waitress was making comments, you were all over her defending me and…" She bit her lip in a way that looked like the bastard little pudgy sister of Brittany's lip bite. "I don't want to come off like a skanky ho and I'd normally never do anything like this but…I really want to invite you over to my house for an all night sensual coitus session later on this evening."

Did I seriously hear what I thought I heard?

"Ummm…" I fidgeted. She then softly placed her softball mitt like hand over mine tenderly.

"Just think about it, okay? No pressure. I just, I wanted to be honest with you."

"Okay, umm, thanks…Will you excuse me for a second?…"

"Did I say something wrong? I knew I was coming on too stron-"

"No no, I just need to use the restroom, I'll be right back." Upon standing I realized my dress had ridden up. Both Rachel and Brittany, who was coming out with our appetizer, seemed to approve of the view. I yanked it back down and made my way to the restroom. I washed my hands about nine hundred billion times before I texted the shithead that was responsible for this clusterfuck.

_From: HBIC_

_I fucking hate you _

A reply by was instant.

_From: The Skanky Church Goer_

_Oh come on, Rachel is great. What have you said to offend her? _

I sent the following reply to my posse of moronic horrible friends.

_From: HBIC_

_GREAT? The bitch offered me a sensual coitus session after dinner tonight! _

_From: Effy_

_And the problem? We've already discussed that you need to get laid girl. So, go on wit your bad self and lay with the girl!_

_From: Mrs. Moneybags_

_And this way I don't even have to pay for it! Which by the way, if this doesn't work out, that offer is still on the table. _

_From: Neil Patrick Harris_

_I know you've talked about what fingers mean to lesbians but you've got to stop being sizeist! You'll never find a woman if you stay like that. Get to know her before you judge her sexual abilities! _

_From: HBIC_

_I didn't even text you Kurt! And I wasn't talking about her fingers…even though they are super stubby._

_From: Neil Patrick Harris_

_The ladies have stated that this is a red alert so they figured a little pep talk from one gay to another could be of use. Well that's what they told me, clearly all of your friends are gossipy girls that always think they're having a sleepover. _

_From: HBIC_

_Kurt you would hate her. She's evil. _

_From: Neil Patrick Harris_

_Oh my GOD! You should end this date! You've clearly found your sister Satan!_

_From: HBIC_

_CRAM IT. I am not nor am I related to Satan. I look MUCH better in red thank you very much._

_From: Neil Patrick Harris_

_I plan to get it crammed later on tonight by my boyfriend. I suggest you take up Rachel's offer. We all know how you get when you're not checking out other ladies carpets and you've been even more that way as of late. Do it for yourself, but more so do it for the poor baristas at Starbucks that have to deal with your moods at six in the morning. And P.S. You do look better in red._

"Texting for help already?"

"Ha ha ha." I put my phone away and glanced at the waitress as she walked into one of the stalls. "Nobody seems to take my S.O.S. very seriously."

"Your friends suck almost as much as your date. And considering that you are hiding out in the bathroom and we haven't even gotten to the first course yet, I think I'm winning our little bet by a landslide."

"It's still early in the game. No need to get cocky." The toilet flushed and she glided out with a smirk and began washing her hands.

"I'd never DREAM of getting cocky Santana." I blushed. "And besides, it's a game you don't even want to play so of course your heart is not in it to win it. I've offered you a perfect solution. Just bail and then we can play much funner games without her."

"Oh well, you're a little behind on that one Brittany." She gave me a quizzical look. "She already offered me those type of games for an entire evening later on tonight." She dried off her hands and stepped right in front of me breaking my personal bubble.

"And what type of games would those be?" Her voice lowered and her head cocked to one side.

"What kind do you think?"

"Well, if my thinking is correct, I promise you…I can make those games happen much," Her hand grazed my exposed shoulder. "Much faster."

"You'd have sex with me before having a first date?"

"I would have had sex with you before we said hi."

"We never said hi."

"My point exactly."

"So you're a slut then?"

"No, I'm a sexual woman who likes other sexual women that like women…." She sauntered behind me and turned us towards the mirror. "...meaning you." She wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her chin on my shoulder. "Besides, she's a bottom and we both know it."

"Do you typically go after all your women like this?" She swept my hair away from my neck and placed a few soft long kisses there. I felt myself turn into putty.

"If I really like a woman then yes, but…" Her kisses traveled to jaw and then back up to lightly bite my ear. A rather embarrassing satisfied sigh escaped my mouth. "Not too many women make me want to do the things I want to do to you right now."

Anybody else's vagina like a slip and slide right now?

"Let me give you an appetizer for the meal, Santana." She looped her fingers in my straps and slowly pulled down my dress revealing my strapless bra and torso. I tried to nudge us towards a stall but she was having none of it.

"Nuh uh. Right here, baby."

"What if somebody walks in?"

"Then they will have some great material for their wank bank." _WANKY._ Her hands messaged my breasts over my bra softly at first and then became deliciously rough. I desperately tried to contain my noises of pleasure as I tried to get as much body contact with her as possible by pulling her hips against my ass. She unclipped my bra with one hand expertly and tossed it on the ground. She then looked me in the eye via the mirror and pinched my incredibly hard nipples.

"Shit…" I squeaked out.

"You want them in my mouth?" I gasped as she continued her ministrations. "Answer me. Do you want me to suck your tits Santana?" I nodded rapidly. "With words."

"Yes, fuck yes."

"What else do you want me to do to them?"

"Ugh Brittany…" I hissed when she flicked my hard peak with her fingers.

"Because I think I want to lick in between the valley of your tits and make you wait for it, mmm, I wanna make you beg, baby."

"Shit please, I can't take it."

"Around me you'll learn there's a lot of things you thought you couldn't take that you can." She groped my core and fuck…my dress was going to have a spot there. "You'll not only take them, you'll love them. You'll want more. You'll want me deeper and harder as I make you wetter and come stronger. Do you want me to make you come?" She bit on my pulse point as she squeezed my tit and wow this was the most delicious kind of torture.

Then she so rudely removed both her hands from areas I desperately wanted them. Of course I couldn't help but groan my dissatisfaction with the lack of her on my body. Brittany moved in front of me, grabbed my thighs, and effortlessly lifted me. Her ability to support my bodyweight with such ease was such a turn on I couldn't help but swoon. Instinctively, I wrapped my legs around her clearly very strong abdomen. I went to do the same with my arms and snuggle into her neck but she shook her head. She lifted me a little higher and dove into my breasts. Her mouth immediately latched onto one of my so hard it hurt nipples and I moaned absurdly loud at the contact. One of my hands went behind her head and the other pinched the unattended to nipple and my eyes, for the brief seconds I was able to keep them open, watched the whole thing in the mirror. She sucked, and licked, and bit my peak to the point I thought I could almost have an orgasm from it until she moved her head to the other one. Before she did the same things to my other breast she sucked my fingers that I had been using to pinch myself into her hot mouth. The lustful stare she gave me as she practically deep throated my digits was enough to drive me into the loony bin. Sexier people didn't exist. That I was sure of. She returned to my breasts and bent me backwards as she kissed down my stomach…holding me in her strong arms the whole time. She was filth. She was devious delicious filth and I couldn't wait for that mouth to go even further south until…

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" You know a woman's determined to please you when she doesn't stop christening your stomach with love bites even though she's been caught in the act.

"Brittany…" And she still kept going. "BRITTANY!" I gently pushed her head away. She finally turned it to see a man in his fifties with graying blond hair.

"Oh hi Dad!" And then she waved. She WAVED. Yes people, she held me up with one arm under my ass and used the other to wave at her father, like she had just come across him at a theme park or something.

"OH HI **DAD**? You're supposed to be serving the customers…not SERVICING the customers!"

"Then you should get an uglier demographic." I couldn't help the snort that escaped my mouth. The man turned bright red and looked like he was about to flip out when I heard the pitter patter of little feet followed by this wonderful declaration:

"Santana if you're having issues with your bowels there is nothing to be ashamed of. I keep my all natural herbal vegan solution with me at all times – OH MY GOD!" She yelped after she finally looked up and saw me still topless in Brittany's very strong…sexy arms. What? She had been holding me for a while…it was kinda impressive…and pussy moistening. "You went to the bathroom to engage in sexual activities with our waitress? And here I was thinking I was too forward with you?! My generous invitation for sensual coitus at my Manhattan loft is officially revoked!...And you're paying!" She did a divaish hair flick and 'humphed' before stomping dramatically back out of the bathroom.

The three of us left stood there for a second without a peep before the older man cleared this throat and spoke up.

"This is just unacceptable Britta-"

"And you know WHAT?" Rachel re-entered yelling. "You're a classless thoughtless disgusting SKANKY HO! And I hope her vulva gives you syphilis!...AND I HATE LEMONADE!" She then out diva hair flicked herself and flourished out the door again only to crash into a waiter. "You got meat on my Lea Michele complimented sweater you buffoon!" She could be heard screaming in terror. Brittany's father shook his head; clearly finding this evening to simply be too much.

"I never thought I would do this to my own daughter but… you're fired! You can turn in your tie at your soonest convenience." He then left looking supremely disappointed. Once again, we ended up in complete silence before the sexy lady I was in the arms of broke it.

"Soo…about that date…."

"You can't possibly be serious."

"Of course I'm serious." She set me back down on the ground and helped me with my dress and bra in a way that made me remember the wetness between my thighs. By the time she kissed just above my cleavage I remembered it vividly. "We should definitely have that date, don't you think?" She kissed my neck and lightly bit the mark she had left.

"I think it's in the cards." I bent my neck to give her more kissing room.

"Uno or go fish?" She peppered the area while her hands possessively grabbed my ass.

"Go fis-Fuck."

"You're an ass woman, aren't you?" She slapped it nice and hard and my core jolted. My clit was about ready to jump out of my body.

"Jesus Britt!"

"Aren't you?" She massaged the area before giving it another nice hard slap.

"Fuck! Yeah," I gulped. "I am." She backed up and gave me a once over; clearly proud of my disheveled appearance.

"I look forward to finding just how much so on our date."

"And on this date…could we just skip the eating part and get straight to the good stuff?" She backed up towards the door and smirked.

"I'd NEVER skip the eating part Santana." I turned bright red and there was that grin that reached her beautiful blue eyes "Oh and honey, you said some naughty things so if you've noticed, I placed you in front of the sinks so you can wash out that dirty filthy mouth of yours." She gave me the sexiest wink I had ever seen and then cascaded out the door. My expensive lacey panties were ruined and I was sweaty and I had sex hair even though we didn't have sex and I had to have been in that bathroom for a long long time…and my phone buzzed…

_From: The Skanky Church Goer_

_RACHEL IS FUCKING PISSED! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO? _

I glanced at the door the hot waitress and just strutted out of.

_From: HBIC_

_It was a disaster date but tell Mercedes I'm gonna get laid anyway. Sugar can keep her money. And also, you straight bitches have the worst taste in women ever. EVER._

_From: The Skanky Church Goer_

_Are you DRUNK?_

I floated out of the restroom with an 'I just had sex' smile on my face even though I hadn't and glided out of the restaurant with pure confidence. Damn it, I strutted with resolve.

_Maybe, just maybe my single life could go on hold for a little while. I mean, I think I could possibly spare a few moments of my 224 free minutes a week on the absurdly layable waitress…_

Out of nowhere long arms grabbed me and pulled me against their bosom harboring chest, I turned to see a bundled up Brittany with a winter hat on. She was cute as hell. Like I wanna pinch her cheeks cute. How could someone be so adorable yet so overtly sexual at the same time?

"When's our not blind date?" I questioned. She gave me a kiss on the temple before whispering,

"How about tomorrow morning in my kitchen?"

"No." She was taken aback by my abrupt dismissal.

"Ooh…umm…" She backpedalled nervously, clearly embarrassed that I had shot down her forward offer. I placed my finger over her pouted lips before ghosting them with my own.

"Tomorrow morning in mine." Her concern and disappointment turned into a blindingly bright grin as she pulled me into a kiss that made my knees buckle and lady bits engorge like flotation devices. Noting that continuing such activities would most certainly lead to public nudity, I grabbed her mitten covered hand and guided her back to my car.

I shouldn't have had such a crappy attitude towards dates.

They can be pretty great.

When they're not blind.

Oh and when they involve you waking up to a really fine chick with an amazing ass who insists upon cooking for you in your own kitchen whilst naked...

Those kind of dates are can be pretty damn awesome too.

* * *

*plays go fish* LOL. And some people think Pezberry would be a good couple *giggles furiously* THINK I just proved that one wrong hahaha. And before anybody asks, at one point I myself was a vegan so no, this isn't like an ANTI vegan anything. Santana just doesn't want to eat vegan food and is ignorant about the culture. But more than that she mainly wants what she wants and she DOESN'T want Rachel. I like looking at reviews like Santana likes looking at Brittany's ass. Each additional viewing just gets better and better and each time I see them, I find something I didn't notice about them before.

Hmmm…maybe I should write the morning after someday? ;)

Thanks for reading and reviewing guys! I really appreciate it! I hope to post things a bit more often. :D I am writing a full length story and it is coming along.

And no, Celine never said that haha.


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